Men's Guide to Women

Tonight’s the first date. Congratulations. I hope it works out for you. Enjoy this time. You have more leverage right now with this woman than you will ever have again with her, or this relationship, the rest of your life.

You are still smart, charming and have not been called an a**hole yet, unless you were late picking her up. Ah, heady times.

Keep it safe.  Just a simple date.  Dinner and a movie.

Now let’s clear up a widely held misconception. You are not supposed to have fun on a first date. She is supposed to have fun on the first date. You are supposed to ACT like you are having fun, keep everything running smoothly and just enjoy being in her company.

Want proof?

What movie are you going to see? I bet it is something you would not go see if she was not with you, or you would at least wait and rent the DVD.

That is OK. You are not a wuss. This is straight out of the guy playbook they gave you in 5^th grade while all the girls were watching “that” movie in school.

You’re young, so you are managing your money carefully. That is code for “You are broke, but she was hot and you can’t believe she said yes, so you did not feel like you could press your luck by asking her to split the ticket, or go Dutch as we use to say.”

You bought the movie tickets online, that‘s $20 to the wind, unless you wised up and decided to hit the matinee. No, you are lucky to be on a date with this female so you are on the hook for full retail.

First date dinner? Hmmmm. Spring for dinner at a fairly nice place, you know something a couple of notches above McDonalds, but no place fancy enough to break out a wine list. This will be your first taste of how “high maintenance” she is. Make a big misstep in selecting the restaurant and this bad boy could be over before it even begins.

At the restaurant, let her order first to show that you’re a gentleman, though we all know that’s crap. You let her order first so you can play the Man Math game.

Yes, the Man Math Game, for two or more players, ages 16 and up.

Here is how you play. As soon as your date tells the waitress what she would like to eat the game begins and the timer starts.

While keeping a cool and stylish look on your face and without making any sudden moves you need to scan the menu, find what she ordered, look at the price, deduct that price from what you have in your pocket, backing out a few bucks for a tip, back out more money for the movies, and find your own dinner before the waitress can finish scribbling down your dates order and say…

“And for you, sir?”

Ding. Times up. Play this game right and your date will never know you are broke and had to bum thirty bucks off your friends to finance this little excursion. Get it wrong and you will be awarded with your very first “a**hole look” from your date. Don’t worry, it will be the first of many if this thing lasts.

“Uh, I’ll have the petite salad, a slice of lemon, a lot of water, and a side of anything edible that sixty-seven cents will buy me.”

“Oh, and can I get bacon on that salad?”

“Yes, sir. For an extra fifty cents.”

“Skip the bacon.”

Again, you are not supposed to be having fun here. No time to relax. Hopefully you did a scouting report on this female so you are prepared with light worthless banter to keep her mildly entertained while you wait for the food.

Many females are blessed from birth with the ability to talk for hours on end about almost nothing and smile convincingly while doing it. Some just can’t do it on a first date. Some would just rather slap the women who do keep yammering on, and speak when they feel like talking.

It would be nice to know in advance what kind of woman you are dealing with. That would be good to have in the scouting report so you would know how much canned material you need to have prepared.

With some women all you will have to do is nod approvingly from time to time, smile and change your facial expressions to match hers as she talks. The only thing you will have to say is “Check, please.”

Sometimes, as you were the one that asked her out, you will be expected to carry all of the conversation, all night.

Let’s hope she does not want desert. Of course she will only want desert on the night that you are tapped out through no fault of her own. I recommend buying one desert and getting two spoons.  She might think it is romantic, you get a little desert to make up for the vegetation you grazed on at dinner, and a second spoon is always free.

OK, dinner is done. Get the heck out of there before she needs coffee. Leave a fair tip, even though you will be tempted to hedge not knowing how this night is going to end up. Your date might be paying attention and you do not want to score your second “a**hole look” before you get through your first date.

You might as well hit the rest room; she will most likely have to anyway. You need to get rid of all that water you were sucking down at dinner while you were politely nodding your head anyway.

Beer and milk products will give you bad breath. Most liquor and citrus fruit will solve the problem. Get a nice big bite of lemon wedge on your way out.

Check the teeth. No hunks of pepper or fuzzy green stuff? You’re good. Grab three mints on your way out the door; they might come in handy later.

Made it to the movies? Good. Get the door for her; don’t look at the other ladies, even the ones staring at you.  (Why are they staring at you tonight while you are with another female?  See Man Rule #7)  Though you might nonchalantly check to make sure your fly is zipped.

In my experience, no matter how much food my date eats at dinner, no matter how many courses, deserts etc. she always want popcorn and a drink at the movies. Always.

The one time we were able to walk by the concession stand without buying anything, I was back buying popcorn about a third of the way through the movie after she asked me politely with a little nose wrinkle to get her some.

The movie house does not make much on the movie itself, so they feel obligated to make a profit the only way they can, which is by burying you at the concession counter. They know they are doing it. You know they are doing it. The kid with the faded golf shirt filling your tub of popcorn knows it. We all just politely ignore the boning we take at the counter in hopes that a fresh hot tub of $14 popcorn and an $11 coke will somehow earn a few extra points with the lady.

Now all you have is lint bunnies in your pockets, but you are going to spend the next two hours in very dark room with a pretty female.

Behave yourself. That is somebody’s daughter. Might not mean that much to you now, but when it is your daughter alone with some broke young bonehead in the dark for two hours it will matter a lot.

First first dates are not necessarily fun for you, but it will certainly not fun for her dad.  He could very well be five rows back keeping an eye on you, having paid good money for a movie he doesn’t want to see either, sitting next to a woman eating a high dollar tub popcorn and sucking down an $11 Coke.

Ah, the Circle of (Dating) Life.  Good luck young man.