Men's Guide to Women

Geeks. Nerds. Whatever you want to call the guys that have absolutely no skills with the ladies, this is for you.

I have had many a role playing game, comic book collecting, twenty sided dice throwing, faded black concert t-shirt, greasy haired, pimple faced, computer game loving friend over the years. Not all are geeks and nerds; I am not insulting all of maleness. Some of you hide it well; some of you use Madden 2007 as another feather in your boyish charm hat. I myself can spend hours playing computer games and I have a female that is not ashamed to be seen with me.

You know if I am talking to you.

You probably don’t have a girlfriend, may not have ever had a girlfriend for very long, or if you did she was a role playing game, comic book collecting, twenty sided dice throwing, faded black concert t-shirt, greasy haired, pimple faced, computer game loving female in your gaming circle.

I am not trying to generalize here, just trying to stay on target with the big picture. There will be thousands of exceptions to anything I say here so I concede the point, and I do not want to read about why your girl is the prettiest dice throwing black t-shirt, tramp stamped chick in wherever. Don’t care. That is not the point.

My geek friends over the years, the ones in college come to mind more than any particular crop, would hang out in their dorm rooms and talk about girls. Yeah, so what. No, this was different. They would talk about how pretty a girl was etc. but the conversation would turn to one of almost worship for this girl or that. Their faces would gnarl up laughing at little dirty jokes and commenting on how well Susie-X filled out her low cut top one minute or get big and doe eyes the next talking about how this or that girl was the most beautiful perfect specimen on the planet, blah blah blah.

Somehow, somewhere these boys/men stepped over the line of healthy admiration and desire for the opposite sex into one of either almost or full on worship.

That is not healthy. There is a very thin line between worshiping a girl and stalking her and neither is a good place to be. You need your buddies to pull you back from the edge.

By the way, this is not your fault. Well at least it was not initially in most cases, you are responsible for your own stupidity once the plumbing starts working.

These girls are not Cinderella, they are not perfect. Hell most of them could give you a list of at least five things they hate about themselves based on the conditioning they have had jammed in their heads over the years.

Newsflash to you dumbasses that don’t know this yet. Next time you see that perfect female walking across campus, the street, etc with the little fairies floating all around her, hair sparkling in the sunlight, in a beautiful dress and shapely legs etc., slap yourself and remind yourself that she burps, farts, gets constipated, and can stink up a bathroom like nobodies business.

Don’t believe me? Go ask her brother. Don’t be sick about it though or he may beat your ass, (and rightly so.)

For all of her perfection, she is a human, which by definition means she is not perfect no matter how hard she tries to appear that way. Make no mistake about it; by and large she is trying very hard to look and act as good as she does. While it looks good to you, her head could be even more screwed up than yours trying to be a perfect size “0” or whatever is the latest category they are trying to stuff women into.

Note: What the F is a size zero? How is that even possible? I checked the tags in the department store. No crap, there is a size zero. This is what they, they being women and fashion designer men that by and large act like women call petite.

For the Joe on the street, a size zero is one of those females that look like you could break her in half by shaking her hand. Some are flaming hot; some are not, just like everybody else. Enough of that.

OK, with that in mind realize you are on an equal playing field with acknowledgement of the fact that you are both human.

I know it seems silly, but it is a good first step.

OK, now what? Go talk to her.

I know, everyone including your sister has told you this.  Let me guess, the mere idea of that is way too scary for one because that is far too little information to go on for one to walk up and strike a conversation with a goddess. Strike that, she is human.

Females do not make it any easier on you, do they? It is one thing to look like an asshole walking up to one woman and trying to come up with something creative to say to spark some interest. Females, though, will not make it easy on you; they like to travel in packs.

They do not want to look like some unwanted wallflower, so they travel in the confidence of packs. Also the younger they are the crappier their decision making will typically be.  The “peer pressure” factor will have them seeking their friends approval of anyone they hang out with. This is different as the female ages and, like you, figures out who the hell she is.  During the formative years after the plumbing starts working, it is full on chaos.

You want to get the female alone to talk to her. She wants to stay in a pack for safety, and get friends feedback on any male that floats by.

Now what? Now you are ready for Part 2 of the Geeks Guide.