Men's Guide to Women

Today I am thinking scouting reports. Maybe that is because I see scouting reports as an effective tool for two of my favorite pastimes, writing these articles and watching NFL football.

With millions of dollars, jobs, and fan expectations, not to mention a nice silver trophy on the line, these guys take the business of scouting in the NFL seriously. Every game or date if you will is one worthy of doing a full scouting report. A team can live or die on Sunday, or in this case Thursday, based at least partially on the knowledge gained from their scouting reports.

Scouting reports are so valuable in fact those teams continue to collect data on one another as the game progresses. To find evidence of this look at the quarterback on the sidelines flipping through black and white aerial photos of the other teams defensive formations during the game.

So if every mega-million dollar NFL franchise treats every game day like it was their first, pulling out all the stops to make sure they are fully prepared every Sunday why wouldn’t we apply that same logic to dating, in particular, first dates?

I don’t know, really. When I was a younger man I just felt I could wing it. Sometimes that worked well for me, sometimes not so much.

One afternoon I bumped into this girl that I thought was cute. I had never really had a chance to talk to her before but today we ended up in a great conversation. The clouds had opened, the sun was shining on me and I was working some magic.

I asked her out for the following Friday night. She asked me to call her that night to confirm it. I was nervous of course making the call but after some conversation she said yes. We agreed I would pick her up at 8:00pm.

She was very attractive. I could not wait for Friday night. Did I do a scouting report? No, I was following the “Wing it Like you Mean it” Plan. As I am relating this story, you can probably tell this plan was not my best course of action. I was too young to know I was stupid and too stupid to know I was young.

I arrived a bit early that night. I think I picked up a flower or something insignificant at the grocery store on the way over. I flopped down on a chair in the lobby of her building after calling her to let her know I had arrived. She said she would be down in a few minutes. Fair enough, that was going to give me time to get a game plan.

Yes, ten minutes before the date and not only have I not done any sort of scouting on this girl beyond noticing she looked good, I had no idea where we were going or what we were doing. I was clearly at the top of my game.

I quickly arrived at the concept of dinner and a movie. Seeing a newspaper across the lobby I got up to see if the movie section was still in the paper. It was. Life was good.

As I turned to go back to my chair another guy walked in the building that I happened to know but neither of us liked one another. I really wanted to avoid him so I stared at the newspaper on my walk back like it was a life or death matter. I did pop my head up and say “Hello.” We might have shook hands, I do not remember as he was not a fellow I wanted to waste brain cells remembering.

She was now five plus minutes late, I was hard at work studying the newspaper calculating movie times, drive distances and doing Man Math for the balance of the evening. He had called his girl who had apparently also told him to wait while she finished getting ready, so I was stuck in the lobby with this guy.

Finally the elevator door opens and she steps out looking very nice. She was not as revved up as I was expecting but it was Friday night, I was good on my Man Math and I was ready for a nice date.

The other guy was just sitting there with his mouth hanging open a bit. Yeah, I know. She looks good. I am almost sure I had a smug look of “Ha! Check out my date. I am sure it is better than what you’ve got.”

I walked over and met her, smiling we chit chatted a bit as I turned and walked her out of the lobby to the car.

Halfway to the parking lot I hear foot steps behind me and a tap on my shoulder. I turn back and it was this guy from the lobby.

I do not know what he wants. I did not care. I just wanted him to spit it out so I could get on with my date.

“What are you doing?” He Said.

“Walking.” I said. I always had keen powers of observation, even from an early age.

“What are you doing with my date?”

“…” Yeah, that was my best reply. Powerful dumb silence. We looked at her.

“Well guys I thought maybe we could go out together as a group it will be fun.” She said. Not very convincingly I might add.

Lobby guy walks over to his Jeep and opens the passenger door for her, she gets in.

He looks at me, saying nothing mind you, but somehow communicating in silent man language “You coming?”

That sucked, but had I done any kind of scouting report I would have found out she really wanted to go out with him and had set me up to be the bait because there was no love lost between us.

You may not be able to get that much from your scouting report but if you can determine anything of value like the fact your date is deathly allergic to peanuts before you show up at the fancy new high end PB&J restaurant you have yourself a win, and a win is a win my friend.

What should be in your scouting report?

Your scouting report should contain basic background information like where she is from, does she have a boyfriend, her hobbies, interests, and occupation would be a nice start.

With a good scouting report you should have at least some basic information pointing to good discussion topics allowing you to get to know her better. Blend your questions with what you learned scouting and fill in the gaps with smart questions to give yourself the best chance of surviving the night and gaining some understanding of how she thinks.

If you are able to look past the potential goofiness factor and leaving yourself open to relentless harassment by your guy buddies I think scouting reports have a place in your dating arsenal, especially first dates.

May your Thanksgiving be wonderful, the Turkey plentiful, and the opposing team awful.

If you have used a scouting report or have some other tip, trick or man rule that might improve any aspect of our collective game, send it my way.