Men's Guide to Women

I have solved one of the universal puzzles in life.

All of my adult life I have been watching two dating scenarios unfold before my very eyes that did not seem to reconcile. It did not seem possible that both scenarios could co-exist except on a case by case basis. Or so I thought.

Scenario 1: Nice guys and geek friends of mine complaining, first over root beers, now over cold beers about their lack of success dating beautiful women, and the lack of attention they are getting from these women as well, even though they are the (self proclaimed) epitome of the nice guy, being considerate, warm and funny, just the guys these women always say they are after.

Scenario 2: Walking around anywhere there are large numbers of people, I invariably see some amazing women that seem quite content with complete geeks, oddballs, freaks, nerds or other member of one or another fringe class of guys they are dating or in relationships with.

Why do some beautiful women date geeks while other geeks cannot get past hello with any woman?  

Until recently, the only way I could reconcile that in my head was to simply write it off as “that guy got lucky”, “she does not know how beautiful she really is,” or “she is just one of a very small number of women that like to date geeky guys.”

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong again.

Finally, after completing a recent interview and going back over my notes with some other dating research I was hit with an amazing ah-ha moment.

I figured it out.

I always thought women wanted to go out with popular, confident and successful men.

Just because a guy is popular, confident and successful in his own right, does not mean he is not a nerd, geek or a dork. A popular nerd? Yes, they are all over the place.

• Women want men that are popular, but by popular I mean popular in any social circle that women can be or are a part of and where demonstrating confidence and success are possible.

• Women want men that are confident, but they do not care as to the source of the confidence. That confidence could be from being an exceptional chess player, an amazing network administrator, a great trumpet player, or by being exceptionally smart.  The source of that confidence can be anything, she just wants the confident end product.

• Women want men that are successful. To a degree this goes hand in hand with popularity. It could be that the popularity creates the contacts that in turn help a man find success or it could be a skill that creates the success and in turn makes a man popular. Women do not necessarily care about the source of the success; they just want to see success.

For almost every class and occupation of man there is a group of women that like that class and occupation and are attracted to the most successful confident guys in that group.

Let’s look at three examples.

Death row inmate. How does this guy meet a woman and get married while on death row? Simple, his crime creates the celebrity or popularity to attract the attention of women interested in that kind of man. You could argue, in a sick way, that she was attracted to his success. She could also be a woman wanting to fix or reform him.

Band Geek. Why is that beautiful woman with that band geek? Because he is not your ordinary average band geek, he has confidence brought about by being one of the best in the band. He is good at what matters to his social circle and as a result he is rewarded with attention from females that are part of that social circle.

Traveling Magazine Salesman. How does a traveling magazine salesman attract a woman? By selling the most magazines day in and day out, raising him in the ranks of other magazine salespeople and earning quality time with the females traveling around in the group as well.

Would any of these example men stand a chance with the women that, let’s say, follows NFL football players? No. They would be out of their area of expertise and away from their natural support base.

Because it is an easy one to follow, let’s take the band geek as an example and look closely at what happens to him socially as he gains popularity, confidence and success.

Band Geek decides to join the band at school, playing drums. Skill zero, popularity and success zero (unless he is carrying any popularity or skill points over from another social group.)

Band Geek practices and gets pretty good on the drums, picks up some skill and some popularity in the band social group and begins to attract the attention of females in the band.

Band Geek gets better at the drums and decides to setup a garage band with a few of his buddies. Skill medium, band skill zero, no songs, no success, social group of females from the band are still in play.

Eventually the Band Geek’s band gets good enough to finish a set and land a small gig somewhere. Now there are females interested from the same band social circle and a new club/band social circle that includes a local groupie or two.

Band Geek and the boys play in the local clubs and get their name on the sign out front on Friday and Saturday night. They get more exposure and the quantity and quality of groupie go up. Once Band Geek appears to have left the band social group he may lose his female followers from that group as well.

Band Geek and the boys hit the road opening for a mega band, increasing their exposure looking more like rock gods than garage flunkies. Again, the quantity and quality of the women/groupies go up yet again.

Band Geek and the boys become a mega band with buckets and buckets of women/groupies all over the place.

Band Geek may be a rock & roll god, but is he still a band geek? Yes. They are all still the same band geeks. The difference is in the popularity, confidence, and success they have collected along the way.

Do hot women go out with band geeks? Yes…. They…..Do.

Heidi Klum & Seal

Lia Neil & Vince Neil (of Motley Crue fame)

Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee (of Motley Crue fame)

Pamela Anderson & Kidd Rock

Mitzi Martin & Josh Todd (of Buckcherry fame)

Heather Locklear & Richie Sambora (of Bon Jovi fame)

Trisha Yearwood & Garth Brooks

Jennifer Love Hewitt & John Mayer

Shannon Tweed & Gene Simmons (of KISS fame)

The Takeaway for the Average Guy

• Determine what you are good at. Where do you experience success? Where is it that you feel best about yourself? Maybe you are a master Trivial Pursuit player. Maybe you are a good piano player. Maybe you are a World of Warcraft master.

• Define your social circles. Where do you work? What are your hobbies? (i.e. people that work on genealogy, people that play online computer games, people that are woodworkers, people that blog, people that Digg!, whatever your hobby is) What groups or organizations do you belong to (church, charitable, sports, social?)

• Look for areas where what you are good at, and your social circles intersect or where you feel the best about yourself. These are areas where you can demonstrate some success and bump your popularity in that particular social group.

• Look for women that are part of one of your social groups, where you can demonstrate skill and have some confidence/popularity. These women should be your first targets as they are already part of your life in some way if only as a bit player.

What do you do if you are not good at anything or there are no women in any of your social circles?

Well, that should tell you why you are having a problem getting a date. You have to go outside of all your social circles to find someone.

Add to your existing social circles, drop a social circle or two, or reshuffle them in importance to find a social circle that has women as a part of it where you can demonstrate some success earn some popularity.

Get good at something. It does not matter what it is just that you are good at it. The more specialized the skill, the smaller the group of women you will have to pick from.

Look for bigger and bigger stages to demonstrate your skill to attract a wider pool of women. An example would be if you are a hard core gamer, enter a tournament to get exposure. If you are a working professional, look for professional organizations or groups outside of work like groups dedicated to accountants, lawyers, architects, engineers, etc. Again, the bigger the stage the more females there will be interested in the popular, confident and successful guys in that group.

When all else fails, it comes back to confidence. Confidence is what allows you to fake it until you make it.

Get good at what you do and there will always be women that want to do you.

-Archer Parish

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