Men's Guide to Women

It was raining that night, the ground was soaked, the streets were slick and the sky was overcast.  As we pulled up to my house it looked like a big fat rain cloud was sitting on the chimney.  It was an ominous sign.

We were a good hour late getting back to my house with both of our wives waiting for us so we could all go out.  Needless to say we were expecting a little tension. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we could have called, I know that, don’t you think I have heard that one before?

Now Mark and I both have what I would call very good relationships.  We both use some form of the BoingBook Points System, we talk to our wives, we listen to our wives, we give our wives stuff to make them happy but we still do stupid small stuff like showing up late sometimes.

I parked on the street that night so they would not hear us coming.  I did not want to open the garage door because that just sounded like a bad idea.  As soon as they heard that garage door they would begin changing ammunition from the "complaining ABOUT us" ammo to the "complaining TO us" ammo.

Nope.  We decided the way to handle the situation was a sneak attack full on frontal assault right through the front door, taking the bullets in the firestorm that was sure to ensue.

Mark and I are very close and our wives are good friends so there would be no working it out at home after the evening was over.  Nope, they would certainly let us know what they were thinking.

I turned the doorknob, twisting it slowly.  It wasn't locked, which was good because that would shave another twenty seconds off the time they would have to rearm.

I looked at Mark; he looked a bit nervous as I am sure I did as well.  How pathetic, grown men nervous about dealing with the caring sensitive women they love.  How silly, those precious angels would not do anything but act civil and kind while immediately forgiving our tardiness and heading out for a nice evening.

3….2….1….  Click.  I opened the front door and we were in.  I see my wife sitting on the couch at the end of the hall.  She spots me and try's to blast me with her laser eyeballs.  She nicks me but I am OK, I break out my best defense, the puppy dog eyes and false innocence with an apologetic tone.  It is a tough trio to master but it has saved me more than once.

Mark was not so lucky.  Upon hearing the door his wife is up stepping into the opposite end of the hallway immediately lobbing the "Where have you been grenade?"  She follows it up with a "What have you been doing?" grenade. 

Relationship Grenade:  Question innocently or purposefully lobbed that causes disruption or incites total chaos when answered by the relationship partner.  Can be deemed a dud if countered with verifiable proof and a satisfactory answer.

I knew Mark could not answer those questions honestly so I jump on the live grenades and took one for the team.

"It was my fault, I had some last minute work stuff I had to get out of the way and he was riding with me…" I interjected.

My wife interrupted me with a mortar round.  Phummmmphff!

Relationship Mortar:  Supporting fire in the form of factual or otherwise unarguable or temporarily unverifiable statements designed trap, pin down, trip up or otherwise force a response to a relationship grenade.

"Susan at your office said you have not been there for well over an hour." My wife said in her loving "dog just peed on the rug" tone.

Incoming!  I grab Marks sleeve and drag him into the kitchen where we can get a drink (more time to think and respond when your mouth is full of liquid, plus that is where the fire extinguishers are if things go completely sideways.

Mark covers the mortar round from my wife while I go for two glasses. 

"Well I had to make a stop on the way back so we left a bit early."  He said.

We really should have thought this thing out a little more as we were definitely on the defensive.

"Where did you two stop?"  My wife asked, again in that loving dog pee tone.

"Go ambiguous, go ambiguous." I was telling myself.

"We just had a couple of guy things to take care of, no big deal, Just had to get some things knocked out of the way."

I did not hear the click but I knew by look on my wife's face that I had just stepped on an incendiary relationship landmine.

Relationship Landmine:  Issues between two people in the relationship that always cause some sort of disagreement typically brought on by a indelible difference of opinion, different perspective, or otherwise nearly insurmountable boundary where often the best course of action is to mark the landmine issue with a flag and stay away from it.

My wifes hair caught fire and her beautiful brown eyes were replaced by death lasers.  I glanced at Mark; I could tell he was about ready to break down so I gave him the "don't you say a word, keep your mouth shut or I am going to slap you and your mama" look.  He manned up and held firm. 

When his wife saw that little exchange her hair lit on fire, her blue eyes just went red and her face got all contorted.  I don't have a cat, but if I had a cat, he would have been running.

"You could have called!" my wife said in a voice that was only slightly more pleasant than the sound of bones breaking.

I was not going to say it but I couldn't have called because she would not have been satisfied with an "I am going to be late" statement she would have asked too many follow up questions.  Never would have worked. 

That "no call" comment was one of our relationship landmines.  Me not calling was a problem years ago but I have not had a "no call" incident in a good five years.  I was thinking there was some kind of statute of limitations or something.  Nope.  Misread that chapter on female law.  All females may remind you of anything and everything and fire mortars at will when upset.

My gut reaction was to say what I always say when she used to bring up the "no call" issue, but I knew that would lead to a Landmine Chain Reaction which would mean the evening was over before it even began for both couples.  It was imperative that I diffuse the situation quickly.  I needed to buy some time to think.

Relationship Landmine Chain Reaction:  An automatic conversation that happens repeatedly whenever a relationship landmine is stepped on.  He says this, she responds with that, he comes back with this, she gets mad and says that and suddenly nobody is talking.

I forgot about the two glasses with all of the grenades and flames.  I gave Mark his glass of milk and I started drinking mine.  Milk was all that was in the fridge to drink, it would have to serve as diversion or at least a temporary cease fire.  Mark looked at me strange until I gave him the "drink it or I will slap you, your mama and your dog" look.  He drank dutifully.

As I drank I surveyed the scene looking for anything I could use to get myself out of this jam.  All I could see were two women, hair on fire, singeing my ceiling, launching death lasers in our general direction, getting ready to launch a few more grenades and mortars and a guy that hates milk looking at me while drinking his milk.

Oh boy.

I had an idea, time to spend some of those points I had been earning.  I would start by hosing them off with a heartfelt apology.

"Honey, I just need you to trust me on this one.  We are late and I apologize for that, but it could not have been helped.  I should have called but I didn't and there is no excuse.  I didn't think it would take as long as it did and by the time I realized how late it was I thought it best just to talk to you face to face."  I said.  All truth.

Time to try and make a withdrawal on all of those points I had earned over the years with regular deposits of flowers, etc.  See BoingBook Points System for details.

"I don't have the ability to go into the where's and why's right now, but if you can just cut me a little slack right now so we can go out and try to have a nice evening, I promise to fill you in on everything tonight when we get back.  Fair enough?"  I said with understanding eyes, hands open and outstretched from my sides just a little bit.

Squinting at me, studying me carefully she took in deep breath and let out a heavy sigh.  "Alright I will cut you some slack, but you better keep your promise." my wife said.

Her hair immediately went out and her beautiful brown eyes were back, but studying me carefully.

Hanna also relaxed but you could tell her hair was still smoldering a bit.  I expected Mark to look relieved, but he looked sick.  He REALLY did not like milk.

With all weapons stowed we went out that night, though things were a little dicey until our wives discovered what we had been up to.

Both of our wives loved The DaVinci Code (book) so we decided to create a DaVinci Code themed date (and it took exactly one hour too long to setup.)

As soon as we got them in the car we gave our wives little blank cards maybe 3" in height, folded like a traditional greeting card.  Inside was a code they had to break to get to the next destination.  Surprisingly enough, we had a lot of fun and we turned an ordinary dinner date into something extraordinary with $10 worth of paper and some codes I copied out of a book. 

The only reason it worked out as well as it did was because we took the time to put thought into it to make it something special.  Make no mistake; if the night would have sucked I would still be ducking the occasional mortar on my way through the kitchen to this day.  I did lose quite a few points for not calling and for the fragging I took at home, but the quality of the date, I think, more than made up for it. 

If you would like to get the details on how we put the date together, let me know and I will share if it helps a brother out.

The Takeaway.

Take a look at the BoingBook Points System and how it breaks down something complex like a relationship into something simple like a checkbook.  Make deposits (give gifts, tell her you love her, call, etc) and earn relationship points with your wife so when you do something stupid you can make a withdrawal without bankrupting the account.

If you keep enough relationship points in the bank you will get some slack when you do something stupid, just don't be real stupid.  If you do not keep some relationship points built up, she will frag you’re a** every time you wiggle out of line.

You can't stop relationship grenades and mortars from being lobbed from time to time.  What you can do is diffuse some with an honest answer and use some of the relationship points you have earned to shield you from the rest, hopefully.

Try not to launch any mortars back using the word "You."  That will just escalate the situation.

Example:  "Well, you did the exact same thing last week!"  This is not helpful at all; it just feels good to fire back for about 15 seconds until she ignites again.  Try to diffuse the topic or at least try to keep it to a single topic.  Talking about why she did something is not a good way to get past why you did something. 

Sometimes she will feel the need to throw every damn grenade and mortar she has at you if she feels like she really needs to be heard and you are not listening.  Typically in that instance she will not tell you why she is throwing grenades at you because she may not have a put a finger on it herself quite yet.  She will just open fire on what seems like an unrelated issue.  When two or three unrelated issues get lobbed your direction you can make a pretty good guess that there might be one more painful underlying issue when all the smoke clears and you picking the shrapnel out of your legs.

You may be tempted to try and fix or respond to whatever problems she spits out, don't do it.  Seriously, don't do it.  Just listen or risk more close range grenades. 

Landmines and chain reaction landmines are a different story.  If you are together long enough there will be an issue the two of you will not agree on.  I wish I could say I can always spot them before I step on them but that is not the case.  That is why they are called landmines because sometimes you just can't see them coming.  Sometimes I step on the little bastards, too.

I really hate the Chain Reaction Landmines because the end is so predictable.  It is just like watching the same old tired movie every so often expecting a different ending except she is pissed and you could end up on the couch.

I have had success eliminating a few landmines by just discussing why she or I feel a certain way on an issue, but in most cases I will be honest and say that I would rather just avoid the damn landmine and deal with it when it blows up from time to time than go through the "Why" process.

My tact is to make every other part of our relationship better and stronger so when a landmine does go off, the damage is minimal overall.

When attacked by a woman you may feel like less of a man and your natural instinct is to defend yourself like you would against a man.  That will not work with a woman and in fact will often times make things worse. 

Show her some love and she will give you some slack, act like a jerk and she will take all that back, plus half.

-A Parish, Boingbook.com

The heart grenade was created by Lunarstudio.com.