Men's Guide to Women

Tiger Woods has focus. Tiger Woods has a goal. Tiger Woods does not show a whole lot of emotion unless he does one of two things. When Tiger sinks a shot that should have been near impossible, he gets visibly happy, until the next shot, then it is all business again. When Tiger hits a poor shot, the kind replicated on golf courses all over the world on a daily basis, he gets angry and disgusted with himself, until the next shot, when he is focused and ready to begin again.

What does this have to do with women? What can a woman learn about a man from this?

One of the major criticisms of Tiger of the years has been “He is not friendly. He does not wave to the crowd or shake hands. He barely acknowledges the people that paid to be there and watch him play.”

Tiger cannot have laser like precision focus that carries him through 72 holes of golf and goof off and pop someone’s ass with a towel on the walk between holes. He blocks everything out but what he is doing at the time, playing golf.

When Tiger has dropped his last club in the bag for the week and heads home to his wife and new baby, I am certain he is a different man. He drops his laser like focus for golf and his stern expression with his golf bag in the garage before heading in the house.

I am certain he is more relaxed, he smiles more, he tells more jokes, and he is able to comfortably slip into the role of doting father and caring husband.

You see, there are at least two Tigers. Work Tiger and Play Tiger. 

Many, many men are like this.

"Their lives are compartmentalized so they can focus on getting the appropriate goals and objectives accomplished. The guy at the office is not the same guy at home or even the same guy playing weekend softball. Different objectives can bring out different characteristics in a man needed to achieve the goal."

I have talked to many women over the years that just don’t understand this component of their men. To the credit of some women, though, some women do "get it" and have maximized the potential of their man because of it.

These are some of the things I have heard women say that give me a clue there might be a problem in this area…

“Why does he ignore me? Why won’t he talk to me? Why is he different with me around his work friends? There are times he just won’t talk to me. What is he thinking? There are times it does not feel like he loves me. I don’t like “Work guy,” I hate it when he shows up.”

If you, women, have asked yourself any of these questions, I MAY have an answer for you. There are other possibilities, but take a look at the context of the situation before you get all bent out of shape.

Just because a man has razor like focus on his work and seems not to notice your naked presence in the room, does not mean that he does not love you or want you.

It could mean, oh, that he is focused on his work or the project at hand. It could mean that he is calling on all of his mental faculties and all of his characteristic traits to solve some sort of problem or get something knocked out. You are right in that he does not notice you. You are wrong in assuming that he does not love you or care about you just because he is able to focus on something while ignoring you.

Your man may even snap at you a bit if you take more that a few seconds of his focus away to discuss something/anything not related to his task at hand.

A quick kiss or an “I love you” is about all the time you might get before he starts getting testy. He does not want to let go of his focus to pay all of his attention to you.

Don’t get your feelings hurt, just observe your man and notice where your guy is at mentally.

When a man is focused on a task at hand, that is not a good time to break out the “We need to talk” conversation or dump your guts about your difficult day (unless you are good with the “Uh-huh, yes dear, that’s terrible, can’t believe it” type of generic responses he is bound to spout because he is not listening to you.) You are just going to get upset and annoyed with him if your expectations are set too high when he is in one of these states of mind.

Having the ability to have a laser like focus is one of the qualities you should want to encourage in your man. That quality alone will carry him forward through the rough patches to achieve his objectives or at the very least put him on a fast track at work to bigger and better things.

Smart women recognize this about their men and learn how to work with the characteristic rather than against it. Working against it will only lead to heartbreak, misunderstandings, arguments, getting your feelings hurt or worse.

You want your man to have the ability to focus on a desired objective; just don’t be so selfish as to assume that objective should be you 24/7 or whenever you are in need of a roomful of attention.

Give him the latitude to focus where he needs to as he feels it necessary to provide for the family. Most men are ingrained with a sense of taking care of and providing for their family. It is an important goal in the majority of men and one that he will unconsciously as much as consciously seek to fulfill as in many men success in this area is tied to his personal sense of worth.

You can be most helpful by staying out of the way when focus is required in areas that do not involve you or in areas where he has not asked for your opinion. Conversely, in areas that are important to you or you otherwise have a stake in the outcome, conversation is critical. Anything you can do to help him find clarity in what he needs to do and get his focus pointing the right direction the better off you will both be.

For instance, laser like focus on finishing the restoration of that 1969 Mustang in the garage is not a healthy thing if the house is headed into foreclosure, the bills are not being paid and he is unemployed. Of course, if he has found a way to turn that project car into cash, support the man and hand him a wrench.

In situations where you think his focus needs to be redirected, how you talk about your concerns will be critical in how they are received. If he feels attacked in anyway, you have already lost. You might as well be speaking a foreign language because he will either shut you down or completely tune you out.

You can help redirect or reshape his focus with some smart questions. For instance, “What are your thoughts on this foreclosure situation?” This will get him talking as long as he thinks you are listening, and you two have some sort of dialog already established on the topic.

Men often formulate strategies in conversation taking ideas the hear put together with their own thoughts to develop a course of action. Your input on the issues can not only get your opinion heard, but may move him to implement your ideas.

If, however, you go into how all of this makes you feel, your disappointment in him, or you start dragging (what he will see as unnecessary) emotion into the issues you are destined to be shut down. To him, emotions cloud the issue. If it is a difficult situation, he is most likely disappointed in himself already and hearing that from you will be deemed unnecessary and unwanted.

He wants the problem fixed, just like you. A fix removes the pain. Anything that introduces more pain or is not seen as resolving the pain in a situation will be met with a desire to shut that line of conversation down.

Let’s recap and see if there is a point in all this…

A man that can focus is a good thing. A man that can focus and achieve objectives is a good thing. A man can and will refuse your need for all of his attention if he feels he cannot risk losing his focus on whatever he has his mind set.

While you could take that rejection personally and get your feelings hurt, analyze what is going on for what it truly is. Help him direct his focus where it needs to be and you will both be better off. Knowing when to demand his attention and when to leave him to his own devices is an art form unique to your man.

One last note, most men need to have a content wife and stable home to be able to redirect 100% of their focus toward their work. When things are not right with the wife or at home he will have a harder time focusing on what he needs to do to get things done. Taken to the extreme, a man that feels like he is in a lose-lose situation at home may make some drastic moves to get his ability to focus back.