Men's Guide to Women

Women love to be romanced. They love to feel special, cared for and loved. They love to feel like they are cared for, that they are listened to and understood.

I think we all want that, really.

Either our fathers or our culture taught us as young men that to romance our women we should give cards or flowers on special occasions, never give cleaning appliances to our wives for Christmas, and to give the heart shaped candy box at Valentines.

With that, the baseline was set.  As grown men we still think the exact same way. The relationship advice we give to our children is the same.  As a general rule, men have no idea what is rattling around inside a woman’s head.  Men do not understand women so we collectively take the safe route. We pick something we know that will not make her mad, but not have her overflowing with joy either, following the routine set by our fathers and their fathers.

The result? We have done a fine job establishing and achieving the minimum acceptable level of romance for the women we love.

My first reaction is “So What?  It may be the minimum standard but if she is happy and I know that by doing this stuff I can keep her happy so why screw that up?”

The reason we should care is because toeing the line on the minimum acceptable standard means that the romantic tokens we are offering up are not having nearly as much positive impact as they should be having because we as men are missing a few important steps.

The primary gifts of cards, candy and flowers, are not just cards, candy and flowers, they are tokens representing our affection for her. It is very easy for the romance to get lost in executing the procedure of giving.

The marketing geniuses have all recognized this and have come up with a solution for us. Their solution is simply this, if the basics of cards, candy and flowers have lost their magic with your wife or girlfriend, the answer is to go bigger and spend more.

A great example is the Christmas time Lexus commercial where the husband takes the wife outside and shows her a brand new car with the big red bow on the roof, or the jewelry commercial with the husband draping a $15,000 necklace around his wife’s neck letting her know she is special.

We have been led to believe that to be more romantic, to touch the hearts of our wives and girlfriends, we need to spend more. I am here to call that practice out for what it is, a total pile of warm steaming horseapples.

Yes, there is some monetary expense to romance like the cost of the flowers, but the amount of romance generated is not necessarily tied to the price tag of the item given.

The solution is not to continue to buy bigger and better gifts, it is to put more heart and thought behind the gifts we are giving. If we are going to spend the money on a gift we should take the time to "Juice it" and earn more for our romantic dollar.

Things that stimulate her mind are going to be more romantic long term than the things that stimulate her eyes. It really is the thought that counts when giving a romantic gift. The thought BEHIND the gift, that is.

Romance is an idea, a feeling. Romance does not have to have a price tag. Romance is something that can be had for the price of a little thinking and planning.

To be fair, if a guy showed up with a Lexus parked in the driveway for his wife that would certainly get her attention. Unfortunately it would be something like a “Wow,” “That’s incredible,” “I can't believe you did that for me” or “That’s amazing” kind of feeling.

Those are all great feelings but not the types of feelings that deepen emotions, warm hearts and help strengthen the glue that holds relationships together unless there is a back story behind the selection of that particular gift.    Eventually, the Lexus will get a scratch. It will need to go to the shop. It will wear out and so will the expression of love that went with it.

If we want to open the hearts and minds of the women we love and give them some real version of the romantic fairy tale men they have always secretly wanted as little girls (admittedly the thought of trying to live up to that image is a daunting one) all we have to do is think. That is it.

With any gift, no matter the size, I personally want to touch my wife's heart. I want to see a tear. I want a hug that takes the breath out of me.

When I give her a gift like flowers for instance, I may have them delivered at work because I know that while she gets the expression of love from me, she also gets to show off our relationship a little bit, and be envied by her co-workers being the only woman there with a nice floral arrangement on her desk.

I do that for her. I do that to make her feel good, but I do not do that to deepen our relationship or earn any real bonus points with my wife.

I am not after her eyes.  I am after her heart and mind. The mind is the biggest sex organ in the body. The mind can visualize and create things the hands can only hope to duplicate.

You can win her eyes and a little of her heart with flowers, but I am greedy, I want the whole thing. I want to give her something special between us that she will remember and that is almost always more valuable than the flowers or trinket I gave her in the first place.

Let me demonstrate one gift giving scenario that wins nothing for the gesture, and show you how that same scenario could win everything a woman has to give.  This is one tiny example of one event. Opportunities like this are everywhere. Note: as the scenario progresses, the changes in the scenario will be underlined.

You call her and have a conversation telling her you love her at the end of the conversation in a whisper so the other guys around you cannot hear you. Value: Zero. Effort: Minimal Cost: Zero.

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You call her and have a conversation, telling her you love her at the end of the conversation with your regular voice so the other guys around you hear it, and she knows they heard it.  Value: 1 point, you are on the board.    Effort: Minimal       Cost: Zero.

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You call her completely at random for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her, and wanted to tell her you loved her. Value: Some.   Effort: Minimal    Cost: Zero.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever. Value: Nice.   Effort: Minimal+    Cost: Zero.

OK, you’re asking how you track that. You have a calendar somewhere. You use Microsoft Outlook or some sort of email calendaring program.  Log it in with a reminder; you will look like a hero. There are several services that let you key in important dates and remind you of them in advance. Make technology work for you on this one. You do what you need to do and let the technology remind you when it is time to make a romantic gesture.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and have flowers delivered that same day. Value: Good. Effort: Effort Required Cost: $40.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers as you hang up the phone. Value: Very Good. Effort: Actual Effort Cost: $40.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift as you hang up the phone. Value: Very Good+. Effort: Actual Effort+ Cost: $65.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you as you hang up the phone. Value: Excellent. Effort: Real Effort Cost: $65.

The something symbolic could be something related to your first phone call, maybe it is a charm bracelet with a little telephone on it. If it was a first kiss then deliver a small card that looks like a coupon for one Original First Kiss. If it is a reminder of a first date, maybe it is a gift certificate to that restaurant you ate at or a DVD of the movie you went to see together, or maybe it is a framed shadow box of the two ticket stubs to that movie.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together, as you hang up the phone. Value: Excellent+. Effort: Real Effort Cost: $65.

This slight variation might be something symbolic like the movie tickets or gift certificate above telling her that you want to recreate the magic of that first special night. If your event does not lend itself to something that talks about your future, keep reading.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and deliver a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like, and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone. Value: Fantastic. Effort: Real Effort Cost: $65.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and deliver a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like, and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone.

(Calling her boss before hand to see if she can be let go early that day & deal with the car issue.) You help her gather her things and take her home early that day. Value: Fantastic+. Effort: Real Effort+ Cost: $65.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone.

(Calling her boss before hand to see if she can be let go early that day & deal with the car issue.) You help her gather her things and take her home early that day. Once home you fix her a drink, take her shoes off and rub her feet and run a nice bubble bath for her with the towels laid out and her favorite bath soaps ready. Value: Fantastically Terrific. Effort: Real Solid Effort Cost: $100.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone.

(Calling her boss before hand to see if she can be let go early that day & deal with the car issue.) You help her gather her things and take her home early that day. Once home you fix her a drink, take her shoes off and rub her feet and run a nice bubble bath for her with the towels laid out and her favorite bath soaps ready. You give her a nice massage after her bath to relax her. Value: Super Fantastically Terrific. Effort: Significant Effort Cost: $100.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone.

(Calling her boss before hand to see if she can be let go early that day & deal with the car issue.) You help her gather her things and take her home early that day. Once home you fix her a drink, take her shoes off and rub her feet and run a nice bubble bath for her with the towels laid out and her favorite bath soaps ready. You give her a nice massage after her bath to relax her. Maybe you give her some nice silk pajamas or a good thick terrycloth robe to wear after the massage. Value: Super Fantastically Terrific+. Effort: Significant Effort Cost: $175.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone.

(Calling her boss before hand to see if she can be let go early that day & deal with the car issue.) You help her gather her things and take her home early that day. Once home you fix her a drink, take her shoes off and rub her feet and run a nice bubble bath for her with the towels laid out and her favorite bath soaps ready. You give her a nice massage after her bath to relax her. Maybe you give her some nice silk pajamas or a good thick terrycloth robe to wear after the massage. You take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, maybe recreating the first date. Value: Feriociously Fantastically Terrific+. Effort: Real Significant Effort Cost: $225.

To maximize the value of the dinner out, tie it to something sentimental or special between the two of you. The first place you ate out, the exact table, the exact meal. Tie this into something that means something to her even if she has forgotten about it. The key is she will know that you have not forgotten. Big bonus points.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone.

(Calling her boss before hand to see if she can be let go early that day & deal with the car issue.) You help her gather her things and take her home early that day. Once home you fix her a drink, take her shoes off and rub her feet and run a nice bubble bath for her with the towels laid out and her favorite bath soaps ready. You give her a nice massage after her bath to relax her. Maybe you give her some nice silk pajamas or a good thick terrycloth robe to wear after the massage. You take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, maybe recreating the first date. Drive her home and give her a true love letter explaining some of your deep emotion for her that she probably never really gets to see. Value: Explosively Fantastically Terrific+. Effort: Real Real Significant Effort Cost: $225.

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You call her at a time that seems completely random from your cell phone for the sole express purpose of telling her you were thinking about her and wanted to tell her you loved her, and you remind her that this is the one year anniversary of your first phone call, first kiss, first date, first whatever and hand deliver the flowers and some small gift that is symbolic of something special between the two of you in the past and speaks to your future together and a hand written note telling her you love her, something special about her you like and that you look forward to sharing more of your life with her, as you hang up the phone.

(Calling her boss before hand to see if she can be let go early that day & deal with the car issue.) You help her gather her things and take her home early that day. Once home you fix her a drink, take her shoes off and rub her feet and run a nice bubble bath for her with the towels laid out and her favorite bath soaps ready. You give her a nice massage after her bath to relax her. Maybe you give her some nice silk pajamas or a good thick terrycloth robe to wear after the massage. You take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, maybe recreating the first date. Drive her home and give her a true love letter explaining some of your deep emotion for her that she probably never really gets to see. In the letter explain the significance of those particular flowers tying the whole evening together. Value: Atomically Fantastic. Effort: Real Real Real Significant Effort Cost: $225.

The flowers need to be significant to something to make this work. Maybe there were flowers in the arrangement that were the same kind of flower that was on a bush outside her apartments when you met, maybe the flowers match the color of lipstick she was wearing the night of your first kiss, maybe each flower signifies a day/week/month/year that you have been together, maybe they are the same kind of flowers that were in her wedding bouquet (time to break out those old photos.) 

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The total out of pocket costs were the flowers, the small gift, maybe the bath soaps, maybe the pajamas or a robe, and dinner which should make total out of pocket expenses $200-$250 and you have created a night she will not forget for the rest of your relationship and saved yourself $59,750 on a Lexus with a red bow.

This is just one example of taking something simple and making it awesome. That kind of night is romance. That kind of night is magic. That builds something fantastic in her mind that ties the two of you together. That story will never get old. That story will never fade, decay, or wear out. The story of that night might be timeless, at least until you do something like it again.

 Things that stimulate her mind are going to be more romantic long term than the things that stimulate her eyes. It really is the thought that counts when giving a romantic gift.  The thought BEHIND the gift, that is.

-  Archer

 As a bonus, here is a link to a time calculator.  I have used to to set special reminders for celebrating our first 100 days, 1000 days, our first 100,000 hours.  Tracking little things like this can add a little something to an outing.

 Photo courtesy of www.sourcetext.com