Men's Guide to Women

When I see all of these "How to Pick up Chicks" books and websites I am reminded of something my grandfather used to say,       

   "Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it."

Before anyone comes unglued thinking I am opposed to these fantastic little hunting manuals you would be wrong.  Any man that has taken the time by accident or on purpose to study women in the wild for several years should be more than allowed to make a fair profit off that knowledge.  Some of that stuff really works because women are just wired a certain way.

The same book could be written for women about us.  They could learn our tendencies and genetic weaknesses so they could prey upon us.  Of course that would be a post card picturing a pair of boobs and a beer, but none the less it would be effective.

There are some definite truths to all of these little wells of information.  Some of it we know to be true just because it is instinctual, some is more experi-tinctual, some you only get through years of careful observation. 

I for one am glad some other guy did the whole "years of careful observation" stuff.  I just picture something similar to the Crocodile Hunter stomping around Africa all excited, smiling for the camera with a herd of elephant asses in the background being chased across the Serengeti.  I do not have the patience or the mental fortitude to stalk female 24/7 and document my findings.  I would rather take a hammer to the head.  Give me my bunny slippers and I will brave the real and ever present danger of paper cuts as I peruse the book. 

What does the term experi-tinctual mean? 

Experi-tinctual - a sudden instinctual realization of the threat posed by an object, situation or conversation at least one second too late, but soon enough not to be repeated; the visual equivalent of Homer Simpson yelling "Doh!"

These incredible tomes of knowledge discuss female tendencies, reactions, what they are thinking, body language and more all studies under a precision lens and packaged for you to wow them with your newfound wit or, plan B, whack them with the hardback and claim your prize.

NOTE:  Whacking is not an approved method of attracting females and that is true on so many levels.

Yes, you too can the learn the superfly tricks of the grand pubah master pickup artist.  He is so good he can pick up any woman in America tonight with the right suit, smile and silky schmoooooooooze.

To that I say fantastic.  I am glad there is a connect the dot guide to the girlies.

I hope you find them.  I hope you stun them with your quick wit.  I hope you amaze them with minor pyrotechnics and a pocket sized disco ball.  I hope you get as far as the "Getting Lucky" chapter tells you to go.

"Hoist the sail, drop anchor, load the cannon, and get yourself a good "land ho."  Aye, now that's what we'd be talking about, Lads!"

 "Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it."

I mean you read the last page of the book, right?  Now what?  When does the next volume come out?  You have potentially made a massive transition from talking only to yourself, then to the mirror and finally had success with a real live woman.  You have practiced the right lines, learned the subtle body language and executed with perfection.  Now what?

Now you are you again.  She is still the woman she was except she is potentially naked and feeling a little sore and self conscious right now.  As you look at that beautiful face under that tussled mop of hair, now would be a good time to figure that out what you are going to do with her.  Unless of course you two had some sort of agreement to "be like bunnies," share the carrot, and hop back down the bunny trail.

Well Hippity, Hoppity, how does this story end?

You spent $24.95 to get into a relationship that could cost you thousands in counseling or half+kids if you make it past the alter.  Didn't think about that one, did you.  Damn little head.  I think you were scammed.

I think she was scammed as well.  Where in the hell did that guy go that was at the bar last night?  That's not you.  That was "get a chick" guy, this is "don't be late to work" guy.

The few times I have dared to bring this up in conversation I hear something like this.

"Why, hell, I'll just throw her back and go get another one next Friday night."

If you are one of the few that can actually pull that off successfully and indefinitely stop reading this right now, go pen your own book so you can get paid.

For the rest of us, and I am being serious, here is where the rubber meets the road.  The big secret to a real relationship is that it gets a little bit tougher everyday.  You are no longer only accountable to yourself, now you are accountable to her to some extent, then the glow starts to wear off the relationship as she breaks out her granny panties and you get out the whitey tighties that you should of retired after high school.

As time goes on you learn her issues, she learns yours so no more B.S.ing each other, followed by engagement, wedding planning, marriage, kids, two car payments, the mortgage, the credit card debt, kids in college, midlife crisis, retirement, a second career because you didn't save enough and finally, thankfully, death.  Hopefully you squeeze in a trip to Disney World somewhere along the way.

I don't want to scare the pants off of you, of course I'm sure they only slow you down, but I just want you to understand what you are getting yourself into.

The good news is that the odds of having a lasting relationship with anyone you pick up on the first night are so astronomically small they are not even worth calculating.  So Vegas is with you on that one.

Here is the takeaway…

Spend the $25 and have fun, with any luck she'll have fun, too.  Just try to think about how you are going to transition from pickup artist guy to picking up dinner after work guy.

Take a step back, get in front of a mirror, look into the future a little bit and try and figure out who that guy is going to be staring back at you.  Maybe hit the library or pick up one of those "Sex. Now What?" books.

The $25 "Get the Girl" book you bought is going to cover maybe six weeks of your relationship.  Let's say you get a year out of it before you turn the last page.

Yet, most guys (me included) will spend exactly ZERO dollars upfront learning how to be a better man, husband and father, and that is a job that you could potentially be doing, if you REALLY get lucky, for the rest of your life.    

"Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it."

"Get it so when you've got it, you don't goof it, give it up, and have to pay $25 to get it again."

                                                      --- A Parish, BoingBook.com

*The print shown above is a sold out print at www.shag.com called The Pickup click the print to go there.