Men's Guide to Women

( This is Part 2 of an interview with Wayne M. Levine, noted author of the book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men. To read Part 1 of this interview follow this link: Part 1:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s )

Wayne M Levine: Silence the Little Boy is the most important BetterMen Tool. That’s the guy who grew up feeling like he wasn’t fathered the way he needed to be, didn’t get what he wanted, is angry and upset and is stomping his feet through life. He expects her to read his mind, to do what he wants and he is not really taking responsibility for himself, his life, or his relationships.

You gotta silence the little boy inside before you can expect to become the man you want to be. The way you silence the little boy is to act like the man you want to be, and that is why it is so important to have your N.U.T.s. You need to have that road map. The more you act like the man you want to be the more you will become that man.

I recommend that over sitting in therapy and talking about the wounded inner child the rest of your life because a little insight goes a long way. It is good to know where this comes from but, men, we need to take action. When we don’t take action, nothing will change for us.

BB: Tool two, Express but Don’t Defend Your Feelings, to me, seems like one of the most powerful statements in the whole book. Can you explain what that looks like in practice?

Wayne M Levine: (the man) “Honey it really upsets me that you throw the newspaper out before I have had a chance to read it.”

(the woman) Well I thought you were done with it and I don’t know why you are yelling at me.

(the man) It really upsets me when you throw it out when I am not done reading it.

(the woman) W-Well what do you mean? I thought that…

OK, now you have just said something. It’s as clear as day. You have probably talked about it in the past. She knows you don’t want her to throw the paper out before you have had a chance to read it, but she wants to get it in the recycling bin for pickup that week.

There is nothing else to say. She doesn’t like the fact that you are upset with her and she is going to want to have a conversation so that she can feel that you are not upset with her anymore. However, if you keep talking, you are likely to dilute the message. That is like a pretty benign example…

Listen men, she needs to know how you feel. Women have been complaining about this for years. Men have not been telling women how they feel because they’re afraid about having discussions about their feelings. When you start talking about your feelings, women typically try and convince you out of how you feel because how you feel is making them feel uncomfortable.

BB: (Laughing)

Wayne M Levine: Did you follow all that?

BB: Yes.

Wayne M Levine: So men go back into their shells because they are not communicating how they feel. But men, you have to know, you gotta communicate it, open your mouth, let them know.

They may say “I don’t understand what you mean” but they do, they do. You gotta grab your balls and when something comes up you have to let her know.

Rather than having the discussion on her terms, have it on your terms. Just let her know how you feel. You don’t have to beat her up. You don’t make her wrong. You don’t make her feel terrible. You just tell her.

Now, the other part of this is that for some men it’s intolerable for their women to be upset with them and that’s one of the obstacles.

“How do I tell her that, then she is going to get mad and then we are going to have an argument, and then I won’t get laid for a month?”

Well, things begin to change when you are not afraid to say how you feel because you know you are not going to defend your feelings. You are just going to express them.

It’s a big topic, but hopefully some of that will resonate with the men.

BB: Run the Sex and Romance Departments, tool number four. I think I like that tool, but how can a guy Run the Sex and Romance Departments when his wife has the purse strings, so to speak.

Wayne M Levine: It is our job to romance our women. We are not waiting around for her to bring us flowers. We don’t care about that crap, but just because we don’t care about it, doesn’t mean they don’t care about it.

They really care about that stuff. Boy, when you go to the store and you find the right card, you get the perfect gift, you go home, she opens it and she thinks about all the time you spent thinking about getting this card or setting up that date for her. That makes her feel special. You have got to do that. If you do not do that you will not get laid, or at least you won’t have a happy participant.

So, you have to romance, and romance can mean a whole lot of things. It could be the traditional stuff or just the things that you know she likes to have done that makes her believe you really care about her.

When you romance her, she will give you the sign, and when she gives you the sign it is your job to do a bang-up job. You gotta take care of her, in a big way. There are things we talk about at the Men’s Weekend that I am a little reluctant to talk about here because I don’t know who is going to hear it, but there are ways that we talk to the men about sex and what women need that make sense to us.

BB: How do you help these guys out if they need more help than what is in the book?

Wayne M Levine: Well, I think they all need more help than the book. The book is a good place to start, but you need the men and one way to get the men in your life is to do a Men’s Weekend where you can develop some very strong relationships.

We are doing the BetterMen Weekend for men a couple of times a year in southern California, near Santa Barbara. Men have flown in from all over the country, from Canada and Australia to work with us. It’s a three day event, you get initiated into manhood, you learn tools, you learn about yourself, you have a lot of fun because we do a lot of stupid stuff that I think is important for us. The stuff that we do in our Men’s Weekend women would never do, that’s why it is a Men’s Weekend.

BB: (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: That is why I am a big fan of retreats that are just for men. There is a lot of transformational work where men and women share it together. Good stuff can come from it, but I am telling you men, the goal is being with the other men because you can learn how to be a great man with women, from other men. I think it is a better place to learn it than with a bunch of women. Women cannot teach you how to be the man you want to be. You can only get that from other men.