Men's Guide to Women

About fifteen years ago I ran across a new species of woman that I want to tell you about. She managed men like they were her sheep, and every man I know thanked her and paid her for her efforts. The experience was so remarkable that this class of woman is worthy of her own dating tips and relationship advice.

The month was June and for all practical purposes and I was newly single and enjoying the chance to get to do “guy stuff” again without having to solicit, listen to, or call a female to discuss or advise her as to my activities.

I had the day off so my friend Steve and I were at his girlfriend’s house playing Nintendo games.

My first question to Steve was “Why does your girlfriend have a Nintendo with all these great games?”

Steve’s answer was “Because she is cool” and we were both stupid enough to let that go as sufficient explanation. It would take me several years to actually grasp what was going on, which to this day is a credit to Steve’s girlfriend, Karen.

Karen was an attractive brunette, probably 5’6” with long curly hair that was more often than not died a dark red color. Karen could have an explosive personality, but she did a fair job of keeping herself in check. If insecurities were light bulbs, Karen could light up Las Vegas. Karen could be very manipulative and childish at times, but I guarantee she is not remembered that way by any of the guys in our group, including Steve.

Karen is remembered as a kind and sweet woman that any guy would love to know. While all of our respective girlfriends were griping and complaining about our in general basic guy behavior, Karen rarely if ever gave Steve any grief at all.

Our girlfriends all wanted more attention, regular phone calls as to what were thinking or what we were doing, not Karen.

Our girlfriends all wanted us to change in some way, complaining about the in general cleanliness of our apartments, our choice of clothing, or the quality of food stocked in our refrigerator. I my self kept a five pound jar of Peter Pan peanut butter, three or four loaves of bread in the freezer, a gallon of milk, some beer, Kool-Aid with mustard and assorted condiments in my refrigerator for example and never heard the end of it.

“You do not have anything green in your refrigerator. Where are your vegetables?” My girlfriend at the time would harp.

To which I would respond “There is plenty of green stuff in my refrigerator, look in that Tupperware container from Thanksgiving. I do not remember what it was, but it is green and I get my vegetables from the pizza delivery guy. There are all kinds of green bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and other little green bits of stuff sprinkled all over the place.”

I would never hear the end of it. Steve would never hear a word from Karen.

Karen was not a pushover, though. She was smarter than all of the other women we were dating combined, easily. While every other girlfriend was swimming upstream, overtly trying to change our behaviors or trying to force us into being the men they each wanted us to be garnering resentment from all of us the entire time, Karen turned us all into her fiercely loyal little pet sheep. Karen did a very good job of working her way into our group of guys and separating Steve from the herd for herself.

When it came time for a Guys Night Out, instead of fighting with Steve or demanding more of his attention, and facing the wraith of the male collective trying to protect our cavemen like ways, Karen enforced her own brand of rigid but invisible control by simply turning her back bedroom into a “man room” stocked with a great TV, comfortable chairs, board games, and video games all supplemented by alcohol, a consistent supply of cold beer, snacks, and the occasional home cooked meal.

To us, Karen’s house was a great place to hang out on the cheap and entertain ourselves for hours while Karen saw it as the perfect way to keep an eye on Steve, though none of us saw it that way at the time as Karen handled it all like the ultimate guy’s woman we thought she was.

As a result, more often than not, we were all at Steve’s girlfriends’ house for all of our guy activities, or at least a staging spot before we all headed out to the bars. As a result, Karen never really had to worry about where Steve was or what he was up to, all she had to do was bring in some more chips and dip and keep the fridge stocked with beer.

Karen was very smart. We thought we were taking advantage of Karen when the whole time she could not have been happier. Without being a shrew she knew exactly what Steve was up to and by having us in her house I am sure she stayed on top of what we were discussing, who was dating who, or who did what stupid thing at the bar last night.

You need a beer? Karen’s fridge was always stocked.

You need a snack or something to eat? Karen had you covered.

You want to play some games? Karen would have the latest and best stuff.

Need a good place to throw a party? Karen would arrange the keg if necessary and set it all up.

You want to watch the game? The game would be on at Karen’s, on a better TV than any of us had.

You want a steak or a nice fancy restaurant to take a date to? Karen had friends at the best two upscale restaurants in town that could get you in, and more importantly get you a healthy but discrete discount that made otherwise unaffordable nights practical.

Karen was also a bit of a match maker.  On many occasions, when we were all over at Karen’s house, amazingly enough relatively attractive females in full war paint (read makeup) and man attracting paraphernalia would stop by Karens place for a visit. Seemed innocent enough at the time, but in reality we were sheep. Baaaaaaaaaa!

Karen knew who we dated, the current status of all of our relationships, all of the types of women we went for, what our interests were, what we liked to eat, how much money we could throw around on a date and probably ten more things that I had no clue she paid attention to as she hung out in the background. She kept our interests in line with hers by supplying our every need, and sending in females she approved of from time to time as ready dates to keep us out of the bars as much as possible.

Steve thought Karen was so great that he bought her a car, even though every guy in the bunch advised against it. We also individually and collectively chipped in with a few dollars here and there to try and cover Karen’s expenses, as we did not want to lose our hangout.

In retrospect, I would say Karen came out even or slightly ahead on the deal financially, at the expense of her time and the patience necessary to put up with seven plus guys. She got her real return by keeping an iron grip on Steve and all of his closest friends without any of us ever realizing what she was up to.

To this day, I am certain every one of us thinks Karen was one of the greatest women we ever knew, thinking of her as selfless, caring and nurturing and a definite nominee for one of the all time “Women Guys Love Hall of Fame.”

As a footnote, Karen and Steve did not make it as a couple, but being the ever clever woman Karen was, she turned the then vacant guy hangout into the ultimate guy flypaper for her next catch. She is now happily married with two children living in Arizona.

Take a look around; see what kind of women are around you. Is there a “Karen” in your group somewhere? Honestly, you may not want to look because it is more fun living life sometimes when you can’t see the strings holding it all together.