Men's Guide to Women

BoingBook: I am here with author Wayne M Levine. He is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, California and founder of BetterMen.org. He has put together a tremendous book called Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men.

We have tracked him down and he has graciously agreed to do an interview for us, to help you get a better feel for what his information is all about.

How are you doing today Wayne?

Wayne M Levine: Terrific, and if it is about helping men to be better men, fathers, husbands and leaders, I am all in.

BB: Excellent. That is exactly what we are here for.

Wayne, we deal with men and the challenges they face in their relationships every single day. There are millions of men out there having problems dealing with the women in their lives. Can you tell me how your book can help those guys?

Wayne M Levine: Look, most men are not comfortable in their own skin as men. They have not been initiated into manhood, they do not have close relationships with other men, and they haven’t had healthy role models. So we are boys, we grow up, we develop bad habits and all of the sudden we find ourselves in long term committed relationships and it’s suddenly a minefield, but it doesn’t have to be.

The purpose of the book is to make it very simple for men to understand that there are some things they have to do to be clear about who they are as men.

There are some tools that are very simple that men need to use to honor who they are as men in their relationships, so the result is you become a better man and you become a better man in your relationships.

BB: Wow that is pretty powerful. Well I think we will just stop the interview right there.

Wayne M Levine: ...but you do have to read the book, and you do have to commit to it, and you gotta take action and that’s what separates the boys from the men. The men are going to do something about it, the boys are just going to whine and complain about it.

I make it simple but make no mistake becoming a better man takes work so you have to be in it, you have to be all in.

BB: I would say the most common questions we get are from guys wanting to know how to talk to women or relate to them in some way. How can your book help a guy learn how to talk to women?

Wayne M Levine: The problems that men have are around listening, really. It is a listening issue and there is a reason why it is difficult for men to listen to their women. Men get into arguments all too often or run away and hide because they can’t take her bitching and complaining or whatever it is they think they are hearing.

When you slow down and start paying attention to the things that are going on in your head just before you argue and start paying attention to what is making it so difficult for you to be there and listen to her you will to see things differently in your relationship.

Most men hear their mommies yelling at them and that is why they can’t listen to their wives, you can read all the psych books you want to find out the details but the truth is that’s the way we are.

Our first model of a woman is our mom, and our first model of a relationship is our parents. We grow up with that and we have to decide for ourselves “Is that what I want my relationships to look like?” “Is that the man I want to be?”

The advice that men have been getting over the years about how to relate to women has been such crap that men are confused. There is so little good wisdom coming man to man that I understand why it is such a challenge for most men out there. This book is all about figuring out what is going on with you.

BB: Your book is clearly unlike anything else out there for guys, how did you develop the material for this book?

Wayne M Levine: A buddy of mine invited me to a men’s group open house. I went and I saw these men talking and interacting with each other in a way I had never seen before. It was the weirdest experience and I loved it. I found out this men’s weekend had an opening two weeks away so right there, that night, I said “I am going to do it.”

It was the first major decision I ever made without consulting with my wife. I was a good little boy. I learned a lot from the men’s weekend I did and from the men I was involved with for years afterwards.

I realized that I had an affinity for this work, a real passion for it. So, after years and years of creating men’s events, and figuring out what worked for me and what worked for the men in front of me, I realized I had something. This was the stuff.

I tried to deliver it in the book the way I deliver it to the men that I work with at the West Coast Men’s Center and the men that I work with over the phone when I coach them. Simple, straight, man to man.

BB: A lot of the how-to manuals and step-by-step guides out there feel like they are adding a level of complexity to a guy’s life. Your material seems to simplify a guy’s life. Was that one of your intentions, or was that just a side benefit of the program?

Wayne M Levine: It was absolutely an intention because we are very simple creatures. Food, sleep, sex, we’re good.

BB: That’s it, we’re good.

Wayne M Levine: But we’ve learned to become very complicated and that is where we have been feminized. Women are complicated, men are simple. We have, over the last several generations, grown to think and behave like women. That is why everything seems so complicated. The point is it should be simple.

Be the man you want to be, take care of your woman. She will get what she needs and you will get what you need. You don’t have to think like a woman, you just have to be a man that knows how to take care of his woman. It is very simple stuff.

BB: In your book you talk very specifically about men being afraid of their wives. I found that a very curious point to say the least. What did you mean by that?

Wayne M Levine: Well, they act afraid. I see a lot of men. They are terrified of their wives. They don’t think about it that way but they are acting that way.

What is really going on is they are afraid of losing themselves in these conversations and these arguments that they have with their women so they go to great extent to avoid the confrontation. Men avoid the discussion because they know what’s going to happen.

She can talk circles around you, whatever it is, and you become afraid. You become afraid of your own reactions.

Women hate that, they feel terrible about that. When you give a woman the power to make you feel that afraid, that is a dangerous place to be. Women don’t want that power. Men don’t want to feel emasculated.

It is really our responsibility to take that power back and you do that by learning the tools needed to be able to be an equal, but uniquely from a man’s perspective. I think a lot of the men will agree that at some level they are afraid of losing themselves and they are afraid of their women. They can change that.

BB: You also make reference to a few other emotions men are experiencing. You say a lot of men today are angry, sad or full of shame. From your experience, why are men feeling this way?

Wayne M Levine: Masculinity is not celebrated in our culture for sure. We’ve been the perpetrators for a long time now. Women are realizing that hey, we have some parity in the workplace, things are changing economically and socially, but our men are wimps.

They are saying “That’s not the man I want. I want a strong confident man. I want a man that is going to run the sex and romance in our lives. I want a man that is going to make me feel safe, take care of me even if I have a career, even if I am smart, I want a good strong man.”

Men feel like there is something wrong with them for being men because the messages we have gotten for so many years from parents, teachers, magazine articles, and the idiocy on television make us feel like there is something wrong with us for being men.

In so many different ways we are not free to be who we are, so we get angry, we get depressed, and then we start indulging our addictions. It’s an epidemic out there.

BB: When we first started we talked about the title of your book, Hold on to your N.U.T.s., can you tell us exactly what that acronym stands for?

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, that’s the full name and it stands for Nonnegotiable, Unalterable Terms.

( This is Part 2 of an interview with Wayne M. Levine, noted author of the book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men. To read Part 1 of this interview follow this link: Part 1:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s )

Wayne M Levine: Silence the Little Boy is the most important BetterMen Tool. That’s the guy who grew up feeling like he wasn’t fathered the way he needed to be, didn’t get what he wanted, is angry and upset and is stomping his feet through life. He expects her to read his mind, to do what he wants and he is not really taking responsibility for himself, his life, or his relationships.

You gotta silence the little boy inside before you can expect to become the man you want to be. The way you silence the little boy is to act like the man you want to be, and that is why it is so important to have your N.U.T.s. You need to have that road map. The more you act like the man you want to be the more you will become that man.

I recommend that over sitting in therapy and talking about the wounded inner child the rest of your life because a little insight goes a long way. It is good to know where this comes from but, men, we need to take action. When we don’t take action, nothing will change for us.

BB: Tool two, Express but Don’t Defend Your Feelings, to me, seems like one of the most powerful statements in the whole book. Can you explain what that looks like in practice?

Wayne M Levine: (the man) “Honey it really upsets me that you throw the newspaper out before I have had a chance to read it.”

(the woman) Well I thought you were done with it and I don’t know why you are yelling at me.

(the man) It really upsets me when you throw it out when I am not done reading it.

(the woman) W-Well what do you mean? I thought that…

OK, now you have just said something. It’s as clear as day. You have probably talked about it in the past. She knows you don’t want her to throw the paper out before you have had a chance to read it, but she wants to get it in the recycling bin for pickup that week.

There is nothing else to say. She doesn’t like the fact that you are upset with her and she is going to want to have a conversation so that she can feel that you are not upset with her anymore. However, if you keep talking, you are likely to dilute the message. That is like a pretty benign example…

Listen men, she needs to know how you feel. Women have been complaining about this for years. Men have not been telling women how they feel because they’re afraid about having discussions about their feelings. When you start talking about your feelings, women typically try and convince you out of how you feel because how you feel is making them feel uncomfortable.

BB: (Laughing)

Wayne M Levine: Did you follow all that?

BB: Yes.

Wayne M Levine: So men go back into their shells because they are not communicating how they feel. But men, you have to know, you gotta communicate it, open your mouth, let them know.

They may say “I don’t understand what you mean” but they do, they do. You gotta grab your balls and when something comes up you have to let her know.

Rather than having the discussion on her terms, have it on your terms. Just let her know how you feel. You don’t have to beat her up. You don’t make her wrong. You don’t make her feel terrible. You just tell her.

Now, the other part of this is that for some men it’s intolerable for their women to be upset with them and that’s one of the obstacles.

“How do I tell her that, then she is going to get mad and then we are going to have an argument, and then I won’t get laid for a month?”

Well, things begin to change when you are not afraid to say how you feel because you know you are not going to defend your feelings. You are just going to express them.

It’s a big topic, but hopefully some of that will resonate with the men.

BB: Run the Sex and Romance Departments, tool number four. I think I like that tool, but how can a guy Run the Sex and Romance Departments when his wife has the purse strings, so to speak.

Wayne M Levine: It is our job to romance our women. We are not waiting around for her to bring us flowers. We don’t care about that crap, but just because we don’t care about it, doesn’t mean they don’t care about it.

They really care about that stuff. Boy, when you go to the store and you find the right card, you get the perfect gift, you go home, she opens it and she thinks about all the time you spent thinking about getting this card or setting up that date for her. That makes her feel special. You have got to do that. If you do not do that you will not get laid, or at least you won’t have a happy participant.

So, you have to romance, and romance can mean a whole lot of things. It could be the traditional stuff or just the things that you know she likes to have done that makes her believe you really care about her.

When you romance her, she will give you the sign, and when she gives you the sign it is your job to do a bang-up job. You gotta take care of her, in a big way. There are things we talk about at the Men’s Weekend that I am a little reluctant to talk about here because I don’t know who is going to hear it, but there are ways that we talk to the men about sex and what women need that make sense to us.

BB: How do you help these guys out if they need more help than what is in the book?

Wayne M Levine: Well, I think they all need more help than the book. The book is a good place to start, but you need the men and one way to get the men in your life is to do a Men’s Weekend where you can develop some very strong relationships.

We are doing the BetterMen Weekend for men a couple of times a year in southern California, near Santa Barbara. Men have flown in from all over the country, from Canada and Australia to work with us. It’s a three day event, you get initiated into manhood, you learn tools, you learn about yourself, you have a lot of fun because we do a lot of stupid stuff that I think is important for us. The stuff that we do in our Men’s Weekend women would never do, that’s why it is a Men’s Weekend.

BB: (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: That is why I am a big fan of retreats that are just for men. There is a lot of transformational work where men and women share it together. Good stuff can come from it, but I am telling you men, the goal is being with the other men because you can learn how to be a great man with women, from other men. I think it is a better place to learn it than with a bunch of women. Women cannot teach you how to be the man you want to be. You can only get that from other men.

(This is Part 3 of an interview with Wayne M. Levine, noted author of the book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men.  To read Part 1 of this interview follow this link: Part 1:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s , to read Part 2, follow this link: Part 2:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s.)

BoingBook: I would like a little clarification on Tool 5, Being the Rock. For me, “Being the Rock” always meant not showing your emotions, keeping everything inside, not crying, going John Wayne style, but that does not sound like what you mean by Be the Rock.

Wayne M Levine: No, your woman needs to know that no matter what she says, what she does, what time of the month it is, what happened that day with her mother or her girlfriends, that when she tells you or when she acts out that you will be there for her, that you will not try to fix her, you will not run away to your study or the garage, you will not try to argue with her because it is so uncomfortable for you, you will just be there for her and when she is done you are unscathed. You are the same man she started talking to.

When you can be that strong man, when you can be the rock for her, in those moments, she will want to have sex with you.(laughing) How’s that?

BB: Alright. Hey, uh, sign me up, what was that? That was “Be the Rock.” What page is that in the book?

Wayne M Levine: That is what she needs from you. No matter how strong this woman is, no matter how much masculine energy she has, no matter how successful she might be in her own career, she is still a little girl inside and there are times when she needs a strong man to be there for her.

It is not easy doing that because you have to do your own work, men, to figure out why that is so difficult, but once you figure out how to do it, you will be amazed. That is when men start to regain that power to be the men they want to be in the relationship.

It is not about you calling the shots. It is not about you being in charge. It’s just you being comfortable in knowing your job and your role in that relationship and most men are just not clear about how that should work for them.

BB: Tool six Don’t Argue, that sounds like something that goes hand in hand with “Be the Rock,” but that seems very difficult to execute.

Wayne M Levine: Well, yeah, its tough but you just have to stop it. You know what we say? If in doubt, shut the F up.

BB: Now see that’s a simple rule I can remember.

Wayne M Levine: You probably won’t go wrong if you shut up. Now you can’t do that all the time, but if you are not sure, shut up, wait, don’t argue.

If you want to have a discussion, you can let her know. “I’m happy to talk to you about this, but I am not going to argue about it.” It takes time to get there, I know.

It’s very difficult for some men to imagine that their relationship can change but I am telling you I have seen relationships on the brink of divorce turn around.

When you see the senselessness of arguing with your woman you start to realize you do not need to argue with anybody, because when you know what your N.U.T.s are, there is no need to argue.

Once you realize that you don’t need to argue you realize that’s just a good rule to take with you everywhere you go.

BB: You know for myself, I find that when she starts into her problems, I want to dive in and fix it, but it sounds like from what you are saying, I should just shut up and listen.

Wayne M Levine: They don’t want you to fix their problems. What can I tell you? Everyone knows this, it’s in every book.

BB: Where have I been?

Wayne M Levine: You can’t fix the problems, just listen. I have been married 24 years, every now and then my wife will ask me about how to handle something (laughing) and I will say to her “Do you really want my advice… on this” and she will say “Nnnoooo.”

BB: (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: “OK, good.”

BB: Fair enough, moving on.

Wayne M Levine: No matter how much I soften it, the way I would handle that problem doesn’t even come close to how she would handle it. Don’t fix it. Not your job. Support her. Encourage her to get more help. Encourage her to figure out the solution. Don’t try to give it to her because you will just get disappointed, resentful, and then you are in a mess. Knock it off.

Something that is occurring to me as I hear my own voice is that this is the energy; this is the voice of a man talking to another man. This is not a therapist talking to a man.

There are definitely some good therapists out there who have a sense of their own masculinity and can deliver that to men, but by in large you will not get this therapy because they are not really there to tell you what to do, I am going to tell you what to do.

Listen, the work that we do is about fathering, so sometimes Dad needs to tell you what to do, he needs to tell you how he feels, and tell you what’s expected of you as a man, OK? Sometimes it is asking questions and letting you find your own way, but we do not need therapy all the time. We need some guidance, we need some wisdom. We need to get some of the information that our dads didn’t have for us because they didn’t get it or they didn’t know how to deliver it, or they had their own issues going on with Mom that they were not around.

It is not about you being the man I want you to be. You develop your own N.U.T.s.

Use these tools and be that man and I will support you. Now if I don’t like who you are, I am not going to want you in my life, then you have to decide whether that’s the man you want to be. Right?

I am not telling you the kind of man to be, but I am going to give you my honest feedback about how I feel about being with you and how your actions are impacting me. I owe it to you, because you are not going to get that truth everywhere and that is what we teach the men to do for each other.

Tell the truth. If that guy’s an asshole, then it is good for the him to hear that, because if a man in the group is telling him that you can bet the people in the outside world are thinking it, and it is good information to have, then he can decide what to do with it.

BB: So for the guy out there that has been with us for the last several minutes reading this, what’s the motivation to move for the average guy out there?

Wayne M Levine: Well, first of all, if you are reading this you are probably not the average guy because most men are too afraid to even look into this stuff.

BB: We just get a better crop of guys, that’s all there is to it. (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: (laughing) Certainly there is something in this work that is resonating with the reader that is still reading. So, if you have not read enough to buy the book now, don’t buy the book. If you are still listening, you are already in, man. Just buy the book and keep going.

BB: Just one more question. How can a guy get in contact with you for mentoring or for one of your BetterMen’s Weekends? How do they take it to the next level once they are done with the book?

Wayne M Levine: Go to BetterMen.org. or you can email me at Wayne@BetterMen.org and I will respond. I work with men individually under the name Mentor4Men, I talk to men weekly when we get started and help them integrate what’s in the book into their life.

We have the BetterMen Retreats that we do it a couple of times a year. The next one for us is actually coming up March 6^th through March 9^th, 2008. You can get information about that on the website as well.

BB: And where is that event in March going to be?

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, March 6^th through the 9^th, just outside Santa Barbara and I am telling you if you have never done anything like this before you are going to have the time of your life and if you have done work before, this weekend will be different.

I just want to say to the men that are reading this, I honor you for having the balls to try to be a better man. Don’t quit.

BB: Thank you Wayne for taking the time to give us a little bit of insight into your book and into this new way of thinking. It is not traditional and not like anything else that we at BoingBook have ever heard as it relates to men.

I really appreciate you taking the time today, thank you very much for being with us.

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, thank you.

This is a stupid thing really, but I had to put it to electronic paper. If this saves you from one argument or the slightest bit of irritation with a female in your life it will be worth it the effort.

As a man, I hate hints. If you want me to do something, just ask me, and I will return the favor when I want something done.

I have discovered most women do not think that way, or something gets lost in translation from their brains to their lips. The majority of the women in my life over the years, when they want me to do something, say “can you” or “could you” as in:

“Can you get the groceries out of the car?” or “Could you pick up dinner on the way home?”

The first answer that always pops in my head is “Yes, I can do that” but that is not what she wants to hear. She wants to hear “Yes, I will do that.”

I have always been just slightly irritated by hearing the question phrased that way, almost like I was being asked if I was competent enough to get the groceries out of the car or if I was capable of remembering to pick up dinner on the way home.

It really is a stupid little thing in the grand scheme so I have always just let it go. Not too terribly long ago I got another one of those questions and I noticed that I felt just a little bit angry over what was a very simple, benign question.

I covered my anger because I thought it was an irrational response to the question “Could you take the trash out?” What could I possibly be getting angry about? It was not like I was doing some great work that needed my full attention. So, I thought about it.

I discovered I was feeling mad because of the way she asked the question. I felt like I was being manipulated into doing something I did not want to do. By saying “yes, I could do it” I was silently being committed to completing the task I had not agreed to do.

I would like the question asked the same way I would ask it. “Will you take out the trash?” or “Would you get the groceries out of the car?” That is a direct question that I can give a direct answer to, and that is the way I like it.

Sounds simple to the point of being stupid, but I find myself more motivated or at least not irritated to do something for my wife when the words Can and Could are replaced with the words Will and Would.

Changing those two little words in how she asks me to do things eliminates the feeling of manipulation and thus makes me more inclined to get off my backside and help out.

If this makes sense to you share it with the women in your life, if I am the lone idiot screaming in the dark on this one, let me know and I will promptly seek therapy and some serious medication.

 Image provided by deansclass.com

A few weekends ago I found myself playing host to my best friend and some of his clients while they were in town wrapping up a healthy business deal.

We were in and out of several bars that night down on 6^th Street, the last of which looked like a late 80’s metal band bar complete with leather and big hair all over the place with a nice compliment of the suit and martini crowd mixed in that night. The band was incredibly loud, overwhelming your senses just a few steps inside the door making any real conversation pointless.

Two of the clients, Dean and his buddy John, discovered two things they liked about this particular bar, the pool table and an absolutely beautiful woman sitting at a table with her friends on the opposite side of the large oval bar situated right in the middle of the room. Every guy in the place noticed the woman I will call Red Dress. A quick scouting report revealed no sign of a boyfriend or significant other; it just looked like a girl’s night out.

Rule 1: Do a scouting report to assess your target and be observant. Look for rings, (class, engagement, wedding, etc.) tattoos, earrings, purse, keys, photographs, anything that might help  give you something to talk about when you approach her.

Dean took a seat at the bar with John, glancing at her and beginning to set their strategy to talk to her while the rest of us picked out cue sticks. Red Dress caught Dean looking a time or two without any real response one way or the other. For his part, Dean acted like a shy teenage boy, looking away when she looked at him.

Rule 2: Staring to let her know you are interested works. If you happen to lock eyes on each other, do not look away (unless she has a 300lb. boyfriend standing beside her ready to pound you into the ground.) Hold her gaze to express your interest and wave or smile to break the stare if the gaze begins to last freakishly long.

Three women sat at the table, one drinking a margarita, one drinking something big, blue and frozen, and Red Dress, drinking something that looked like a Jack & Coke.

Dean was clearly nervous at the thought of talking to a woman as beautiful as Red Dress, taking some long slow pulls off of his beer trying to find his courage. To encourage Dean I took up a position on the barstool next to him, after all I was the entertainment director and Red Dress certainly qualified as entertainment.

To do my part I ordered up three tequila shots telling Dean that Courage could best be found in the bottom of a shot glass. One round of shots later Dean finally decided to go talk to her, after a slight detour to the bathroom.

Rule 3: Seize the moment. When you see an opportunity, be prepared to act.

Dean came back to his seat after ten minutes in the bathroom trying to get the bartenders attention for another five minutes. Red Dress caught Dean’s glance and she kind of smiled, but, hell, it could have been a burp from where I was sitting. Dean just sat there waiting for the bartender.

Wingman John officially reverted back to his adolescence cupping his hands in front of his chest to show us what part of her anatomy he liked best. Red Dress looked at Dean again and definitely smiled this time, fortunately she did not see John’s assessment of her assets. It was my turn to shoot, we were solids, and I missed.

The bartender finally got to us and after a brief conversation at high volume; Dean discovered Red Dress was drinking top shelf rum and Coke, and ordered two of them, one for delivery. Draining another tequila shot, Dean picked up his newly acquired rum and Coke and began taking the long way around the bar, coming up behind Red Dress.

Rule 4: It is almost never good to sneak up on a woman you do not know from behind as you can scare her, startle her, or engage her defenses before you get one word out.

At the end of the bar Dean tripped and clearly freaked out a little bit, trying to recover by sliding up the bar to order another drink. She did not see it, but the look on his face was priceless.

Rule 5: Do not buy drinks for women you have not met to preface an introduction. You are marketing yourself with a free introductory offer like a cell phone contract or magazine subscription. Quit it. Bring value in who you are, how you carry yourself and what you say and she just might buy you a drink to get you to stay.

Now, I am off the stool, moving closer to Dean. Dean slammed the remainder of his drink when the next one arrived. Wingman John was back on his stool mouthing the words "go for it, dude" overtly pointing at Red Dress like a freshman at a wet t-shirt contest.

The waitress arrived with the drink telling Red Dress it was from Dean. Red Dress looked for Dean, but all she saw across the bar was Wingman John mouthing words and pointing, trying to motivate his friend. Wingman John was hilarious but clearly not helping. Red Dress went back to talking to her friends.

Confidence on high shine, Dean walked over to her table just as blessed silence overtook the room with the band going on break. Much better.

Rule 6: It can take a lot of confidence to approach a table full of women. Confidence in check, engage them immediately with a neutral question or helpful piece of information that gets you closer to your desired result.

Rule 6a: If you want to date a “10” you should at least have the courage to go talk to a “10” when the opportunity presents itself, otherwise stick with your “5’s” and stop your b*tching.

About five feet from her table another guy, I will call him Mr. Blocker, slid right up to the women’s table, cutting Dean off. Dean’s drink has not been on the table ten seconds.

Dean was in no mans land two steps behind Mr. Blocker. By this point, Mr. Blocker already had the attention of all three women. Their body language suggested they did not know Mr. Blocker but he clearly had them all engaged in conversation. From where Dean was standing, he could not get their attention with a big red nose and clown shoes.

Dean took a step like he was going to try to talk to Red Dress anyway, but as he did, a guy walking to the bar bumped into Dean, spilling his rum and Coke. Dean turned his attention away from the table to sort out the situation with this guy who is apologizing and pointing to the bar offering to buy him a new drink.

Rule 7: Know when to cut bait. There are more women out there. Approximately 5000 young women turn 18 every day in this country.

Oddly, this guy had no problem getting the bartenders attention and Dean has a new drink in seconds, meanwhile the drink Dean had delivered sat as of yet untouched on the table.

Dean wrapped it up with the guy that bought him the drink and turned around just in time to see Red Dress and friends walk off with Mr. Blocker. Dean looked anything but entertained. As I walked up, about to say something to Dean, Mr. Blocker stops just ahead of us, turns back to the table, grabs Dean’s untouched drink, slams it, nods and winks at Dean, and returns to the group of ladies.

Dean, stunned, offhandedly thanked the guy that bought him the new drink.

“That sucked.  Did you see that guy?” Dean said. “At least I got a new drink out of the deal. Damn, she looked good.”

Dean was still upset as he finished telling the story to the other guys at the pool table even though they were all laughing. Polishing off his drink, Dean suggested we all get a late dinner somewhere and the second the band fired back up, we all agreed.

Rule 9: Never act as if the woman you are after is the only beautiful woman on the planet as it can come across as a sign of desperation and will make her feel just as comfortable with you as she would feel wearing sandpaper panties. You both rub her the wrong way.

Dean did not see this, but as we were heading for the door I saw Red Dress sitting at a bigger table with her friends, Mr. Blocker, and one other guy. I did a double take laughing out loud when I saw the other guy at the table. It was the guy that just bought Dean the new drink. He was Mr. Blocker’s wingman.

“That guy (Mr. Blocker) was amazing. In two minutes he blocked me, drank my drink and walked off with (Red Dress) and her friends all without a wingman, while John over there was helping me out by swinging his arms around like he was waving in airplanes at the other end of the bar. I know I sucked, but what was up with that?” Dean said laughing, looking at John.

“He was a little quicker and he had a great wingman.” I said.

“You were standing right beside me, there was no wingman.” Dean said.

“That’s what makes him great.” I said. “No offense Dean, but I don’t think you recognize a great wingman if he walked up and bought you a drink.”

At that we were all laughing, again.

Rule 10: Never underestimate the value of a good wingman.

Bonus Rule: Try to avoid spending several hours talking to one woman you just met at a club, bar, or party. Spend five or ten minutes piquing her interest and break it off asking for an email address or phone number. Rinse and repeat this cycle a couple of time in a given night and contact them over the next several days. Except on rare occasions, if you spend all of your time with one woman you are at risk of getting blown off at the end of the night with nothing to show for your efforts.

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