Men's Guide to Women

Here are Guy Rules, compiled from a variety of sources in an attempt to pull together the most accurate set of rules for guys everywhere. This is a work in progress. Contributors to this list include Maxim Magazine, Vaida & Dodds & Mifflin.

1. In an argument with your female, you lose. If you win, you are an a**hole. If you lose you’re an a**hole. Prevent the argument and you won’t be an a**hole. (Note: You might still feel like an a**hole, but at least she won't treat you like one.)
2. Just say you’re sorry. Doesn’t matter if you did whatever you are in trouble for; just say you’re sorry it is the fastest way to end an argument.
3. She will not fight fair. She will be completely illogical and sprinkle in dashes of emotion and gripes she has had about you forever. The the fight will change topics so many times that you will forget what the original issue was in the first place. You will be in the middle of a tangled mess, having no idea who won, what the hell just happened, or how to fix it. (For those keeping score at home, you did not win. If you are certain you won, see Rule 1.)
4. Some females are very hot and very high maintenance. (High maintenance= very difficult to keep happy or on an even keel. Sucking the life energy out of a man until he is exhausted, dies, hands over his balls, or goes broke.) Choose carefully, she won’t always be hot.
5. Some females are not hot and are very high maintenance. You are a full on dumba** if you get in a long term relationship with this type of woman.
6. Some females are hot and are very low maintenance. If you find one, hang on to her like she was the last lifeboat on the Titanic. God did not make very many of these, and it is a rare man that finds one in the wild.
7. Women come in twos. You have a great relationship with a nice female; invariably another hotter and more dangerous female will want your attention too. The smart man makes a choice knowing the grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence. Though the average guy will at least once in his life try to run with two women for a while getting the best of both worlds. Very few men can pull this off successfully, and rightfully so. Once the situation corrects itself you will be reset to zero females and starting over.
8. A man alone in a room full of women with a wedding ring on will attract more female attention than that same man, in the same room with no wedding ring on. No, really, it is true.
9. Do not take flirty or overly friendly girlfriends to the nightclub unless you are huge or do not mind occasionally having to fight or at the very least puff out your chest and play Rooster because of the women you showed up with. This happens all the time. You walk through a club with your girl, you see a guy. He looks at you, looks at your girl, subconsciously determines if he thinks he can kick your ass and will either look away or stare hard at your girl. If she winks or flirts back, there could be trouble.
10. Women will rarely tell you what they want; waiting for some amazing mind reading skill that you forgot to tell her about to help you determine what she wants. Some will even get mad at you for not knowing what they are thinking.
11. Exceptionally sexually active females will typically have some sort of piece of crap guy in their past.
12. Some females will cut their skirt way up to here and their top way down to there revealing a lot of skin then get mad at you for looking.
13. If you put a penny in a jar for every time you are “with” your female the first year and take one out for every time you are “with” her every year after that it will take you ten years to empty the jar.
14. She will ask “Do I look fat in this?” The answer is always no. It does not matter what you say, if she is asking she already thinks she looks fat and it is a no win situation for you.
15. If you are dating a female that likes to physically fight or throw stuff in an argument, it is time to find a new female or risk being on an episode of “Cops.”
16. A female described as “She has a great personality”,” sweet” and “nice” typically means she is not a looker.
17. If she did not shave her legs, odds are tonight is not your night.
18. People will only be around you long-term if doing so makes them feel better or they get something out of it. Make the people around you feel better about themselves and you will always have people around you.  A refrigerator full of beer and a fist full of 100's always works, too.
    
19. Short term hook-ups can occur where they naturally would not when two people are working on the same project and thus have the same goals. This effect is similar to that achieved with beer goggles with the added benefits of a longer run and no hangover. The effect typically ends when the joint project is over or a hotter member joins the team.  This phenomonon is also known as Hollywood Goggles.  To mitigate, see rule 18.
20. Some people suck. Stay away from people that suck, don't be a sucker.
21. If you only date ugly, you are going to marry ugly. If you think you cannot do better than ugly you are right.
22. Men should not expect to have fun on a first date. You will be an entertainment director/ event coordinator to make sure things go smoothly, financial manager to stay on budget and you will most likely pay to see a movie that you did not really care to see. Any legitimate fun should be considered a bonus.
23. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
24. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
25. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
26. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
27. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Case closed.
28. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies, as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
29. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
30. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
31. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
32. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
33. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.
34. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
35. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "f*ck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
36. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
37. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)
38. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if it’s with a girlfriend.
39. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
40. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
41. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
42. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
43. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
44. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
45.  A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
46. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you do not want to be seen.