Men's Guide to Women

One Mans Marketing Plan

Can’t find the right woman to date? All you attract are the ugly she devils and the screaming psychotic banshees? They are only after your (insert your issue here), they do not love you for you. Women don’t understand you? Women don’t get you?  One relationship from hell after another?

Today we fix you Madison Avenue style.

Madison Avenue, and the ad agencies thereon, spend millions of dollars creating, shaping, managing and placing products in places that make them look attractive to their target audience.

Stop the random dating hocus pocus, we need to break out some good ol’ marketing science.

I am sure I have an old chemistry professor out there somewhere ready to break a graduated cylinder over my head for jamming the terms “marketing” and “science” together. Compared to what you have been doing though, this is full on rocket science.

OK, meanwhile back at the ranch…

The first thing the Madison Ave crowd does is determine who the product should be geared for to obtain maximum success in the market.

To find that perfect relationship we need to start by getting you to the mirror with the quickness. We need to take a look at the premier product, you.

The Madison Ave. crowd thinks in terms of how many millions of people in the target group will buy this product. You just need one buyer, but do you have a target group?

What type of female are you after?

I know, a hot one that will do LOTS of things, right?

Do I know you are what? I can’t even see you but we are together on this one like peas and carrots! High-five!

High-five, hell! I should slap that skull cap right off your noggin.

Make a list. What do you want? Come on, focus. Do you want Goth? Cheerleader? Stripper? Athlete? Teacher? Mental Giant? Dork in Pig Tails? She-Lawyer? Figure out your “target market” and we will be making progress.

OK, once you know roughly what type of woman you are after, she should theoretically be easier to find.

Now the marketing types would look at the product and look at what they could do to make sure the product image matches what the target market will want to buy. Let’s take a new soft drink product as an example. They could and would spend large chunks of money getting the can just right, getting the display just right, getting the advertising copy and commercials just right in getting ready to release their product to the world.

Are you still in front of the mirror? How does your “can” look? Don’t put your back out straining to see your backside; I am talking about the whole package.

Let’s take a moment to fully assess the situation. What does your “look” say to your target market?

**NOTE: Somewhere out there I can hear someone is saying in near whiney voice “This is crap, this whole thing is about what is on the outside, I want a woman to love me for me.”

We are not reformulating Coke here, we ASSUME the product is good; we are just working on the packaging and finding the right market for you as that package.

Somebody kick him in the head so he can work the sympathy angle on the scratch and dent isle.

If the product itself, that being you, is internally jacked up beyond all recognition, that is a different article.

Where were we? Yes. What does your “look” say to your target market?

If you do not look like, act like, sound like or smell like what women in your target market are after, either you need a more refined list of what you want or you are in for a makeover.

You do not want to hear “Oh my gosh, the gorilla hair guy in the argyle socks is coming over here, EEEEEE. I am going to the bathroom.”

That would be a clue you need to go reassess your packaging. The focus group came back with a big “No” on that one. It happens, regroup and try again.

You could be the perfect guy on the inside, but if you look like Oscar the Grouch’s trash canon the outside, odds are you are going to be out of luck.

Sesame Street's Oscar the Grouch

The sad part is you could end up sitting on a park bench somewhere surrounded by pigeons shooting evil glances at anything wearing a bra talking to your self about how stuck up and evil women are over something this simple.

Talking to yourself, looking like a serial killer, by the way, will not help your chances.

Let’s assume you can clean up enough to look like someone your target group of females is after.

The next question is where do you find these women in your target market?

Where do the women in your target market work? Where do they live? Where do they shop? Where do they eat? What do they do for fun? That is where you will find them.

Why do you think most relationships start at work? Because you are surrounded by people that are in your target market, that share your interests and goals. Amazing!

Why do office affairs happen so frequently? Because you are surrounded by women that are in your target market, that share your interests and goals while your significant other has her own career or takes care of the kids and might be in a different target market than when you met her.

In recap, long term you have to be yourself to ever be really content in a relationship. The packaging however may need to be modified based on the type of woman you want to attract. Once you look the part, you need to find legitimate reasons to place yourself at locations where you can meet these women.

Accomplish this much and you are on your way, now all you have to do is figure out how to talk to them.

One final note on marketing yourself. When you watch a soft drink commercial, they tell you how you are going to feel when you consume their product. They sell you the potential benefits of being associated with that product. Watching some soft drink commercials you would think that just by opening a can, beautiful women are going to come out of stores all over the street and start dancing, everyone will be smiling, and looking at you like you are the only man on the planet.

We all know that is big pile of steaming horse apples, but the point holds true when marketing you.

What are the benefits of being with you? Will she feel good about her looks, or self conscious about that part of her she just does not like about herself? Will you keep her laughing and smiling? Will she feel uplifted just being around you?

Think about it. What are the benefits of being with you? While you are thinking about it, what are the benefits of being with her? At the end of the day you have to sell each other on the long term benefits of each other to have a shot.

A final word of caution, fall short in the promised benefits department, or find yourself guilty of false advertising you might just find you have a brand loyalty problem.