Men's Guide to Women

"How do you know when a woman wants to be kissed?" was a question I was greeted with a while back.  I could tell by the look on the mans face that there was story behind his question.

I stood there for a second thinking then said the first thing that came to mind.

"Hi, my name is Archer." I said, looking at him and putting out my hand to shake his.

He shook my hand and apologized for jumping straight to the question and bypassing the greeting and introduced himself as Thomas.

"I tell you what, I've got a few minutes so if you will tell me the story behind why you are asking the question I will tell you what I know about successfully kissing women.  Deal?" I said.

"Deal.  Tonight was my first date with this woman, Tiffany.  We were here eating dinner, wrapping up what I thought was a wonderful evening.   Tiffany and I work for the same company in different departments.  I have known of her for years, though she and I just formally met a few weeks ago.  Anyway I asked her out for tonight, we met downtown and did a few things before taking in a late dinner.

The short of it is after dinner we were over there about to call it a night, I was holding her hand and I decided it was time to give her a kiss.  When I got about six inches away her eyes bugged out of her head a bit and she moved to the side avoiding me and I wound up kissing the air.

After that it got all weird.  I did not even get a chance to apologize, she just seemed embarrassed, so was I, she said she had a nice time, said something about work, and took off for the door.

I saw you standing right there as I was just kind of going over the whole thing and I guess that question just kind of fell out."  He finished.  

I would have been too embarrassed to tell that story to a stranger let alone wait around for a reply.  All I was thinking was that it was really going to be strange for them at work on Monday, but that was not helpful.

"Let me ask you, when you were holding hands, were you standing side by side? Face to face? Sitting at a table?  How did that work?"  I asked.

"I held her hand a little bit across the table at dinner and I held both of her hands standing in front of her out here.  Why are you asking?"  He replied.

"Well I think the answer might be in the proxemics." I said.

"What?" He replied.

Proxemics Diagram"Imagine yourself standing in the middle of a target painted on the ground, right in the middle."  I motioned him to the side so I could finish the point without being in the way or looking like I was conducting a field sobriety test.

"Now put your arm straight out, if we were to draw a circle where the end of your arm is all the way around you that would be what is called a persons Intimate space."

I stepped right in front of him, looking at him to sell the point.

"Feel how strange this feels just below your chest and notice that you are looking at anything but me?"

"Yeah." as he stepped to a more comfortable distance, looking around to see if we were attracting unwanted attention.

"OK, that is the bulls eye of this target, the Intimate space.  We all have this invisible space we consider ours and only a very small group of people are allowed in that space.  Outside of that, about four feet from you is what is called Personal space, out to twelve feet is Social space, and out from there is Public space." I said.

"You know, that's alright, I appreciate you trying to help but I think I am just going to go." Thomas said, backing away a bit.

"Hey, I'm sorry.  I did not mean to freak you out or anything, it is just that I believe there is a simple answer as to why she got a little wiggly there at the end and your signals got crossed.  I just need you to understand a little bit of why I am saying what I am saying." I said.

"Well what's the simple answer?" Thomas asked.

"It is very similar to what just happened here.  You and I were about three or so feet apart talking, you were not so sure about me so you backed up a bit so that we are a good eight feet apart now.

You thought I might be a little strange, so you pushed me out of your Personal space, that four foot circle around you, and into your Social space where you felt more comfortable.

Here is my point.

She was holding your hand across the table, you were outside of her Intimate space with a table between you.  Out here she was holding you hand not as a gesture for you to come closer, but she was holding your hand out in front of her keeping you out of her Intimate space.

What you took as a sign to get closer she was intending as a conscious or unconscious sign to keep you back a bit.

She was not comfortable enough with you yet to invite you into her Intimate space, let alone kiss you." I said.

"You mean I took it too fast?"  Thomas replied.

I wish I had put it so succulently.

"Exactly." I said.

He said thanks, we shook hands and he left.  I'm sure he still thinks I am some sort of lunatic.  Oh well.

So when should you kiss the girl?

The short answer is when she invites you in.

How do you know when that is?

You can use a few tests to see what her body is telling you before you misinterpret a signal and end up smooching air like ol' Thomas.

Standing on the front porch at the end of a date trying to figure out if that is the time to kiss her is a little late in my book unless she has sent you plenty of signals beforehand.

Pay attention to those invisible barriers.  Again there are four, one is approximately the end of your extended arm or 18" away from your body, the next barrier is at approximately 4', then 12', and everything beyond that is what is considered public space.

If she said yes to the date then you should take that as an invitation to be inside the invisible four foot circle around her.

Holding hands side by side is a good sign, her holding your arm to her body in anyway is a good sign, her looking at you and smiling a bit is a good sign (unless you have something stuck to your face, of course,) and hugs can be good to name a few.

Those are all signs you are invited into her intimate space.  So far so good.  The last little barrier is 6", which may very well have a three dollar name, but I call it Kissing distance.

NOTE:  You could just ask her if you can kiss her.  That would be the normal male logical thing to do, but that lets most of the air out of her romance balloon, so as a rule try to solve the puzzle without flipping to the back of the book for the answers.  You will be rewarded for your work if you do it right.

You can test this Kissing distance barrier a time or two throughout the night by whispering something in her ear and seeing how she reacts (unless you are standing in a nightclub where it is unbelievably loud,) or gently touch her shoulder or her face.  Don't get creepy, just test the barriers a bit and see what kind of response you get.

For instance, if you whisper to her and her head is pulled away a bit, Whammy!  Not invited.

If she puts her head close to yours or pulls her hair back exposing her neck to you, we have a potential winner!

As for the kiss itself, and when it is right or not, I have a theory or two.

When there is private personal face time to be had I will hover outside of that 6" barrier, but when I am ready to kiss her (and I think she is not going to leave me hanging in the breeze kissing a rose bush or something) I get my face about six inches away from hers and look at her to see what kind of reaction I am getting.  If her neck bows up a bit or she cannot look at me, time to back up or go in for the hug.

If she looks at me or more importantly looks at my lips, I know we have a green light to proceed.  I will move forward slowly to about three inches and make her come the rest of the way.  If she is still 3" away from me but not coming forward I will put my hand under her chin and gently bring her to me. 

Be slow.

Be soft.

Be gentle.

Relax your lips, nobody wants to kiss a wall.

Let the experience build.

Caress her face, maybe her neck.

Be sweet and follow her lead. 

If she wants more kissing, who are you to complain.  If not, let her come up for air.

Keep your tongue in your mouth until her tongue tells you otherwise.

Keep your eyes shut while kissing, even if she is so amazingly attractive you feel compelled to look, don't.

Behave yourself, do things right and there will be plenty more where that came from.

Have a thought or story you would like to share about your "First Kiss?"