Men's Guide to Women

Men, let me ask you a question. Do you have your testicles, or does your wife/girlfriend have them?

Just for clarification, I am not mad nor do I want to anger you, this is just a question, man to man.

Most men I know would rather sacrifice themselves a little bit and tiptoe around the house on egg shells rather than listen to their significant others argue, cry, scream or get upset.

If you are not completely certain who is in possession of your manhood, ask yourself these questions.

• Do you find yourself acting like an angry ten year old boy over stupid stuff like washing the dishes, taking out the trash or arguing with your wife over little things you would not waste fifteen seconds talking about with “the guys?”
• Does your wife or girlfriend get mad at you for not listening to her? Does she repeat what she says over and over again, driving you nuts in the process?
• Do you feel like your wife or girlfriend criticizes you repeatedly for no good reason?
• Do you feel like you have to be right in every argument, or that you just have to “win” every battle?

If you answered yes to any of these questions I am sad to say you are no longer in possession of your testicles, but that is OK, identifying the fact that they are gone is the first step on the road to recovery.

The only reason I know this to be true is because I have been there. I willingly gave up my manhood to my wife because I had always been taught that that was what being a real man was all about.

I could not explain why I felt bitter, mad, angry,  and resentful or found myself acting like a little boy when I would get in an argument with my wife. I tried to get past it, but there was just no end to my anger or frustration and nothing I did, except walk away, could keep that mad little boy from showing up when the verbal arrows started flying.

I came to realize I was mad because I felt I had compromised who I was just to make her happy to the point that  I did not like the man that was left.  My love for my wife turned into resentment because she never seemed to appreciate my selfless gestures.  She never seemed happy, she just wanted more, more, more.

Thankfully, one day I was blessed with just enough clarity to begin to see the solution.  

I am not angry anymore and no, I did not get a divorce, but I do have my testicles back and I am nicer, more considerate and loving to my wife than I have been in years.

I am not a spineless wimp caving into her every whim, I am not an a**hole treating her poorly, and I am not a pouting little boy, resentfully doing things for her under the banner of compromise.

The first step for me was identifing my own core beliefs and rebuilding who I was based on those beliefs.  That meant throwing beliefs others placed upon me or that I placed upon myself, in the name of compromise or keeping the peace, out the window when those beliefs did not reconcile with my own .

I am a man. I say what I want.

I am a man. I do not sell out who I am to placate others.

I am a man. I do not ask for permission.

I am a man. Compassion for my family trumps my need to be right.

I am a man. I do not tolerate my wife’s attempts to belittle me.

I am a man. Patience over temper.

I am a man. I speak my mind in spite of my fear of confrontation.

I am a man. I apologize when it’s appropriate, not simply to please others.

I am a man. I ask for help whenever I am not being the man I want to be.

These may seem like radical statements from a mad, angry lunatic, but I assure you I am happier now than I have been in years. You would be happier too, if all the weight of everyone else’s feelings and expectations of you were lifted off your shoulders and wiped from your mind and you only marched to the expectations you set for yourself.

Acting Like a Man

You are a man.  You should not blindly accept someone else telling you what you want or need to do about anything. You should do what you want to do. If you are uncertain, seek the counsel of other men, not women, as they do not know what it is like to be a man anymore than you know what it is like to be a woman.

You are a man. Do not abandon your position on something just to placate someone else. Change your position when it makes sense or when cooperation makes sense. Cooperate, do not compromise, there is a huge difference.

You are a man. Do not ask for permission to do something, just do it. If you need advice seek counsel from men and cooperate with what is in the best interest of you and your family, but do not ask permission and do not expect her to ask for permission from you.

You are a man.  Have compassion for your family. Stop being the little resentful pouting boy that feels the need to fight and argue to be right. Silence the little boy in you, shut up and just listen without anger. If you do not understand ask for clarification.  Do not try to fix her problems, just listen.

You are a man. Do not tolerate being belittled by anyone. State your feelings, do not defend them. There is no  good way to defend a feeling, just let it stand.  If the underlying basis for your feelings change, feel free to change your feelings on the subject.  When the name calling begins, leave until calmer heads prevail.

You are a man.  Your temper is that little boy feeling wronged, keep the little boy in his place (you still need him for fun) and let patience guide you. This one is not easy, but it is rewarding when you get past the temper swelling inside you and you are able to see clearly again. The moment you let your anger show your little boy is out for the world to see and your credibility on this point has been reset to zero.

You are a man. You have feelings and you have a right to express them and in some cases you have a duty to yourself to express them, even when your thoughts may be unpopular or spark confrontation. The other person may not like what you have to say, but that is not really your problem, now is it?

You are a man.  Apologize when it’s appropriate, when you have legitimately done something wrong, not simply to please others.

The Takeaway

I can already hear some of you saying, so what’s the big deal if you give in a little bit here or there on these issues?

These are my ideals, I am saying that you should be firm on those ideals that are core to you, be it this list or one you create on your own, because sacrificing or compromising one of these points for me is tantamount to compromising me.

Do not plant the flag on something like “I am not taking the trash out ever again.” That is the little boy being defiant. Cooperate with others as needed to get things done but do not compromise yourself or your beliefs in the process.

These ideas may seem new and hard to wrap your head around but Wayne Levine has done a fantastic job putting this concept to paper in his book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men.

To be the best man you can be, find your sack, take it back and put it where it needs to be, above your knees, for without the guts to save your nuts, you will be forever known as the man that never was.

-Archer Parish

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