Men's Guide to Women

Tiger Woods has focus. Tiger Woods has a goal. Tiger Woods does not show a whole lot of emotion unless he does one of two things. When Tiger sinks a shot that should have been near impossible, he gets visibly happy, until the next shot, then it is all business again. When Tiger hits a poor shot, the kind replicated on golf courses all over the world on a daily basis, he gets angry and disgusted with himself, until the next shot, when he is focused and ready to begin again.

What does this have to do with women? What can a woman learn about a man from this?

One of the major criticisms of Tiger of the years has been “He is not friendly. He does not wave to the crowd or shake hands. He barely acknowledges the people that paid to be there and watch him play.”

Tiger cannot have laser like precision focus that carries him through 72 holes of golf and goof off and pop someone’s ass with a towel on the walk between holes. He blocks everything out but what he is doing at the time, playing golf.

When Tiger has dropped his last club in the bag for the week and heads home to his wife and new baby, I am certain he is a different man. He drops his laser like focus for golf and his stern expression with his golf bag in the garage before heading in the house.

I am certain he is more relaxed, he smiles more, he tells more jokes, and he is able to comfortably slip into the role of doting father and caring husband.

You see, there are at least two Tigers. Work Tiger and Play Tiger. 

Many, many men are like this.

"Their lives are compartmentalized so they can focus on getting the appropriate goals and objectives accomplished. The guy at the office is not the same guy at home or even the same guy playing weekend softball. Different objectives can bring out different characteristics in a man needed to achieve the goal."

I have talked to many women over the years that just don’t understand this component of their men. To the credit of some women, though, some women do "get it" and have maximized the potential of their man because of it.

These are some of the things I have heard women say that give me a clue there might be a problem in this area…

“Why does he ignore me? Why won’t he talk to me? Why is he different with me around his work friends? There are times he just won’t talk to me. What is he thinking? There are times it does not feel like he loves me. I don’t like “Work guy,” I hate it when he shows up.”

If you, women, have asked yourself any of these questions, I MAY have an answer for you. There are other possibilities, but take a look at the context of the situation before you get all bent out of shape.

Just because a man has razor like focus on his work and seems not to notice your naked presence in the room, does not mean that he does not love you or want you.

It could mean, oh, that he is focused on his work or the project at hand. It could mean that he is calling on all of his mental faculties and all of his characteristic traits to solve some sort of problem or get something knocked out. You are right in that he does not notice you. You are wrong in assuming that he does not love you or care about you just because he is able to focus on something while ignoring you.

Your man may even snap at you a bit if you take more that a few seconds of his focus away to discuss something/anything not related to his task at hand.

A quick kiss or an “I love you” is about all the time you might get before he starts getting testy. He does not want to let go of his focus to pay all of his attention to you.

Don’t get your feelings hurt, just observe your man and notice where your guy is at mentally.

When a man is focused on a task at hand, that is not a good time to break out the “We need to talk” conversation or dump your guts about your difficult day (unless you are good with the “Uh-huh, yes dear, that’s terrible, can’t believe it” type of generic responses he is bound to spout because he is not listening to you.) You are just going to get upset and annoyed with him if your expectations are set too high when he is in one of these states of mind.

Having the ability to have a laser like focus is one of the qualities you should want to encourage in your man. That quality alone will carry him forward through the rough patches to achieve his objectives or at the very least put him on a fast track at work to bigger and better things.

Smart women recognize this about their men and learn how to work with the characteristic rather than against it. Working against it will only lead to heartbreak, misunderstandings, arguments, getting your feelings hurt or worse.

You want your man to have the ability to focus on a desired objective; just don’t be so selfish as to assume that objective should be you 24/7 or whenever you are in need of a roomful of attention.

Give him the latitude to focus where he needs to as he feels it necessary to provide for the family. Most men are ingrained with a sense of taking care of and providing for their family. It is an important goal in the majority of men and one that he will unconsciously as much as consciously seek to fulfill as in many men success in this area is tied to his personal sense of worth.

You can be most helpful by staying out of the way when focus is required in areas that do not involve you or in areas where he has not asked for your opinion. Conversely, in areas that are important to you or you otherwise have a stake in the outcome, conversation is critical. Anything you can do to help him find clarity in what he needs to do and get his focus pointing the right direction the better off you will both be.

For instance, laser like focus on finishing the restoration of that 1969 Mustang in the garage is not a healthy thing if the house is headed into foreclosure, the bills are not being paid and he is unemployed. Of course, if he has found a way to turn that project car into cash, support the man and hand him a wrench.

In situations where you think his focus needs to be redirected, how you talk about your concerns will be critical in how they are received. If he feels attacked in anyway, you have already lost. You might as well be speaking a foreign language because he will either shut you down or completely tune you out.

You can help redirect or reshape his focus with some smart questions. For instance, “What are your thoughts on this foreclosure situation?” This will get him talking as long as he thinks you are listening, and you two have some sort of dialog already established on the topic.

Men often formulate strategies in conversation taking ideas the hear put together with their own thoughts to develop a course of action. Your input on the issues can not only get your opinion heard, but may move him to implement your ideas.

If, however, you go into how all of this makes you feel, your disappointment in him, or you start dragging (what he will see as unnecessary) emotion into the issues you are destined to be shut down. To him, emotions cloud the issue. If it is a difficult situation, he is most likely disappointed in himself already and hearing that from you will be deemed unnecessary and unwanted.

He wants the problem fixed, just like you. A fix removes the pain. Anything that introduces more pain or is not seen as resolving the pain in a situation will be met with a desire to shut that line of conversation down.

Let’s recap and see if there is a point in all this…

A man that can focus is a good thing. A man that can focus and achieve objectives is a good thing. A man can and will refuse your need for all of his attention if he feels he cannot risk losing his focus on whatever he has his mind set.

While you could take that rejection personally and get your feelings hurt, analyze what is going on for what it truly is. Help him direct his focus where it needs to be and you will both be better off. Knowing when to demand his attention and when to leave him to his own devices is an art form unique to your man.

One last note, most men need to have a content wife and stable home to be able to redirect 100% of their focus toward their work. When things are not right with the wife or at home he will have a harder time focusing on what he needs to do to get things done. Taken to the extreme, a man that feels like he is in a lose-lose situation at home may make some drastic moves to get his ability to focus back.

 

More than once over the course of my life I have had a female acquaintance toss out her opinion on the subject of “pornography.”

“Looking at dirty magazines is disgusting.”

“If I discovered my boyfriend had a porn collection that would be the end of that relationship.”

“It is so gross that men look at that stuff.”

“We are married. The only thing he should be looking at naked is me.”

Hearing these comments over the years has always grated on me a little bit, but I have historically let these kinds of comments go just because it never seemed worth it to wade into a conversation about pornography with women in general.

A while back I found a large overstuffed brown chair to sit in at a local bookstore while I perused the contents of my selections. It was the middle of the afternoon, so the bookstore was almost empty and exceptionally quiet.

As I am reading, I hear some faint giggles in the distance. I let it go, barely acknowledging I heard it.

After a few more rounds of hearing the collective giggling, I am curious and begin to look around to see what is so funny. Finally I see three young girls, somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 years old, all tucked in a corner of the art section looking at what looks to be a standard paperback book.

Twenty minutes later I am up and headed to the checkout line. As I breeze past the art section I remember the giggly girls and glance to see they are still there. They were gone, but the book they were looking at was on the table near where they were sitting. Still curious as to what was so funny, I take a brief detour to check out the title of the book. It was a romance novel.

Who gets all giggly over a romance novel? I guess young girls can laugh at anything I thought to myself. Looking back at the book I noticed they had bent the hell out of the spine of the book, so much so it was very easy to figure out what they were reading simply by picking the book up and letting it flop open.

What I read surprised me. Three pages of very descriptive sex, short on dialog and long on penetrating details that I would not want my fifteen year old girl reading, assuming I had a fifteen year old girl to begin with.

That evening my wife had three of her girlfriends over for dinner to plan some sort of function that I had nothing to do with. I joined them after wrangling the children upstairs to the game room and later getting them off to bed.

Work had apparently degraded into random chatter by the time I got back to the group because the project was no longer the topic of discussion.

Never one to go timidly into a conversation I threw out my best thought provoking question based on the days events shortly after sitting down and taking a sip of my drink.

“Why are women allowed to consume large quantities of what I will call porn in the form of romance novels with little or no outcry from people in general but a man reading/looking at a magazine with naked women in it is deemed disgusting, gross, or just simply termed a dirty old man? Why the double standard?”

The room got so quiet I could hear myself drink. Everyone sat looking at me and looking around in silence. I did not look directly at my wife, but I was sure what expression she would have on her face.

For that matter, I did not have to look. I could tell by the new buzzing sound in the room that she had just flipped on her eyeball lasers and was making preparations to blast me out of my chair as soon as I dare look at her.

To fill the silence I quickly relayed the story of the events I had seen at the book store to lay the apparently necessary ground work for my question, clear up any misconceptions about me being a dirty old man, and let the silence hang again.

Finally one of the women, Paige, spoke.

“Romance novels are not pornography. They are romance stories, but romance does include sex sometimes. I think it is grossly unfair of you to classify a whole category of books as pornography based on three pages of reading.” Paige said.

“Fair enough.” I said. “So your contention is that I am not even well read enough to be able to have a relevant opinion on the subject. Okay.”

“They call those books ‘bodice rippers.’ “Darlene replied. “It is a bit small minded I think to compare dirty magazines with romance novels.”

“Admittedly, I have never read a single chapter from one of these books, but based on the few pages I did read, that was porn. No matter how you flower it up with fancy words, talking about putting Body Part A into Body Part B and describing the action, blow by blow, (pardon the pun) that’s porn.” I said.

“Not all romance novels are written that way. It is not fair to characterize them all as being porn.” Darlene retorted.

I was honestly surprised at the response I was getting. My wife had the least to say, at least in actual words anyway.

“Well since it seems I have squarely put my foot in it, tell me this. Why is a picture of a naked woman considered porn when a story with a graphic description of having sex with one or multiple men/women not?”

“Those women are being exploited or are exploiting themselves and the few pictures I have seen were gross unflattering positions. They just focus on body parts.” Em responded.

“So, you don’t think the pictures are attractive and you are repulsed by the potential exploitation, so that combined with close ups of body’s parts equates porn?” I tried to clarify. “Why is it OK for Wal-mart to sell fresh romance-porn every third Thursday of the month (when most of the new romance books come out) but not sell Playboy?”

“Why is a picture of a set of boobs more offending than reading about Jack piercing her mound with his pulsating, throbbing member, thrusting in a glaze of her love juices with her skirt pulled up exposing her naked ass any different?”

“OK maybe I went a bit too far with that last one, I apologize for my directness, but I think the looks on your faces make my case. You are all blushing. Your mouths are saying it’s not porn, but your ears just confirmed upon hearing it that it was. You would not be flushed and embarrassed by mere romance talk would you? Well, everyone except my wife, whose face is red because I have hijacked this intimate gathering and maybe irked her a bit. Before she asks me to leave, does anyone have a good answer for this?” I asked.

“Women read romance novels for the love stories and the plot twists. The stories carry the book not the sex. The sex is just a natural part of the romantic progression. The proof would be that women start at page one and complete the book, not skipping to the fifteen or so pages of sex in the book just to get off.” Diane said.

“So you are telling me that descriptions of explicit sex are not porn because they are scenes set in a larger love story? Is that what I am being told?” I asked. “In these magazines that are dubbed porn the pictures are set between articles on cars, clothing trends and interviews with interesting actors, politicians, or business people. Why is that different?”

“That is not a fair comparison.” Darlene replied. The “articles” are not the same as a single beginning to end story about a couple that happens to have sex in it.”

“OK. One more bit for your perusal” I said. I went to the Harlequin book website and looked up their submission guidelines for some of their various titles of books. Here is a copy of the Harlequin Spice book submission guidelines.” I unfolded the piece of paper in my pocket and lay it on the table in center of the group.

Reprinted here from http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=1263&chapter=0

Writing Guidelines
SPICE

Word Length: 90,000 –150,000 words
Format: Trade paperback
Editor: XXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXX
Editorial Office: Toronto

Modern women have finally begun embracing and taking charge of their own sexuality. Everywhere you turn; the media is celebrating and promoting women and sex: on TV, in Hollywood, in every magazine on the rack. SPICE is Harlequin’s new single-title imprint for really good, really smart erotic fiction for the modern woman who also wants a great read.

We are looking to acquire bold, pushing-the-envelope, high-quality editorial from top authors and talented new voices that have the ability to deliver believable, high-wattage sexual content set within the context of contemporary mainstream fiction. We want novels that will take the genre above and beyond today’s stereotypical erotica stories.

What will set SPICE apart is its broad spectrum of sexy editorial. Stories in this line will range from highly sensual love stories to more contemplative, humorous tales to gritty, slice-of-life experiences of sex and the modern woman. Our diverse editorial direction will include ethnic, literary (humorous, edgy, urban), mystery/suspense and paranormal genres in first or third person point-of-view (female only), or if it works for the story, multiple points of view.

SPICE is…

1. A great plot, an engrossing story with several explicitly sexual scenes that have context within the story.
2. A unique take on modern women, their lives, their relationships and whatever turns them on.
3. Sophisticated, urban, contemporary, realistic, relevant.
4. Graphic, using the kind of frank language typical of the genre.
5. Daring—feel free to explore any and all sexual situations, even ones considered “taboo.”
6. Not a string of unconnected, gratuitous sex scenes.
7. Not a big traditional romance with lots of sex.
8. Not full of euphemisms for body parts or lovemaking.

While actual SPICE titles will not be available until its launch in February 2006, prospective authors can familiarize themselves with some competitive titles, such as: Wifey by Judy Blume, 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed by Melissa P., Story of O by Pauline Reage, The Sexual Life of Catherine M. by Catherine Millet, Addicted by Zane, The Other Woman by Eric Jerome Dickey, Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell; and authors such as Jaid Black, Emma Holly, Alison Tyler, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Toni Bentley.

Please submit partial or full manuscripts accompanied by a synopsis. No emailed submissions, please. Agented submissions are preferred, but not essential.

Send your submission to:

SPICE

“This reads heavy erotic sex to me. Why aren’t these novels wrapped in tinted plastic and put behind the counter where women would be forced to ask for them and declare proudly that they do indeed want to read porn?” I asked.

No real answer. I could tell the crowd was starting to turn against me and at least one or two were desperately wishing I would shut up and get off the uncomfortable topic. My wife was a little more direct.

“Honey, we really do have some things we need to take care of, can you let us get back to it?” she said.

“Have a good night ladies.” I said, excusing myself.

At the end of the day, I like knowing that females have their own backroom porn collections out there.

I like it that millions of women are out there standing on a razor thin line saying romance novels are not porn because they are wound together with a good story.

Based on the sales of these books and the numbers of women in the adult industries, from being photographed for magazines to more hard core options, it seems that many of the very readers of female porn are the very people making male porn for audiences to consume.

I like it that stacks of females out there posing for nudie pics don’t consider what they do porn, but consider it a form of art instead.

Whatever it takes to make your world go round, I guess.

Men, society tells us we are pond scum dirt bags because we like to look at the form of a naked woman in print or film, yet they keep packaging it up and selling it, and women all over the world will call you all sorts of nice things while they smile and take your money. Women are considered connoisseurs of low brow literature for their consumption of romance novels which they do indeed keep packaging and selling to the tune of $1,000,000,000 a year in new romance paperbacks.

It is somehow more degrading to see pictures of a naked woman than to read about one taking on two lovers at a time or getting sordid second by second details of an encounter in a romance novel. One is disgusting the other is an act of romantic fantasy.

All this has taught me is that men like their sexual charge to come in the form of a shot glass. Concentrated, direct, and quick and repeated as often as necessary to achieve the end goal. Women prefer their sexual charge in big frozen fruity drink. A slow chill in a glass that turns into a warm burn on the inside when given enough time to work.

On another note, going back and reading a few more chapters of these books I get a very clear understanding of what the idealized image of a man is to a woman and a better understanding of why some women will never find what they are looking for.

I have been told that nearly half of all the paperbacks sold are romance novels. I did not verify that, so take it for what it is worth, but that is a lot of potential soft core porn out there.

Men read Playboy for the articles. I know. I know.

Women read romance novels for the love and romance and the six pages describing the dress he is slowly pealing her out of. I know. I know.

I think it is more about the pictures and porn than either side will care to admit, and I am good with that.

Photograph courtesy of  http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1022/1134218160_ef03958134.jpg?v=0

 

A Letter from a Reader:

Archer,

     My husband and I live busy lives and our sexual encounters are always planned and never spontaneous.  I decided to be spontaneous and I grabbed his penis. He got upset and said I was being too rough. It was in the morning when he usually has the best erection so I was being spontaneous. Nonetheless we did not have sex that morning cause I was then turned off and so was he.

We discussed it later and he felt I grabbed it not to initiate sex but to control him. I disagree, so we are at a standstill on this issue.

What advice would you give me on this issue and how do we resolve it?

                                                                                                                                                          - Glo

Glo -  

A woman that initiates sex is never a bad thing in my book.  I think I could get a “Hell Ya!” from most of the men out there on that point.  However the idea is that it is supposed to be arousing to both of you. 

Sounds like you were being bold and a little bit daring but ended up getting your feelings hurt when your advance was spurned.  He sounds like he was in fear/shock and trying to get his little buddy out of a meat grinder before it was too late.

Think of it this way. When your husband touches you it can feel like anything from disgusting to amazing based on your mood and how skilled he is at using just the right touch.  Being too forceful with your parts ceases to be pleasurable and starts to hurt, endorphins or no endorphins.

Ok, throw all that out, here is my answer.

Try not to treat “It” like the keys to the car you grab off the counter and jam into the ignition to go where you want to go.

Instead, treat “It” with the care and caressing you give a new baby. Be slow, be careful, be gentle, soft kisses, gentle touches, gently run your fingers over the soft skin. A little eye contact (with the big head, not the little one) can go a long way as well.

I think your advances will be more welcomed and he might pay some extra special attention to you to try and encourage that behavior in the future, it just depends upon which head he is thinking with at the time.

Archer Parish

Boingbook.com

 

Here comes Valentine’s Day and another opportunity for you to strike up a little romance. 

 

If you are short on ideas take a look at what I have in store for my wife this year.  Man to man, you need to step up and take care of her on this one.

 

Want to know where Valentines Day came from?  Look here. 

 

I know, I know.  Why should you have to buy her a card just to tell her something that she already knows, (that you love her) Right?  Nope.  No Sweet Tarts for you.

If you think that way, you are missing the point and destined to have a disappointed woman, and a disappointed woman has a way of disappointing her man.

 Valentines is a decidedly female holiday.  Most women are into the flowers, gifts and candy.  I do not want flowers, I do not want a teddy bear with a little heart sewed on its chest, and don't even think about giving me anything with a cherub on it. 

I could eat some chocolate, but I could do without the heart shaped box.  I do not see the point in any of it for the average guy, but I do understand the value for her.

I could give you a long list of tips and great ideas but I am not going to do it. Nope, I am not going to hand it to you, I am going to make you think a little first, because the romance is in the details and details, my friends, are only details if they are important to your woman (and she notices.)

This year I am going to tell you what I am doing for my wife this Valentines and show you my thought process and the details I am incorporating so you can snag a few ideas and do the same. If you come up with something fantastic, though, I want to hear about it.

Where I Begin or “Jeez, it is already Valentines again, what am I Going to do THIS Year?”

(For the record this took a total of four hours to figure out and about two weeks of advanced planning to get the more obvious pieces listed below.)

One of my wife’s favorite books right now is The Da Vinci Code. One of my wife’s favorite movies is Serendipity.

So, this year, I am incorporating elements from the book and the movie into what I hope is the perfect Valentines Day experience.

 

OK, Now What, Genius!

It would be helpful if you understood the plot to Serendipity so you would understand the significance of what I am talking about as it relates to the movie. Here is my Cliff’s Notes version:

In the movie, Jonathan Trager (John Cusack) bumps into a girl named Sara Thomas (Kate Beckinsale) there is some attraction but Sara is not sure if it is "meant to be," so she puts her name and phone number in a copy of a handy used book, titled Love in the Time of Cholera that is subsequently sold.

Jonathan spends years checking used bookstores for the copy of Love in the Time of Cholera that she signed. He eventually finds it and gets a chance to meet her again.

(It is just the kind of syrupy story my wife loves. I am the John Cusack fan in the family and what is not to like about Kate Beckinsale?)

 

Here is the Plan

This year I am going to send my wife on a small scavenger hunt based on elements of this book and movie to find her Valentine’s Day gift.

I am beginning with a code, ala The Da Vinci Code, that she has to read and follow.

See the example below:

 

 

It is not much of a code really, but read top to bottom, left to right, it says:

SEEK THE SMELL OF SOMETHING SWEET

 

I am incorporating two other coded letters at different locations around the house that have significant meaning for her.

The last letter will direct her on a date at home with me watching Serendipity on DVD with all of her favorite home made and store bought snacks.

After the movie is over, I will produce a gift for her, strategically wrapped and hidden under the nearby couch.

The gift, or pre-gift really, is a copy of the book Love in the Time of Cholera, just like the one in the movie.

Opening the book, she will see an inscription (placed exactly where the character in the movie, Sara, wrote her phone number in the book) and another small code to lead my wife to her Valentines gift.

This last letter will lead her to a small wooden box hidden in our bedroom. Once she tries to open it she will realize it is not your average small wooden box, as it has no lid, but she will be able to hear something sliding around inside of it.

The box is a four move puzzle box. You have to slide the panels around on the face of the box in a certain order to get it to open.  If you have not heard of puzzle boxes before, look here.   Check out the video clip at the end of this article for more on puzzle boxes.

Once my wife solves the puzzle and gets the puzzle box open she will see another small box, one that has a more traditional dark blue velvet exterior, otherwise known as your standard jewelry store ring box.

Opening the ring box, she will discover a custom made ring already sized for her with a very small note rolled up telling her just how much I love her.

That’s my plan. Got any ideas for next year?

Image courtesy of Pictures of the Heart 

The US Department of Agriculture calculated the estimated cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $170,460 for a middle-income dual parent family.  They have no estimates for the value you get in return.

 

1. Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

2. Glimpses of God every day.

3. Giggles under the covers every night.

4. More love than your heart can hold.

5. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

6. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

7. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.

8. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

9. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

10. You get to see a beautiful angelic face sleep every night.

11. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.

12. You have an excuse to keep reading Green Eggs and Ham, Peter Rabbit &, Peter Rabbit, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to kid movies, and wishing on stars.

13. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

14. For $170,460, there is no greater bang for your buck.

15. You get to be a hero just for teaching them to whistle, helping them learn to ride a bike, removing a splinter, building a fort, picking them up when they fall, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

16. You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

17. You get to be immortal.

18. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

19. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

20. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

Image Courtesy of Linnea Lenkus Fine Art Portraits; Courtesy of Tom Madigan

A few years ago, I wrote my wife a Valentines letter that included what I had learned over the last twenty years.  I recently stumbled across it again and thought I would post a few of the points that still resonate with me today.
 

 

What I Have Learned... 

1. Age 19 – I am not bullet proof.
2. Age 22 - Sometimes I hear better when my mouth is shut
3. Age 25 - I realized I was not a good negotiator and paid way too much for my new car.
   
4. Age 25- I was not nearly as smart as I thought I was at age 20
5. Age 28- I learned that "take your breath away" was not just a figure of speech when I saw my wife in her wedding dress.
6. Age 29- I learned I was not the perfect man, as you subtly, but frequently reminded me.
7. Age 29- I learned what I look like with grey hair
8. Age 29- I learned you hate me/love me/hate me/love me. I now understand hormones.
9. Age 29- I learned what legally loving two women was like when my daughter was born.
   
10. Age 29- I realized “pretty” was nothing compared to “beautiful” as I watched you with our first daughter.
11. Age 29 - I realized they really do send you home from the hospital with a baby and no instruction manual.
12. Age 29 - I realized it was no longer about me, my daughter taught me how to serve someone else.
    
13. Age 30 – I learned what you look like with grey hair.
14. Age 30 – I learned that I was good at “swaddling.”
15. Age 30 – I realized I was not nearly as smart as I thought I was at age 25
16. Age 30 - I experienced the joy of buying our first house and the pain of paying the mortgage.
    
17. Age 31 - I realized how much I did not know about taking care of a house.
    
18. Age 31 – I learned I was not wrong, “beautiful” beats pretty any day as I watched you holding our second baby girl.
19. Age 32 – I realized I was a “Dad,” I had a new vocabulary, with words like “wipey” and “ba."
20. I came to understand that it took 40lbs of gear to go anywhere for any length of time with a  baby and a toddler.
21. Age 33 - I learned my wife did not know what she was doing either as a parent, she was just better at faking it!
22. Age 34 - I understood why my mother cried on my first day of school.
    
23. Age 35 – I learned I was really not very smart at age 30 after all.
24. Age 35 – I realized the smartest thing I ever did was ask my wife to marry me.
25. Age 38 - I realized how many true friends I really had.
    
26. Age 40 – I realized I was getting smarter, but I was still pretty stupid at 35 and that I have a lot more to learn.

Image provided by http://dropsofshk.blogspot.com

 

To view the full version of this interview (without being broken down into Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3, click Wayne Levine Full Interview)

 

 

 

 

 

BoingBook: I am here with author Wayne M Levine. He is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, California and founder of BetterMen.org. He has put together a tremendous book called Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men.

We have tracked him down and he has graciously agreed to do an interview for us, to help you get a better feel for what his information is all about.

How are you doing today Wayne?

Wayne M Levine: Terrific, and if it is about helping men to be better men, fathers, husbands and leaders, I am all in.

BB: Excellent. That is exactly what we are here for.

Wayne, we deal with men and the challenges they face in their relationships every single day. There are millions of men out there having problems dealing with the women in their lives. Can you tell me how your book can help those guys?

Wayne M Levine: Look, most men are not comfortable in their own skin as men. They have not been initiated into manhood, they do not have close relationships with other men, and they haven’t had healthy role models. So we are boys, we grow up, we develop bad habits and all of the sudden we find ourselves in long term committed relationships and it’s suddenly a minefield, but it doesn’t have to be.

The purpose of the book is to make it very simple for men to understand that there are some things they have to do to be clear about who they are as men.

There are some tools that are very simple that men need to use to honor who they are as men in their relationships, so the result is you become a better man and you become a better man in your relationships.

BB: Wow that is pretty powerful. Well I think we will just stop the interview right there.

Wayne M Levine: ...but you do have to read the book, and you do have to commit to it, and you gotta take action and that’s what separates the boys from the men. The men are going to do something about it, the boys are just going to whine and complain about it.

I make it simple but make no mistake becoming a better man takes work so you have to be in it, you have to be all in.

BB: I would say the most common questions we get are from guys wanting to know how to talk to women or relate to them in some way. How can your book help a guy learn how to talk to women?

Wayne M Levine: The problems that men have are around listening, really. It is a listening issue and there is a reason why it is difficult for men to listen to their women. Men get into arguments all too often or run away and hide because they can’t take her bitching and complaining or whatever it is they think they are hearing.

When you slow down and start paying attention to the things that are going on in your head just before you argue and start paying attention to what is making it so difficult for you to be there and listen to her you will to see things differently in your relationship.

Most men hear their mommies yelling at them and that is why they can’t listen to their wives, you can read all the psych books you want to find out the details but the truth is that’s the way we are.

Our first model of a woman is our mom, and our first model of a relationship is our parents. We grow up with that and we have to decide for ourselves “Is that what I want my relationships to look like?” “Is that the man I want to be?”

The advice that men have been getting over the years about how to relate to women has been such crap that men are confused. There is so little good wisdom coming man to man that I understand why it is such a challenge for most men out there. This book is all about figuring out what is going on with you.

BB: Your book is clearly unlike anything else out there for guys, how did you develop the material for this book?

Wayne M Levine: A buddy of mine invited me to a men’s group open house. I went and I saw these men talking and interacting with each other in a way I had never seen before. It was the weirdest experience and I loved it. I found out this men’s weekend had an opening two weeks away so right there, that night, I said “I am going to do it.”

It was the first major decision I ever made without consulting with my wife. I was a good little boy. I learned a lot from the men’s weekend I did and from the men I was involved with for years afterwards.

I realized that I had an affinity for this work, a real passion for it. So, after years and years of creating men’s events, and figuring out what worked for me and what worked for the men in front of me, I realized I had something. This was the stuff.

I tried to deliver it in the book the way I deliver it to the men that I work with at the West Coast Men’s Center and the men that I work with over the phone when I coach them. Simple, straight, man to man.

BB: A lot of the how-to manuals and step-by-step guides out there feel like they are adding a level of complexity to a guy’s life. Your material seems to simplify a guy’s life. Was that one of your intentions, or was that just a side benefit of the program?

Wayne M Levine: It was absolutely an intention because we are very simple creatures. Food, sleep, sex, we’re good.

BB: That’s it, we’re good.

Wayne M Levine: But we’ve learned to become very complicated and that is where we have been feminized. Women are complicated, men are simple. We have, over the last several generations, grown to think and behave like women. That is why everything seems so complicated. The point is it should be simple.

Be the man you want to be, take care of your woman. She will get what she needs and you will get what you need. You don’t have to think like a woman, you just have to be a man that knows how to take care of his woman. It is very simple stuff.

BB: In your book you talk very specifically about men being afraid of their wives. I found that a very curious point to say the least. What did you mean by that?

Wayne M Levine: Well, they act afraid. I see a lot of men. They are terrified of their wives. They don’t think about it that way but they are acting that way.

What is really going on is they are afraid of losing themselves in these conversations and these arguments that they have with their women so they go to great extent to avoid the confrontation. Men avoid the discussion because they know what’s going to happen.

She can talk circles around you, whatever it is, and you become afraid. You become afraid of your own reactions.

Women hate that, they feel terrible about that. When you give a woman the power to make you feel that afraid, that is a dangerous place to be. Women don’t want that power. Men don’t want to feel emasculated.

It is really our responsibility to take that power back and you do that by learning the tools needed to be able to be an equal, but uniquely from a man’s perspective. I think a lot of the men will agree that at some level they are afraid of losing themselves and they are afraid of their women. They can change that.

BB: You also make reference to a few other emotions men are experiencing. You say a lot of men today are angry, sad or full of shame. From your experience, why are men feeling this way?

Wayne M Levine: Masculinity is not celebrated in our culture for sure. We’ve been the perpetrators for a long time now. Women are realizing that hey, we have some parity in the workplace, things are changing economically and socially, but our men are wimps.

They are saying “That’s not the man I want. I want a strong confident man. I want a man that is going to run the sex and romance in our lives. I want a man that is going to make me feel safe, take care of me even if I have a career, even if I am smart, I want a good strong man.”

Men feel like there is something wrong with them for being men because the messages we have gotten for so many years from parents, teachers, magazine articles, and the idiocy on television make us feel like there is something wrong with us for being men.

In so many different ways we are not free to be who we are, so we get angry, we get depressed, and then we start indulging our addictions. It’s an epidemic out there.

BB: When we first started we talked about the title of your book, Hold on to your N.U.T.s., can you tell us exactly what that acronym stands for?

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, that’s the full name and it stands for Nonnegotiable, Unalterable Terms.

( This is Part 2 of an interview with Wayne M. Levine, noted author of the book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men. To read Part 1 of this interview follow this link: Part 1:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s )

 

 

 

 

Wayne M Levine: Silence the Little Boy is the most important BetterMen Tool. That’s the guy who grew up feeling like he wasn’t fathered the way he needed to be, didn’t get what he wanted, is angry and upset and is stomping his feet through life. He expects her to read his mind, to do what he wants and he is not really taking responsibility for himself, his life, or his relationships.

You gotta silence the little boy inside before you can expect to become the man you want to be. The way you silence the little boy is to act like the man you want to be, and that is why it is so important to have your N.U.T.s. You need to have that road map. The more you act like the man you want to be the more you will become that man.

I recommend that over sitting in therapy and talking about the wounded inner child the rest of your life because a little insight goes a long way. It is good to know where this comes from but, men, we need to take action. When we don’t take action, nothing will change for us.

BB: Tool two, Express but Don’t Defend Your Feelings, to me, seems like one of the most powerful statements in the whole book. Can you explain what that looks like in practice?

Wayne M Levine: (the man) “Honey it really upsets me that you throw the newspaper out before I have had a chance to read it.”

(the woman) Well I thought you were done with it and I don’t know why you are yelling at me.

(the man) It really upsets me when you throw it out when I am not done reading it.

(the woman) W-Well what do you mean? I thought that…

OK, now you have just said something. It’s as clear as day. You have probably talked about it in the past. She knows you don’t want her to throw the paper out before you have had a chance to read it, but she wants to get it in the recycling bin for pickup that week.

There is nothing else to say. She doesn’t like the fact that you are upset with her and she is going to want to have a conversation so that she can feel that you are not upset with her anymore. However, if you keep talking, you are likely to dilute the message. That is like a pretty benign example…

Listen men, she needs to know how you feel. Women have been complaining about this for years. Men have not been telling women how they feel because they’re afraid about having discussions about their feelings. When you start talking about your feelings, women typically try and convince you out of how you feel because how you feel is making them feel uncomfortable.

BB: (Laughing)

Wayne M Levine: Did you follow all that?

BB: Yes.

Wayne M Levine: So men go back into their shells because they are not communicating how they feel. But men, you have to know, you gotta communicate it, open your mouth, let them know.

They may say “I don’t understand what you mean” but they do, they do. You gotta grab your balls and when something comes up you have to let her know.

Rather than having the discussion on her terms, have it on your terms. Just let her know how you feel. You don’t have to beat her up. You don’t make her wrong. You don’t make her feel terrible. You just tell her.

Now, the other part of this is that for some men it’s intolerable for their women to be upset with them and that’s one of the obstacles.

“How do I tell her that, then she is going to get mad and then we are going to have an argument, and then I won’t get laid for a month?”

Well, things begin to change when you are not afraid to say how you feel because you know you are not going to defend your feelings. You are just going to express them.

It’s a big topic, but hopefully some of that will resonate with the men.

BB: Run the Sex and Romance Departments, tool number four. I think I like that tool, but how can a guy Run the Sex and Romance Departments when his wife has the purse strings, so to speak.

Wayne M Levine: It is our job to romance our women. We are not waiting around for her to bring us flowers. We don’t care about that crap, but just because we don’t care about it, doesn’t mean they don’t care about it.

They really care about that stuff. Boy, when you go to the store and you find the right card, you get the perfect gift, you go home, she opens it and she thinks about all the time you spent thinking about getting this card or setting up that date for her. That makes her feel special. You have got to do that. If you do not do that you will not get laid, or at least you won’t have a happy participant.

So, you have to romance, and romance can mean a whole lot of things. It could be the traditional stuff or just the things that you know she likes to have done that makes her believe you really care about her.

When you romance her, she will give you the sign, and when she gives you the sign it is your job to do a bang-up job. You gotta take care of her, in a big way. There are things we talk about at the Men’s Weekend that I am a little reluctant to talk about here because I don’t know who is going to hear it, but there are ways that we talk to the men about sex and what women need that make sense to us.

BB: How do you help these guys out if they need more help than what is in the book?

Wayne M Levine: Well, I think they all need more help than the book. The book is a good place to start, but you need the men and one way to get the men in your life is to do a Men’s Weekend where you can develop some very strong relationships.

We are doing the BetterMen Weekend for men a couple of times a year in southern California, near Santa Barbara. Men have flown in from all over the country, from Canada and Australia to work with us. It’s a three day event, you get initiated into manhood, you learn tools, you learn about yourself, you have a lot of fun because we do a lot of stupid stuff that I think is important for us. The stuff that we do in our Men’s Weekend women would never do, that’s why it is a Men’s Weekend.

BB: (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: That is why I am a big fan of retreats that are just for men. There is a lot of transformational work where men and women share it together. Good stuff can come from it, but I am telling you men, the goal is being with the other men because you can learn how to be a great man with women, from other men. I think it is a better place to learn it than with a bunch of women. Women cannot teach you how to be the man you want to be. You can only get that from other men.

(This is Part 3 of an interview with Wayne M. Levine, noted author of the book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men.  To read Part 1 of this interview follow this link: Part 1:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s , to read Part 2, follow this link: Part 2:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s.)

 

 

 

BoingBook: I would like a little clarification on Tool 5, Being the Rock. For me, “Being the Rock” always meant not showing your emotions, keeping everything inside, not crying, going John Wayne style, but that does not sound like what you mean by Be the Rock.

Wayne M Levine: No, your woman needs to know that no matter what she says, what she does, what time of the month it is, what happened that day with her mother or her girlfriends, that when she tells you or when she acts out that you will be there for her, that you will not try to fix her, you will not run away to your study or the garage, you will not try to argue with her because it is so uncomfortable for you, you will just be there for her and when she is done you are unscathed. You are the same man she started talking to.

When you can be that strong man, when you can be the rock for her, in those moments, she will want to have sex with you.(laughing) How’s that?

BB: Alright. Hey, uh, sign me up, what was that? That was “Be the Rock.” What page is that in the book?

Wayne M Levine: That is what she needs from you. No matter how strong this woman is, no matter how much masculine energy she has, no matter how successful she might be in her own career, she is still a little girl inside and there are times when she needs a strong man to be there for her.

It is not easy doing that because you have to do your own work, men, to figure out why that is so difficult, but once you figure out how to do it, you will be amazed. That is when men start to regain that power to be the men they want to be in the relationship.

It is not about you calling the shots. It is not about you being in charge. It’s just you being comfortable in knowing your job and your role in that relationship and most men are just not clear about how that should work for them.

BB: Tool six Don’t Argue, that sounds like something that goes hand in hand with “Be the Rock,” but that seems very difficult to execute.

Wayne M Levine: Well, yeah, its tough but you just have to stop it. You know what we say? If in doubt, shut the F up.

BB: Now see that’s a simple rule I can remember.

Wayne M Levine: You probably won’t go wrong if you shut up. Now you can’t do that all the time, but if you are not sure, shut up, wait, don’t argue.

If you want to have a discussion, you can let her know. “I’m happy to talk to you about this, but I am not going to argue about it.” It takes time to get there, I know.

It’s very difficult for some men to imagine that their relationship can change but I am telling you I have seen relationships on the brink of divorce turn around.

When you see the senselessness of arguing with your woman you start to realize you do not need to argue with anybody, because when you know what your N.U.T.s are, there is no need to argue.

Once you realize that you don’t need to argue you realize that’s just a good rule to take with you everywhere you go.

BB: You know for myself, I find that when she starts into her problems, I want to dive in and fix it, but it sounds like from what you are saying, I should just shut up and listen.

Wayne M Levine: They don’t want you to fix their problems. What can I tell you? Everyone knows this, it’s in every book.

BB: Where have I been?

Wayne M Levine: You can’t fix the problems, just listen. I have been married 24 years, every now and then my wife will ask me about how to handle something (laughing) and I will say to her “Do you really want my advice… on this” and she will say “Nnnoooo.”

BB: (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: “OK, good.”

BB: Fair enough, moving on.

Wayne M Levine: No matter how much I soften it, the way I would handle that problem doesn’t even come close to how she would handle it. Don’t fix it. Not your job. Support her. Encourage her to get more help. Encourage her to figure out the solution. Don’t try to give it to her because you will just get disappointed, resentful, and then you are in a mess. Knock it off.

Something that is occurring to me as I hear my own voice is that this is the energy; this is the voice of a man talking to another man. This is not a therapist talking to a man.

There are definitely some good therapists out there who have a sense of their own masculinity and can deliver that to men, but by in large you will not get this therapy because they are not really there to tell you what to do, I am going to tell you what to do.

Listen, the work that we do is about fathering, so sometimes Dad needs to tell you what to do, he needs to tell you how he feels, and tell you what’s expected of you as a man, OK? Sometimes it is asking questions and letting you find your own way, but we do not need therapy all the time. We need some guidance, we need some wisdom. We need to get some of the information that our dads didn’t have for us because they didn’t get it or they didn’t know how to deliver it, or they had their own issues going on with Mom that they were not around.

It is not about you being the man I want you to be. You develop your own N.U.T.s.

Use these tools and be that man and I will support you. Now if I don’t like who you are, I am not going to want you in my life, then you have to decide whether that’s the man you want to be. Right?

I am not telling you the kind of man to be, but I am going to give you my honest feedback about how I feel about being with you and how your actions are impacting me. I owe it to you, because you are not going to get that truth everywhere and that is what we teach the men to do for each other.

Tell the truth. If that guy’s an asshole, then it is good for the him to hear that, because if a man in the group is telling him that you can bet the people in the outside world are thinking it, and it is good information to have, then he can decide what to do with it.

BB: So for the guy out there that has been with us for the last several minutes reading this, what’s the motivation to move for the average guy out there?

Wayne M Levine: Well, first of all, if you are reading this you are probably not the average guy because most men are too afraid to even look into this stuff.

BB: We just get a better crop of guys, that’s all there is to it. (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: (laughing) Certainly there is something in this work that is resonating with the reader that is still reading. So, if you have not read enough to buy the book now, don’t buy the book. If you are still listening, you are already in, man. Just buy the book and keep going.

BB: Just one more question. How can a guy get in contact with you for mentoring or for one of your BetterMen’s Weekends? How do they take it to the next level once they are done with the book?

Wayne M Levine: Go to BetterMen.org. or you can email me at Wayne@BetterMen.org and I will respond. I work with men individually under the name Mentor4Men, I talk to men weekly when we get started and help them integrate what’s in the book into their life.

We have the BetterMen Retreats that we do it a couple of times a year. The next one for us is actually coming up March 6^th through March 9^th, 2008. You can get information about that on the website as well.

BB: And where is that event in March going to be?

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, March 6^th through the 9^th, just outside Santa Barbara and I am telling you if you have never done anything like this before you are going to have the time of your life and if you have done work before, this weekend will be different.

I just want to say to the men that are reading this, I honor you for having the balls to try to be a better man. Don’t quit.

BB: Thank you Wayne for taking the time to give us a little bit of insight into your book and into this new way of thinking. It is not traditional and not like anything else that we at BoingBook have ever heard as it relates to men.

I really appreciate you taking the time today, thank you very much for being with us.

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, thank you.