Men's Guide to Women

This is all tongue in cheek, but I think something needs to be said about honesty in what we call dating.  Before you roll your eyes and you make that groaning sound you used to make when Mom asked you to take out the trash, hang with me a minute and listen up.

I hear we are not being honest in our relationships on TV, I see books on the subject, I certainly see it on the web, and heck I have even been guilty of writing a thing or two on the subject.

I agree.  Life would be much simpler but certainly more painful if we were all truly honest with one another.

We are never going to get there and here are a few perfect examples as to why.

“Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?” she asks.

Your honest reply…“Like a hippo, honey.  Like a hippo.”

Yeah, that’s not working.  How about this one?

“Honey, are you listening to me?”

“Not since hello.”

No selling that one either.

“Do you like my hair?  I just got it cut.”

“Uh, no.  Didn’t notice.  I have not noticed since you cut off the long beautiful hair I loved and replaced it with the easy to fix, sucks to look at, pixie cut.  You look like an elf.”

Nope, that would not fly either.  While momentarily fun, it would cost you more points and “alone time” than it would be worth in all but the most extreme hard core cases.

I am not talking about that kind of honesty anyway.  We would not like that level of honesty lobbed our direction either.

“Dear, am I losing my hair?”

“No, honey, it is all over your back.”

Score one for the ladies.

No, I am not talking about the little white lie stuff you tell each other to survive the first date.  I am talking about the blatant falsehoods spread in the name of “looking your best.”

Coming into a relationship you both certainly want to look your best, can't fault anybody for that.  What freaks me out just a little bit is all the technology out there that can basically have a woman (or to a more limited extent, guys) lying out her ass anytime she is in your presence, before you even get to "Hello."

She might be pulling the old bait and switch on you.  Lets look at what might not be the genuine article going head to toe.

Hair – colored, possible extensions, could be a wig.

Face – This bad boy could have been pulled more than silly putty depending upon her age.  Maybe a little nose work.  There is always Botox, facials, skin peels or just flat out paying a professional to pop the dents out.

Ears, Tongue, Nose & Lip etc. – Piercings.  Take comfort in the fact that you can be sure these parts are 100% genuine, but she could very well have more holes in her than a screen door with all her piercings.

She could have had her teeth done, have partial false teeth, false eyelashes, with everything under a good coat of makeup, or as I call it, war paint, to conceal the Bondo and hide the blemishes.  There is a small chunk of women walking around out there with eyebrows they have DRAWN on their face.  I think we need to break out Geraldo Rivera and have him investigate exactly where all the REAL eyebrow hair went.  Could be a new Law & Order episode.  I could not care less right now, but I might want to know some day when there is nothing else on TV.

Neck – See Face above.

Boobs – This one is REALLY potentially unfair.  There are a wealth of bras, pads, cups, and even duct tape, yeah, good ol’ grey duct tape out there that helps a woman fluff, plump, tug, pull, tuck and harness “the girls” to almost any desired shape.  I do not even want to get started on the Pamela Anderson style augmentations.  To add insult to injury, once technology has gone into fluffing them up, guys you better not be staring at them.

Skin – tanning bed, bronzing cream and good ol’ tattoos.  Perfume, not even an authentic smell.  OK, in thinking about it no authentic smells could be a bonus.

Stomach – girdles, granny panties, control top panty hose.  You know what control top panty hose really are?  They are panty hose with a hell of a lot of fat tucking Lycra material to literally hold it all and probably squeeze it into places it was never meant to go. 

Hands and feet & toes – painted nails and artificial finger nails that always seem to need filling just like your gas tank.  Ask your woman, she knows what I am talking about.

Legs & Butt – Fortunately technology is lagging in this area.  Not a lot of artificial augmentation that can be done to a smelly ol’ backside, but there is some.  Women have added Spanx to their looking good toolbox.  Do you know what Spanx are?  I had to have a female clue me in.  Spanx are the fat suckers of last resort.  When a woman blows right past control top panty hose and duct tape there is only one solution short of fat sucking surgery.  That is Spanx.  These bad boys can suck in everything from her ankles to just under her boobs.  Who knew?  Did you even know these things existed?  Your woman does.  Looking them up online there is a little tag under the picture says “Spanx - As Seen on the Oprah Winfrey Show.”  Now you know where she got it.

This is nuts when you think about it.  We need to be honest with our feelings for one another but it is completely OK to lie our collective asses off about what we really look like.  Come on.  What the hell does the woman actually look like under all that stuff?  Should it matter?  No.  Does it matter?  Hell yes.  If she did not think it was important would not pack an extra ten pounds of stuff on a pair of 3” heels everyday.  It cannot be any fun at all to be in heels, a 3/4 body fat sucking suit, a fluff and puff bra to hoist "the girls" and a good dose of warpaint everyday.

I love women.  Thank God I am not one. 

I know it is a sensitive subject but I think it is almost time for a CarFax report or something like it that we can hand one another showing what work has been done so you know what you are dealing with before you get too far down the road.

One more kick in the pants is that in many cases women are not wearing all that crap for you.  Well maybe while you date and on special occasions, but there are bucket loads of women that dress for other women in their peer groups.  Yeah, she wants to look good for you, but you might not be first on the list, or even in the top ten for that matter.

It is no wonder we can’t find or understand each others feelings when they are buried under $4,000 worth of artificial augmentation smokescreen that is being sold as the genuine article.    

What about men?  What can men augment?  A bunch of things starting with the Hair Club for Men, but by in large we don’t do anything (which would explain that 20 to 30 lbs. spare tire most of us carry around our waist.)

With all the “How to Pick Up Chicks” books, relationship gurus, dating sites, and every Tom Dick & Harry slinging out advice on websites like this one I think we are all collectively missing something here.

How much more difficult is it to get a good relationship off the ground and really understand the other person when we do not have the guts to show up in the beginning as we really are?

I think it is only fair that the two of you get an understanding of what you are signing up for before you get too far down the road and the decisions are complicated by marriage, children, houses and mortgages.

If women and to some extent men are spending large sums of time, money and energy on all this stuff to artificially look their best, how much more of a stretch is it to think that a man or woman might lie for free to cover up another personal problem area?

I don’t think it is a stretch at all.

In the end, is anything I put down here today going to change the big picture?  Nope.  I am just saying that if we are all supposed to be honest in relationships, lets be honest.  Eyebrows, ankles, boobs, hairpiece or mouth, a lie is a lie.

If you show up artificially sweet and full of plastic do not be surprised, when unwrapped, if you are treated like a cancer and quickly recycled.

-Archer 

Photo courtesy of worth1000.com