Why Men do not Marry Women They Love Anymore
Every day it seems I see a new article in print or on the web, typically written by a woman, for women on the topic of “How to get a Guy to Propose” or “Why won’t he Marry Me.”
Before the flaming emails start, let me parse my words a bit, so you can at least flame me more accurately.
What is marriage?
The general population might say that marriage is a legal/religious union of two people in love wanting to share their lives with each other, promising to be together forever, for better or worse until death do them part. (Insert pretty music, floating hearts, and little cherubs shooting arrows in your ass while you are at it.)
Ask a divorce attorney and he or she might say that marriage is essentially a lifelong binding contract between two people that is guaranteed to blow up 50% of the time, with no escape clause or built in penalties for either member if one should become unstable, unreliable, or otherwise stop providing essential services to the other party short of dividing up the assets and more typically than not forcing the male member to financially support the female until she is able to find another male to marry her. Children aside. (Insert… Insert nothing, that paints a scary enough visual all by itself.)
Just recently I overheard two women in conversation about the same topic, saying:
“I don’t understand why he won’t ask me to marry him. We are perfect for each other. We enjoy the same things, we have fun together. If he does not ask me out by my birthday in May, I am going to leave him. I don’t know what’s missing but I can’t wait forever.”
Men do not get married for a variety of reasons but here are the big five as I see them.
- Because he could care less about the beautiful wedding, the pretty dress, all of the wedding drama on that special day, or the romanticized version of your life together forever. He sees the hard cold reality of the legal mine field surrounding marriage if it somehow falls apart.
- Because he can get all of the benefits he sees in marriage without being legally tied down and forced to walk the marriage mine field in the first place, while the female has built in incentive to stay sweet, attentive and sexy.
- If he does enter into marriage, there are no guarantees she will uphold her end of the bargain as he visualizes it, but by then he will be stuck with no recourse short of his facing steep penalties, including alimony, for what he may see as her failure. (Men have limited vision in this area typically, many naively believe they are taking a perfect dating relationship and cementing those behaviors in place for a lifetime with marriage.)
- He likes you enough to want to be around you every day, but he does not love you enough to feel compelled to make it permanent or take the added risks associated with marriage. A small part of him somewhere just might consider you a place holder until “The One” shows up. (Added competition from another guy can help get him off the fence with no guarantees on which side he might land, though.)
- In a dating relationship, he has more leverage. In a marriage a woman typically has more leverage, having the ability to make his life hell by being continually b*tchy, unhappy and/or celibate.
There has to be a whole lot of upside to a woman to outweigh the potential negatives of a life long contract chock full of financial penalties with no guarantees that she will fulfill any of her obligations as a partner.
Today, we are all collectively concerned about Me, Me, Me. That attitude flies in a marriage just about as well as a boat anchor. In marriage it should be We, You, Me, in that order, for both partners. That should be the model, but real life shows that it plays out more like “There will be a WE, only when YOU submit to ME,” and ending in divorce 50% of the time.
Why would he want to give up this…?
Dating or living together, in a position where he can end a relationship without penalty. She is a skinny little sex kitten that makes him feel better just by being in her presence.
For fear of ending up with this…
Married, with financial, emotional and mental penalties in place, she can turn off the sex tap, get a little to a lot larger, b*tchier, and make him feel miserable just for being a man by continually finding and emphasizing his faults, making him want to stay at the office longer and longer instead of having to face the woman he is chained to for life.
The reason he might be willing to take a swing at marriage is because he thinks she is worth the risk, he is ready for a family or he has had enough of the single lifestyle.
I am speaking in generalities here; I acknowledge up front that there are wide varieties of men and women, some good some bad, which will not necessarily be covered by my blanket statements. I accept the fact that there are women out there facing the same situation.
If you happen to find this article searching for an answer to “Why he will not commit,” here are a few tips that might get you some answers.
- Ask him. Skip all of the coy hints and just ask the question. I qualify that by saying make sure you do not use a b*tchy attitude when asking or he will go all defensive on you and shut you down. With a calm, non-accusatory tone, just flat out ask the question. “Do you feel this is a relationship leading to marriage?”
- Cut him off. If he is getting everything he wants without have to marry you, then why marry you. When cutting him off, do not do it in a mean way. Do not be a b*tch about it, be nice about it and let him know it is time to make a decision. Just be sure you can handle the consequences of your actions. You could be single again in a matter of minutes.
- Attract some additional suitors. Competition is good for the economy and it is good for forcing a man to make a decision. Again, if you play this card, you have to be ready to be put in the discard pile.
- Skip the mind games. I read one article that said “You want him to admit to himself and to you that this is as good as it gets.” I say bullsh*it. Call it exactly like you see it. If you are just curious, say so. If it is a matter of life and death and you cannot possibly go another day without an answer, say so. Guys are not good at guessing your thoughts, and they do not want to get good at it typically. Men do not deal with each other in hints and suggestions to get our point across; we whack each other over the head with the main point of contention then negotiate the rest and go for a beer when we are done.
- Leave. When all else fails, stop moaning and start moving. You will only be hot and sexy for so many years, use it while you’ve got it.
picture provided by http://www.unexpectedphotography.com
One Guy
in Mens Guide to Marrying Women
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Sure he may love her, but he is not going to marry her. Here are 5 honest reasons why and 5 things women can do about it. -
Response: save your marriagemain I felt after my divorce was great
Reader Comments (4)
First of all, I want to tell you that of all the "man oriented" websites I have viewed thus far, this is one of the very best. Everything I've seen reflects a lot of good common sense and thoughtfulness.
As for this particular entry, I totally agree with you. I am an "old fashioned gal" who has been married for over 21 years, and one of the things that I am desperately trying to teach my teen daughter is that men will not commit to anything that they can get for nothing. My mother used to say, "why buy the Cow, when you can still get the milk for free?" This makes perfectly logical sense.
Why should a man marry a woman who holds herself so cheaply that she is willing to provide housekeeping, maid, chef, and sexual services with no hope of any type of reciprocal exchange? It's only human nature: why PAY for things that you can get for nothing. We ALL love a bargain, and if someone is "selling it" at bargain basement prices, we'll all get in line for it!
Far too many girls are willing to "buy" the companionship of a man by moving in; and after the move in, they are cooking all of the meals, doing all of the cleaning, and providing free sexual services, all in HOPES that he'll choose to commit. WHY SHOULD HE? After all, he's getting the best of the "marriage" arrangement without having to commit to faithfulness or responsibility. And if she gains a few pounds or burns the toast one time too many, she's OUT and another gal is in. Modern gals have allowed themselves to become "a dime a dozen," and this is why men won't marry.
If all women held themselves in high esteem and counted their favors as priceless, like in the old days, things would change. Until then, modern gals will always lament about the "man who won't marry," while climbing into bed with him. Go figure.
To the poster above. Some women already own their own home when they get married - why do men assume that a man always owns/buys the home? I have my own home but am single. I do agree with Brensgrrl points though. More girls need to stop trying to take shortcuts by giving it all away in the hopes that the man will eventually marry her. He won't respect something that can be so easily gotten. I know that if I were a man I might think that way. Things that are easy to get are generally seen as having a lower value IMO.
Also, there are the women who will move in with a man at the drop of a hat because she does not want to work and pay her way in the world. She does not want to pay her own rent and bills and will let another person do this for her because she thinks it will be the easier way.
If girls do not get things for themselves, they really have no safe ground under their feet in life. It forces them to either stay at home or live with a guy and that makes one vulnerable and at a disadvantage I think.
To the lady who posted first; I agree with you, this is one of only a handful of sites that discusses the objections and realities men looking to marry face today. So many other sites out there are, understandable given the climate, very angry in nature. It's unfortunate though, because the name calling and put downs make it difficult for ALL of us, both men and women, to adjust to modern times.
Having said that, there is something that I find in most sites, even the good ones, that many of the female bloggers (modern or not) seem to completely miss. Maybe its intentional, I don't know. Nonetheless, I would like to stress it here, keeping in mind that the legalities faced by men in divorce and child custody battles only compound the problem:
"If he does enter into marriage, there are no guarantees she will uphold her end of the bargain as he visualizes it, but by then he will be stuck with no recourse short of his facing steep penalties, including alimony, for what he may see as her failure. (Men have limited vision in this area typically, many naively believe they are taking a perfect dating relationship and cementing those behaviors in place for a lifetime with marriage.)"
OK, so before I get into why this struck me right away, lets be clear on one issue right off the bat: men and women are different, which means we think differently. Ladies, we don't think and feel the same way about things as you do. There are of course exceptions, but this is an objective fact, please just deal with it already. Marriage, to most men (marriageable men) is more than just about love; its a goal oriented task you undertake with someone you love because its chances of success are higher. This is just how many of us feel and think and, no, it isn't wrong just because you think it is based on the fact that you, and I stress YOU, see it differently. What makes you think you're way of thinking is the "right" way? Are so many of you so arrogant to assume that your viewpoint, collectively or singularly, is in fact an absolute truth?
Having said that, let me first set the scene in such a fashion that I an to articulate my point effectively (in other wards, bare with me ;)): I am a 26 yr old male living in Canada. I own 2 small, but growing, businesses. I am also a teacher. I studied mathematics and physics at the university level, and did my masters in education. I am very hard working, very open minded, and would value a strong minded, independent woman in my life. I am not anti-feminist; in fact, I support equity (not gender, or radical) feminism because the reality is that it has not only liberated women but men as well. Further, I am not looking for a doormat, I am looking for a partner and contributor. No free rides as far as I am concerned. But guess what? I refuse to marry. Why? Is it because I am bitter? Have I had a bad relationship, or was mommy cruel to me? In all honesty, those kind of explanations would be easier, but its just not that simple. My choice goes right back to the quote I chose. In my view, and it seems to be the same as many males, marriage is about partnership. To a man (a marriageable one anyway), a partnership and commitment is something which is meant to benefit those who have committed. Legally and historically, this is the very definition. Given that us eligible bachelors today see so very often that once we enter into marriage we are not going to reap any of the benefits that we were promised, why would we bother? It's very much like agreeing to go into business with someone and to share the profits 50/50, signing a legally binding agreement to do so, then after the fact it ending up being a 80/20 split in favour of your partner even if you have been doing equal work. And to make matters worse, women are not bound by the "legalities" (figuratively here, women do pay alimony, although they are still the minority) of the contract itself; and on top of all that we so much more often get raped in courts, and loose contact with our children. Again, who in their rational mind would want to enter into such a ridiculous contract?
As the author wrote:
"In a dating relationship, he has more leverage. In a marriage a woman typically has more leverage, having the ability to make his life hell by being continually b*tchy, unhappy and/or celibate."
When we marry, typically, we do so expecting that person to be caring and emotionally supportive, kind and APPRECIATIVE and RESPECTFUL, and someone who accepts us for who we are with all our strengths and weaknesses, and, yes this too, access to REGULAR SEX. We want to have someone in our lives that, regardless of your strengths or the size of your paycheck, will make us feel good about ourselves and make us feel like men. So, again, when men realize that marrying a modern woman most often means that very few, if not all, of these expectations, the expectations that make marriage appealing to us, aren't going to be met, why would we? Would you?.. And ladies, we already know the answer the that: 70% of all divorces are initiated by women.
So, stop telling us how you are hard done by, and stop insulting us because our answers threaten your world view and make you feel insecure. And stop trying to convince us that we "just don't get it" ONLY because we don't see it the same way as YOU do. Right and wrong is subjective, and therefore not absolute. With so little benefit to marriage these days for a man, coupled with the enormous risks legally, it's just not worth it.
Finally, I do understand that the same can be said about men too. Many men don't provide much of this in a relationship either. However, again, the reality is that many women, not all, are likely to flake on their end of the deal. The reality is ladies, like it or not, most of you are just as unmarriageable as most of us, and unfortunately therein lies the problem.
In conclusion, the only solutions I have come up with are as follows: Ladies, for the most part you are naturally better listeners then us. So START ACTUALLY HEARING what we have to say. We are discussing our grievances with you, yet so few of you actually listen to us. You talk at us, insult and try and shame us because of your own insecurities, and refuse to accept that the shabby state of affairs in today's society is 50% your fault. Gentlemen, be more open, say what you mean, and DON'T cave. If ALL of us are gonna move past this we have to stand strong in our convictions. Finally, those who do decide to get married, get a prenup whether you're making 50K of 500K; if she wants you to sign her piece of paper, she has to sign yours end of story. I know we all hate lawyers, but until laws reflect the current situation and the realities we face, we have to use what's at our disposal; change is always slow.
I have been dating a girl for over a year now and she tells me there is no pressure to marry.
This is the SAME one who told me ON OUR FIRST DATE! that she wants to re-marry SOMEDAY!
I WILL NOT marry her for the following reasons:
1. I do not want to care for HER children.
2. I still want my freedom.
3. Marriage is boring.
4. Marriage is expensive
5. Marriage is torture.
6. If you are unfaithful you will feel things worse than the wrath of GOD.
7. Life is too short to be with just one person.
There you have it. I am not interested.
Yes, I know I will die a lonely old man. But so what, that will happen anyway to her ex who is now no longer with the one he planned on spending eternity with. So how will I luck out?
I wont luck out. Just stay single and happy!