Men's Guide to Women

More than once over the course of my life I have had a female acquaintance toss out her opinion on the subject of “pornography.”

“Looking at dirty magazines is disgusting.”

“If I discovered my boyfriend had a porn collection that would be the end of that relationship.”

“It is so gross that men look at that stuff.”

“We are married. The only thing he should be looking at naked is me.”

Hearing these comments over the years has always grated on me a little bit, but I have historically let these kinds of comments go just because it never seemed worth it to wade into a conversation about pornography with women in general.

A while back I found a large overstuffed brown chair to sit in at a local bookstore while I perused the contents of my selections. It was the middle of the afternoon, so the bookstore was almost empty and exceptionally quiet.

As I am reading, I hear some faint giggles in the distance. I let it go, barely acknowledging I heard it.

After a few more rounds of hearing the collective giggling, I am curious and begin to look around to see what is so funny. Finally I see three young girls, somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 years old, all tucked in a corner of the art section looking at what looks to be a standard paperback book.

Twenty minutes later I am up and headed to the checkout line. As I breeze past the art section I remember the giggly girls and glance to see they are still there. They were gone, but the book they were looking at was on the table near where they were sitting. Still curious as to what was so funny, I take a brief detour to check out the title of the book. It was a romance novel.

Who gets all giggly over a romance novel? I guess young girls can laugh at anything I thought to myself. Looking back at the book I noticed they had bent the hell out of the spine of the book, so much so it was very easy to figure out what they were reading simply by picking the book up and letting it flop open.

What I read surprised me. Three pages of very descriptive sex, short on dialog and long on penetrating details that I would not want my fifteen year old girl reading, assuming I had a fifteen year old girl to begin with.

That evening my wife had three of her girlfriends over for dinner to plan some sort of function that I had nothing to do with. I joined them after wrangling the children upstairs to the game room and later getting them off to bed.

Work had apparently degraded into random chatter by the time I got back to the group because the project was no longer the topic of discussion.

Never one to go timidly into a conversation I threw out my best thought provoking question based on the days events shortly after sitting down and taking a sip of my drink.

“Why are women allowed to consume large quantities of what I will call porn in the form of romance novels with little or no outcry from people in general but a man reading/looking at a magazine with naked women in it is deemed disgusting, gross, or just simply termed a dirty old man? Why the double standard?”

The room got so quiet I could hear myself drink. Everyone sat looking at me and looking around in silence. I did not look directly at my wife, but I was sure what expression she would have on her face.

For that matter, I did not have to look. I could tell by the new buzzing sound in the room that she had just flipped on her eyeball lasers and was making preparations to blast me out of my chair as soon as I dare look at her.

To fill the silence I quickly relayed the story of the events I had seen at the book store to lay the apparently necessary ground work for my question, clear up any misconceptions about me being a dirty old man, and let the silence hang again.

Finally one of the women, Paige, spoke.

“Romance novels are not pornography. They are romance stories, but romance does include sex sometimes. I think it is grossly unfair of you to classify a whole category of books as pornography based on three pages of reading.” Paige said.

“Fair enough.” I said. “So your contention is that I am not even well read enough to be able to have a relevant opinion on the subject. Okay.”

“They call those books ‘bodice rippers.’ “Darlene replied. “It is a bit small minded I think to compare dirty magazines with romance novels.”

“Admittedly, I have never read a single chapter from one of these books, but based on the few pages I did read, that was porn. No matter how you flower it up with fancy words, talking about putting Body Part A into Body Part B and describing the action, blow by blow, (pardon the pun) that’s porn.” I said.

“Not all romance novels are written that way. It is not fair to characterize them all as being porn.” Darlene retorted.

I was honestly surprised at the response I was getting. My wife had the least to say, at least in actual words anyway.

“Well since it seems I have squarely put my foot in it, tell me this. Why is a picture of a naked woman considered porn when a story with a graphic description of having sex with one or multiple men/women not?”

“Those women are being exploited or are exploiting themselves and the few pictures I have seen were gross unflattering positions. They just focus on body parts.” Em responded.

“So, you don’t think the pictures are attractive and you are repulsed by the potential exploitation, so that combined with close ups of body’s parts equates porn?” I tried to clarify. “Why is it OK for Wal-mart to sell fresh romance-porn every third Thursday of the month (when most of the new romance books come out) but not sell Playboy?”

“Why is a picture of a set of boobs more offending than reading about Jack piercing her mound with his pulsating, throbbing member, thrusting in a glaze of her love juices with her skirt pulled up exposing her naked ass any different?”

“OK maybe I went a bit too far with that last one, I apologize for my directness, but I think the looks on your faces make my case. You are all blushing. Your mouths are saying it’s not porn, but your ears just confirmed upon hearing it that it was. You would not be flushed and embarrassed by mere romance talk would you? Well, everyone except my wife, whose face is red because I have hijacked this intimate gathering and maybe irked her a bit. Before she asks me to leave, does anyone have a good answer for this?” I asked.

“Women read romance novels for the love stories and the plot twists. The stories carry the book not the sex. The sex is just a natural part of the romantic progression. The proof would be that women start at page one and complete the book, not skipping to the fifteen or so pages of sex in the book just to get off.” Diane said.

“So you are telling me that descriptions of explicit sex are not porn because they are scenes set in a larger love story? Is that what I am being told?” I asked. “In these magazines that are dubbed porn the pictures are set between articles on cars, clothing trends and interviews with interesting actors, politicians, or business people. Why is that different?”

“That is not a fair comparison.” Darlene replied. The “articles” are not the same as a single beginning to end story about a couple that happens to have sex in it.”

“OK. One more bit for your perusal” I said. I went to the Harlequin book website and looked up their submission guidelines for some of their various titles of books. Here is a copy of the Harlequin Spice book submission guidelines.” I unfolded the piece of paper in my pocket and lay it on the table in center of the group.

Reprinted here from http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=1263&chapter=0

Writing Guidelines
SPICE

Word Length: 90,000 –150,000 words
Format: Trade paperback
Editor: XXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXX
Editorial Office: Toronto

Modern women have finally begun embracing and taking charge of their own sexuality. Everywhere you turn; the media is celebrating and promoting women and sex: on TV, in Hollywood, in every magazine on the rack. SPICE is Harlequin’s new single-title imprint for really good, really smart erotic fiction for the modern woman who also wants a great read.

We are looking to acquire bold, pushing-the-envelope, high-quality editorial from top authors and talented new voices that have the ability to deliver believable, high-wattage sexual content set within the context of contemporary mainstream fiction. We want novels that will take the genre above and beyond today’s stereotypical erotica stories.

What will set SPICE apart is its broad spectrum of sexy editorial. Stories in this line will range from highly sensual love stories to more contemplative, humorous tales to gritty, slice-of-life experiences of sex and the modern woman. Our diverse editorial direction will include ethnic, literary (humorous, edgy, urban), mystery/suspense and paranormal genres in first or third person point-of-view (female only), or if it works for the story, multiple points of view.

SPICE is…

1. A great plot, an engrossing story with several explicitly sexual scenes that have context within the story.
2. A unique take on modern women, their lives, their relationships and whatever turns them on.
3. Sophisticated, urban, contemporary, realistic, relevant.
4. Graphic, using the kind of frank language typical of the genre.
5. Daring—feel free to explore any and all sexual situations, even ones considered “taboo.”
6. Not a string of unconnected, gratuitous sex scenes.
7. Not a big traditional romance with lots of sex.
8. Not full of euphemisms for body parts or lovemaking.

While actual SPICE titles will not be available until its launch in February 2006, prospective authors can familiarize themselves with some competitive titles, such as: Wifey by Judy Blume, 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed by Melissa P., Story of O by Pauline Reage, The Sexual Life of Catherine M. by Catherine Millet, Addicted by Zane, The Other Woman by Eric Jerome Dickey, Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell; and authors such as Jaid Black, Emma Holly, Alison Tyler, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Toni Bentley.

Please submit partial or full manuscripts accompanied by a synopsis. No emailed submissions, please. Agented submissions are preferred, but not essential.

Send your submission to:

SPICE

“This reads heavy erotic sex to me. Why aren’t these novels wrapped in tinted plastic and put behind the counter where women would be forced to ask for them and declare proudly that they do indeed want to read porn?” I asked.

No real answer. I could tell the crowd was starting to turn against me and at least one or two were desperately wishing I would shut up and get off the uncomfortable topic. My wife was a little more direct.

“Honey, we really do have some things we need to take care of, can you let us get back to it?” she said.

“Have a good night ladies.” I said, excusing myself.

At the end of the day, I like knowing that females have their own backroom porn collections out there.

I like it that millions of women are out there standing on a razor thin line saying romance novels are not porn because they are wound together with a good story.

Based on the sales of these books and the numbers of women in the adult industries, from being photographed for magazines to more hard core options, it seems that many of the very readers of female porn are the very people making male porn for audiences to consume.

I like it that stacks of females out there posing for nudie pics don’t consider what they do porn, but consider it a form of art instead.

Whatever it takes to make your world go round, I guess.

Men, society tells us we are pond scum dirt bags because we like to look at the form of a naked woman in print or film, yet they keep packaging it up and selling it, and women all over the world will call you all sorts of nice things while they smile and take your money. Women are considered connoisseurs of low brow literature for their consumption of romance novels which they do indeed keep packaging and selling to the tune of $1,000,000,000 a year in new romance paperbacks.

It is somehow more degrading to see pictures of a naked woman than to read about one taking on two lovers at a time or getting sordid second by second details of an encounter in a romance novel. One is disgusting the other is an act of romantic fantasy.

All this has taught me is that men like their sexual charge to come in the form of a shot glass. Concentrated, direct, and quick and repeated as often as necessary to achieve the end goal. Women prefer their sexual charge in big frozen fruity drink. A slow chill in a glass that turns into a warm burn on the inside when given enough time to work.

On another note, going back and reading a few more chapters of these books I get a very clear understanding of what the idealized image of a man is to a woman and a better understanding of why some women will never find what they are looking for.

I have been told that nearly half of all the paperbacks sold are romance novels. I did not verify that, so take it for what it is worth, but that is a lot of potential soft core porn out there.

Men read Playboy for the articles. I know. I know.

Women read romance novels for the love and romance and the six pages describing the dress he is slowly pealing her out of. I know. I know.

I think it is more about the pictures and porn than either side will care to admit, and I am good with that.

Photograph courtesy of  http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1022/1134218160_ef03958134.jpg?v=0

BoingBook: I am here with author Wayne M Levine. He is the director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, California and founder of BetterMen.org. He has put together a tremendous book called Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men.

We have tracked him down and he has graciously agreed to do an interview for us, to help you get a better feel for what his information is all about.

How are you doing today Wayne?

Wayne M Levine: Terrific, and if it is about helping men to be better men, fathers, husbands and leaders, I am all in.

BB: Excellent. That is exactly what we are here for.

Wayne, we deal with men and the challenges they face in their relationships every single day. There are millions of men out there having problems dealing with the women in their lives. Can you tell me how your book can help those guys?

Wayne M Levine: Look, most men are not comfortable in their own skin as men. They have not been initiated into manhood, they do not have close relationships with other men, and they haven’t had healthy role models. So we are boys, we grow up, we develop bad habits and all of the sudden we find ourselves in long term committed relationships and it’s suddenly a minefield, but it doesn’t have to be.

The purpose of the book is to make it very simple for men to understand that there are some things they have to do to be clear about who they are as men.

There are some tools that are very simple that men need to use to honor who they are as men in their relationships, so the result is you become a better man and you become a better man in your relationships.

BB: Wow that is pretty powerful. Well I think we will just stop the interview right there.

Wayne M Levine: ...but you do have to read the book, and you do have to commit to it, and you gotta take action and that’s what separates the boys from the men. The men are going to do something about it, the boys are just going to whine and complain about it.

I make it simple but make no mistake becoming a better man takes work so you have to be in it, you have to be all in.

BB: I would say the most common questions we get are from guys wanting to know how to talk to women or relate to them in some way. How can your book help a guy learn how to talk to women?

Wayne M Levine: The problems that men have are around listening, really. It is a listening issue and there is a reason why it is difficult for men to listen to their women. Men get into arguments all too often or run away and hide because they can’t take her bitching and complaining or whatever it is they think they are hearing.

When you slow down and start paying attention to the things that are going on in your head just before you argue and start paying attention to what is making it so difficult for you to be there and listen to her you will to see things differently in your relationship.

Most men hear their mommies yelling at them and that is why they can’t listen to their wives, you can read all the psych books you want to find out the details but the truth is that’s the way we are.

Our first model of a woman is our mom, and our first model of a relationship is our parents. We grow up with that and we have to decide for ourselves “Is that what I want my relationships to look like?” “Is that the man I want to be?”

The advice that men have been getting over the years about how to relate to women has been such crap that men are confused. There is so little good wisdom coming man to man that I understand why it is such a challenge for most men out there. This book is all about figuring out what is going on with you.

BB: Your book is clearly unlike anything else out there for guys, how did you develop the material for this book?

Wayne M Levine: A buddy of mine invited me to a men’s group open house. I went and I saw these men talking and interacting with each other in a way I had never seen before. It was the weirdest experience and I loved it. I found out this men’s weekend had an opening two weeks away so right there, that night, I said “I am going to do it.”

It was the first major decision I ever made without consulting with my wife. I was a good little boy. I learned a lot from the men’s weekend I did and from the men I was involved with for years afterwards.

I realized that I had an affinity for this work, a real passion for it. So, after years and years of creating men’s events, and figuring out what worked for me and what worked for the men in front of me, I realized I had something. This was the stuff.

I tried to deliver it in the book the way I deliver it to the men that I work with at the West Coast Men’s Center and the men that I work with over the phone when I coach them. Simple, straight, man to man.

BB: A lot of the how-to manuals and step-by-step guides out there feel like they are adding a level of complexity to a guy’s life. Your material seems to simplify a guy’s life. Was that one of your intentions, or was that just a side benefit of the program?

Wayne M Levine: It was absolutely an intention because we are very simple creatures. Food, sleep, sex, we’re good.

BB: That’s it, we’re good.

Wayne M Levine: But we’ve learned to become very complicated and that is where we have been feminized. Women are complicated, men are simple. We have, over the last several generations, grown to think and behave like women. That is why everything seems so complicated. The point is it should be simple.

Be the man you want to be, take care of your woman. She will get what she needs and you will get what you need. You don’t have to think like a woman, you just have to be a man that knows how to take care of his woman. It is very simple stuff.

BB: In your book you talk very specifically about men being afraid of their wives. I found that a very curious point to say the least. What did you mean by that?

Wayne M Levine: Well, they act afraid. I see a lot of men. They are terrified of their wives. They don’t think about it that way but they are acting that way.

What is really going on is they are afraid of losing themselves in these conversations and these arguments that they have with their women so they go to great extent to avoid the confrontation. Men avoid the discussion because they know what’s going to happen.

She can talk circles around you, whatever it is, and you become afraid. You become afraid of your own reactions.

Women hate that, they feel terrible about that. When you give a woman the power to make you feel that afraid, that is a dangerous place to be. Women don’t want that power. Men don’t want to feel emasculated.

It is really our responsibility to take that power back and you do that by learning the tools needed to be able to be an equal, but uniquely from a man’s perspective. I think a lot of the men will agree that at some level they are afraid of losing themselves and they are afraid of their women. They can change that.

BB: You also make reference to a few other emotions men are experiencing. You say a lot of men today are angry, sad or full of shame. From your experience, why are men feeling this way?

Wayne M Levine: Masculinity is not celebrated in our culture for sure. We’ve been the perpetrators for a long time now. Women are realizing that hey, we have some parity in the workplace, things are changing economically and socially, but our men are wimps.

They are saying “That’s not the man I want. I want a strong confident man. I want a man that is going to run the sex and romance in our lives. I want a man that is going to make me feel safe, take care of me even if I have a career, even if I am smart, I want a good strong man.”

Men feel like there is something wrong with them for being men because the messages we have gotten for so many years from parents, teachers, magazine articles, and the idiocy on television make us feel like there is something wrong with us for being men.

In so many different ways we are not free to be who we are, so we get angry, we get depressed, and then we start indulging our addictions. It’s an epidemic out there.

BB: When we first started we talked about the title of your book, Hold on to your N.U.T.s., can you tell us exactly what that acronym stands for?

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, that’s the full name and it stands for Nonnegotiable, Unalterable Terms.

( This is Part 2 of an interview with Wayne M. Levine, noted author of the book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men. To read Part 1 of this interview follow this link: Part 1:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s )

Wayne M Levine: Silence the Little Boy is the most important BetterMen Tool. That’s the guy who grew up feeling like he wasn’t fathered the way he needed to be, didn’t get what he wanted, is angry and upset and is stomping his feet through life. He expects her to read his mind, to do what he wants and he is not really taking responsibility for himself, his life, or his relationships.

You gotta silence the little boy inside before you can expect to become the man you want to be. The way you silence the little boy is to act like the man you want to be, and that is why it is so important to have your N.U.T.s. You need to have that road map. The more you act like the man you want to be the more you will become that man.

I recommend that over sitting in therapy and talking about the wounded inner child the rest of your life because a little insight goes a long way. It is good to know where this comes from but, men, we need to take action. When we don’t take action, nothing will change for us.

BB: Tool two, Express but Don’t Defend Your Feelings, to me, seems like one of the most powerful statements in the whole book. Can you explain what that looks like in practice?

Wayne M Levine: (the man) “Honey it really upsets me that you throw the newspaper out before I have had a chance to read it.”

(the woman) Well I thought you were done with it and I don’t know why you are yelling at me.

(the man) It really upsets me when you throw it out when I am not done reading it.

(the woman) W-Well what do you mean? I thought that…

OK, now you have just said something. It’s as clear as day. You have probably talked about it in the past. She knows you don’t want her to throw the paper out before you have had a chance to read it, but she wants to get it in the recycling bin for pickup that week.

There is nothing else to say. She doesn’t like the fact that you are upset with her and she is going to want to have a conversation so that she can feel that you are not upset with her anymore. However, if you keep talking, you are likely to dilute the message. That is like a pretty benign example…

Listen men, she needs to know how you feel. Women have been complaining about this for years. Men have not been telling women how they feel because they’re afraid about having discussions about their feelings. When you start talking about your feelings, women typically try and convince you out of how you feel because how you feel is making them feel uncomfortable.

BB: (Laughing)

Wayne M Levine: Did you follow all that?

BB: Yes.

Wayne M Levine: So men go back into their shells because they are not communicating how they feel. But men, you have to know, you gotta communicate it, open your mouth, let them know.

They may say “I don’t understand what you mean” but they do, they do. You gotta grab your balls and when something comes up you have to let her know.

Rather than having the discussion on her terms, have it on your terms. Just let her know how you feel. You don’t have to beat her up. You don’t make her wrong. You don’t make her feel terrible. You just tell her.

Now, the other part of this is that for some men it’s intolerable for their women to be upset with them and that’s one of the obstacles.

“How do I tell her that, then she is going to get mad and then we are going to have an argument, and then I won’t get laid for a month?”

Well, things begin to change when you are not afraid to say how you feel because you know you are not going to defend your feelings. You are just going to express them.

It’s a big topic, but hopefully some of that will resonate with the men.

BB: Run the Sex and Romance Departments, tool number four. I think I like that tool, but how can a guy Run the Sex and Romance Departments when his wife has the purse strings, so to speak.

Wayne M Levine: It is our job to romance our women. We are not waiting around for her to bring us flowers. We don’t care about that crap, but just because we don’t care about it, doesn’t mean they don’t care about it.

They really care about that stuff. Boy, when you go to the store and you find the right card, you get the perfect gift, you go home, she opens it and she thinks about all the time you spent thinking about getting this card or setting up that date for her. That makes her feel special. You have got to do that. If you do not do that you will not get laid, or at least you won’t have a happy participant.

So, you have to romance, and romance can mean a whole lot of things. It could be the traditional stuff or just the things that you know she likes to have done that makes her believe you really care about her.

When you romance her, she will give you the sign, and when she gives you the sign it is your job to do a bang-up job. You gotta take care of her, in a big way. There are things we talk about at the Men’s Weekend that I am a little reluctant to talk about here because I don’t know who is going to hear it, but there are ways that we talk to the men about sex and what women need that make sense to us.

BB: How do you help these guys out if they need more help than what is in the book?

Wayne M Levine: Well, I think they all need more help than the book. The book is a good place to start, but you need the men and one way to get the men in your life is to do a Men’s Weekend where you can develop some very strong relationships.

We are doing the BetterMen Weekend for men a couple of times a year in southern California, near Santa Barbara. Men have flown in from all over the country, from Canada and Australia to work with us. It’s a three day event, you get initiated into manhood, you learn tools, you learn about yourself, you have a lot of fun because we do a lot of stupid stuff that I think is important for us. The stuff that we do in our Men’s Weekend women would never do, that’s why it is a Men’s Weekend.

BB: (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: That is why I am a big fan of retreats that are just for men. There is a lot of transformational work where men and women share it together. Good stuff can come from it, but I am telling you men, the goal is being with the other men because you can learn how to be a great man with women, from other men. I think it is a better place to learn it than with a bunch of women. Women cannot teach you how to be the man you want to be. You can only get that from other men.

(This is Part 3 of an interview with Wayne M. Levine, noted author of the book Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men.  To read Part 1 of this interview follow this link: Part 1:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s , to read Part 2, follow this link: Part 2:Hold on to Your N.U.T.s.)

BoingBook: I would like a little clarification on Tool 5, Being the Rock. For me, “Being the Rock” always meant not showing your emotions, keeping everything inside, not crying, going John Wayne style, but that does not sound like what you mean by Be the Rock.

Wayne M Levine: No, your woman needs to know that no matter what she says, what she does, what time of the month it is, what happened that day with her mother or her girlfriends, that when she tells you or when she acts out that you will be there for her, that you will not try to fix her, you will not run away to your study or the garage, you will not try to argue with her because it is so uncomfortable for you, you will just be there for her and when she is done you are unscathed. You are the same man she started talking to.

When you can be that strong man, when you can be the rock for her, in those moments, she will want to have sex with you.(laughing) How’s that?

BB: Alright. Hey, uh, sign me up, what was that? That was “Be the Rock.” What page is that in the book?

Wayne M Levine: That is what she needs from you. No matter how strong this woman is, no matter how much masculine energy she has, no matter how successful she might be in her own career, she is still a little girl inside and there are times when she needs a strong man to be there for her.

It is not easy doing that because you have to do your own work, men, to figure out why that is so difficult, but once you figure out how to do it, you will be amazed. That is when men start to regain that power to be the men they want to be in the relationship.

It is not about you calling the shots. It is not about you being in charge. It’s just you being comfortable in knowing your job and your role in that relationship and most men are just not clear about how that should work for them.

BB: Tool six Don’t Argue, that sounds like something that goes hand in hand with “Be the Rock,” but that seems very difficult to execute.

Wayne M Levine: Well, yeah, its tough but you just have to stop it. You know what we say? If in doubt, shut the F up.

BB: Now see that’s a simple rule I can remember.

Wayne M Levine: You probably won’t go wrong if you shut up. Now you can’t do that all the time, but if you are not sure, shut up, wait, don’t argue.

If you want to have a discussion, you can let her know. “I’m happy to talk to you about this, but I am not going to argue about it.” It takes time to get there, I know.

It’s very difficult for some men to imagine that their relationship can change but I am telling you I have seen relationships on the brink of divorce turn around.

When you see the senselessness of arguing with your woman you start to realize you do not need to argue with anybody, because when you know what your N.U.T.s are, there is no need to argue.

Once you realize that you don’t need to argue you realize that’s just a good rule to take with you everywhere you go.

BB: You know for myself, I find that when she starts into her problems, I want to dive in and fix it, but it sounds like from what you are saying, I should just shut up and listen.

Wayne M Levine: They don’t want you to fix their problems. What can I tell you? Everyone knows this, it’s in every book.

BB: Where have I been?

Wayne M Levine: You can’t fix the problems, just listen. I have been married 24 years, every now and then my wife will ask me about how to handle something (laughing) and I will say to her “Do you really want my advice… on this” and she will say “Nnnoooo.”

BB: (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: “OK, good.”

BB: Fair enough, moving on.

Wayne M Levine: No matter how much I soften it, the way I would handle that problem doesn’t even come close to how she would handle it. Don’t fix it. Not your job. Support her. Encourage her to get more help. Encourage her to figure out the solution. Don’t try to give it to her because you will just get disappointed, resentful, and then you are in a mess. Knock it off.

Something that is occurring to me as I hear my own voice is that this is the energy; this is the voice of a man talking to another man. This is not a therapist talking to a man.

There are definitely some good therapists out there who have a sense of their own masculinity and can deliver that to men, but by in large you will not get this therapy because they are not really there to tell you what to do, I am going to tell you what to do.

Listen, the work that we do is about fathering, so sometimes Dad needs to tell you what to do, he needs to tell you how he feels, and tell you what’s expected of you as a man, OK? Sometimes it is asking questions and letting you find your own way, but we do not need therapy all the time. We need some guidance, we need some wisdom. We need to get some of the information that our dads didn’t have for us because they didn’t get it or they didn’t know how to deliver it, or they had their own issues going on with Mom that they were not around.

It is not about you being the man I want you to be. You develop your own N.U.T.s.

Use these tools and be that man and I will support you. Now if I don’t like who you are, I am not going to want you in my life, then you have to decide whether that’s the man you want to be. Right?

I am not telling you the kind of man to be, but I am going to give you my honest feedback about how I feel about being with you and how your actions are impacting me. I owe it to you, because you are not going to get that truth everywhere and that is what we teach the men to do for each other.

Tell the truth. If that guy’s an asshole, then it is good for the him to hear that, because if a man in the group is telling him that you can bet the people in the outside world are thinking it, and it is good information to have, then he can decide what to do with it.

BB: So for the guy out there that has been with us for the last several minutes reading this, what’s the motivation to move for the average guy out there?

Wayne M Levine: Well, first of all, if you are reading this you are probably not the average guy because most men are too afraid to even look into this stuff.

BB: We just get a better crop of guys, that’s all there is to it. (laughing)

Wayne M Levine: (laughing) Certainly there is something in this work that is resonating with the reader that is still reading. So, if you have not read enough to buy the book now, don’t buy the book. If you are still listening, you are already in, man. Just buy the book and keep going.

BB: Just one more question. How can a guy get in contact with you for mentoring or for one of your BetterMen’s Weekends? How do they take it to the next level once they are done with the book?

Wayne M Levine: Go to BetterMen.org. or you can email me at Wayne@BetterMen.org and I will respond. I work with men individually under the name Mentor4Men, I talk to men weekly when we get started and help them integrate what’s in the book into their life.

We have the BetterMen Retreats that we do it a couple of times a year. The next one for us is actually coming up March 6^th through March 9^th, 2008. You can get information about that on the website as well.

BB: And where is that event in March going to be?

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, March 6^th through the 9^th, just outside Santa Barbara and I am telling you if you have never done anything like this before you are going to have the time of your life and if you have done work before, this weekend will be different.

I just want to say to the men that are reading this, I honor you for having the balls to try to be a better man. Don’t quit.

BB: Thank you Wayne for taking the time to give us a little bit of insight into your book and into this new way of thinking. It is not traditional and not like anything else that we at BoingBook have ever heard as it relates to men.

I really appreciate you taking the time today, thank you very much for being with us.

Wayne M Levine: Yeah, thank you.

As men are typically not too observant when it comes to some of a woman’s more subtle conscious or subconscious hints, I decided to consult a small stack of women asking the following question.

What visual cues could a guy pick up from a woman telling him he will not get lucky tonight?

Here are the top five answers.

1.  No Shaving, No Misbehaving

“If I skipped shaving my legs and armpits it means I have no intention of letting anyone, especially not my guy, get close enough to notice.”

2. Ugly Granny Panties

“She will be wearing the pretty matching underwear if she plans on letting a man see her in her underwear.

If it is that time or if I am going for comfort, I have my old favorites that I like to wear but they are anything but sexy. I would be too embarrassed to let a guy see me in those, let along do anything else.”

If she is not wearing low rise jeans good luck figuring this one out without getting caught. – Archer.

3. Stomach Pain = No Gain

“Sometimes after a nice dinner my stomach hurts for a while if I eat something I am not use to eating. Sometimes my stomach just hurts because I am feeling bloated, gassy or constipated. No man is getting near me when I feel like that.”

4. Showers Before Flowers

“If I feel like I need a shower, or feel sweaty or icky, I am not getting close to a man.”

5. General Maintenance Issues

“It’s obvious, but if I am packing feminine hygiene products he is out of luck.”

If I can see in her purse, great, but if it means I have dig around in her purse, forget it, I swear there are things in there that bite. – Archer.

6. BONUS SIGN: No Door, No Score.

“I will not let a man past my front door if the feeling is not right or there is at least a possibility.”

If you know a good tip I missed, let a brother know.

 image provided by fortunewater.com

Part II - What a "Nice Guy" can learn from an "Asshole"

See Part I of  Nice Guys Learn from an Asshole on "Why Women Date Assholes" to catch the beginning of this interview… This is the second and final part of an interview conducted by Archer Parish with Mr. Hole, a confirmed asshole, sharing his dating advice, throwing a few dating tips to the “nice guys” out there and providing his opinion on why women date asshole guys.

_________________

Archer: OK, we are somewhat off the subject, let me bring us back a bit. I understand women want to date confident men or certainly men with certain emotional qualities, but there are a lot of beautiful women out there dating real jerks, surely there is more to it than that.

Mr. Hole: I know there is. I think it starts in high school, maybe sooner than that. Picture the girls that were 8, 9’s and 10’s. Here is where I think it really begins.

Who were those girls that were 8, 9’s and 10’s in your high school?

Archer: That was a long time ago. Let’s see, they were cheerleaders, they were band geeks, they were in advanced classes, I don’t know, there were a few all over the place.

Mr. Hole: Who did they date?

Archer: They dated football players, or athletes anyway, and more or less the popular guys in school if they were really attractive.

Mr. Hole: Exactly, what about the beautiful girls that were klutzes or acted like dorks?

Archer: If they were pretty enough to override the dork factor they went out with the same types of guys, or at least a guy that excelled in some area or was high on the social ladder, anyway.

Mr. Hole: Exactly. I bet most of those guys were considered a**holes, but they were the only ones with the confidence to go ask the beautiful girls out. If a beautiful girl is only asked out by a bunch of confident a**holes, she is going to date confident a**holes. The same is just as true today.

Archer: Never thought of it that way before. So you are saying women are in relationships with a**holes because they are only asked out by a**holes?

Mr. Hole: What I am saying is that in high school, those guys got confidence from somewhere, maybe it was being the best damn band geek there was, whatever, and they leveraged that success into the confidence they needed to go talk to the pretty girls and get dates.  Confidence got the date, they may or may not have been a**holes.

Once you have a successful date with a beautiful woman in any circle, it is suddenly OK for the other beautiful women in that circle to date you. That was true then and it is true to a lesser degree today.

Archer: OK, OK, so that was high school. I follow your theory there, how does that theory hold up today.

Mr. Hole: Well, I have no complaints. I think it holds up very well. The major difference I see is in how the women think.

Archer: What do you mean?

Mr. Hole: In high school and college to an extent girls were into “group think.” Ask a girl a question and she would not give you a straight answer until the question had been passed around her 3-20 girlfriends to arrive at an answer by committee. Now these women have figured themselves out a little bit, maybe got some of their own self confidence, and are better at doing their own thinking now.

Archer: So all women, or at least the women you are dating are more self-confident, what else is different? What about the women into the whole status thing? The cars, jewelry, nice house, etc.

Mr. Hole: Man, nothing is new about those women except for the plastic boobs. A nice car could bump your game in high school, the same is true today.

Wealth, or at least the appearance of wealth, is a great leveler for the quiet guy that can’t talk to women. The nice car does two things, it does his talking for him and it helps women that are into that sort of thing sort out the rich quiet guys from the broke ones.

Oh, and no, all women are not more self confident. Some are completely insecure and in many cases a total wreck.

Archer: So the quiet guy can use wealth to fill in the gaps between his game and yours, basically. Clear up this confidence thing for me.

Mr. Hole: Some women have the self confidence, or I should say self esteem of a turnip. These women can be fun to date but the wrong one can get real clingy in a relationship or go mental on you. This is THE woman in the habitual mean asshole dater category.

Archer: Are the beautiful women, the 8, 9’s and 10’s, all stuck up and bitchy? That is what “they” say.

Mr. Hole: Where did you get that from? Probably from some ugly bastard too afraid to walk across a room to talk to a beautiful woman because his loser friends convinced him they are all bitchy hags.

Hell no. Women are women. There is no difference in how women act from a 1 to a 10, in general. I have met evil, mean bitchy women that were 1’s, I have met absolute sweethearts that were fiercely competitive, intelligent and in every aspect a 10.

Really, it is simple supply and demand. 9’s and 10’s are in short supply, so they are in general able to command a premium in the dating market. It is up to you to determine if that premium is too high for that particular woman. Sometimes the pain of putting up with her is not worth the benefits she has to offer.

Archer: I have heard women complain that all men are shallow; they just want beautiful stupid women; men don't want or are afraid of the really intelligent women. What do you say to that?

Mr. Hole: It sounds like you have been talking to very intelligent, ugly women that are having a hard time getting a date.

Look at this logically. Why would I date a 5 that is very smart and has a fantastic personality, when I could date a 9 with the exact same qualities? Why would I make that trade off? Simple, I wouldn’t.

Archer: So, you would never date a 5?

Mr. Hole: You can never say never. I am not walking around looking for a number I am looking for women I am attracted to. There would have to be something very compelling about that 5 to make me throw back a 9.

Archer: Is there anything else that you would say to the “Nice Guys” out there?

Mr. Hole: Thanks for staying out of my way. (laughing)

Archer: There is the asshole coming out in you.

Mr. Hole: No, seriously, be nice but do not be a puss. Absolutely do not act like any woman you are trying to date is the only woman on the planet. One of two things will happen and neither one is good. Either she will feel suffocated and “need some space” or break out the “be friends” speech, or she will actually start believing that she is that hot and be absolutely impossible to deal with. Either way you lose and if you create one of those little divas, we all lose.

If you are a mean asshole, the low self esteem women will put up with it for the most part, no matter how many nice guys try to wake her up.

In my life as it relates to women, I make a woman part of my plan; I do not make the woman my plan. If that makes me an asshole, I am good with that.

If she is full of sh*t, tell her she is full of sh*t.

Women feed off of the emotional stuff in a relationship like you feed off a great set of boobs. You are not being a puss by being romantic; you are just feeding the woman her recommended daily allowance of emotional content.

Archer: I like that, recommended daily allowance of vitamin ME. Anything else before we wrap up?

Mr. Hole: One thing. (laughing)

Stop putting women on pedestals; it just makes it easier for them to kick you in the junk.

End.

What a "Nice Guy" can learn from an "Asshole"  Part 1

I have seen, read, and heard literally hundreds of guys complaining about why women date a**holes. I was recently asked for some dating tips on how to win the heart of a woman that was dating, or really in a relationship with, an a**hole.

Relationship advice is tough for me to give when we are talking about how to help one guy take a woman from another guy. That is a “net zero” game, and I am the only one who ends up looking like an “A**hole” in that scenario.

Officially, I have never been an “a**hole,” though for the sake of clarity, I do indeed have an a**hole and I have been called an a**hole by a woman more times than I have holes, but for this I have sought out a confirmed professional a**hole to get his feedback on the whole “Why women date a**holes” question. This interview was long so I have broken it up into parts.

“Why women date assholes” interview

Archer: Mr. Hole, I have heard and, in fact, experienced the fact that women do indeed date assholes. I understand you are a confirmed a**hole; can you give me your opinion as to why women date assholes?

Mr. Hole: (laughing) Very funny Archer. Thank you for calling me MISTER, though. That makes me feel better.

The way I see it most women do not date a**holes, I think that is painting with too broad a stroke. A guy should not assume that just because you think a man is an a**hole, or treats another guy like an a**hole, that that is how he treats a woman he is dating or in a relationship with.

There are guys out there dating and in relationships that treat their women like crap, but I think we are calling too many guys “a**hole” for the sake of getting a clear answer to your question.

That being said, women do date, are in relationships with, and in some cases marry what any guy would call an a**hole. From my experience this is more common in younger women, 18 to 25 or so, that are looking for the “bad boy” type. It seems the older women get the less they seem to be attracted to the bad boys for the most part, or they just marry one and are taken off the market.

Women can have a ton of emotional needs and as they get older I think they figure out that being in a relationship with a self centered ass is not always the best way to get those needs met. Maybe they stop dating a**holes because they just get tired of the putting up with it, I don’t know.

I used to be that jerk, so I understand it.

Mr. Hole: That behavior attracts a certain kind of woman and in my opinion, dating that kind of woman is typically more trouble than it is worth.

Archer: You are saying that it is typically younger women that date a**holes, yet I have personally seen women well into their 30’s and up dating a**holes. What’s up with that?

Mr. Hole: Look, there are some women out there that secretly love to be walked all over. For that matter, I could name a few guys that act the same way. I can’t explain it, and personally it sickens me to watch it.

I just assume they are so damn lonely that dating any warm body is better than dating no warm body.

Women like that are all over you like a cheap suit. The meaner you are to them the faster they come back for more. It makes no sense. I try to avoid them and I certainly do not date them anymore.

Archer: Why would you avoid them? They would seem like easy targets for you?

Mr. Hole: They are easy targets, but they are damn near impossible to get rid of. They are into the drama, trying to make a big deal out of everything; they keep calling, showing up where they know you will be, being an ass and making my life hell in the process.

There are guys out that like the drama or that kind of woman I guess. As far as I am concerned, they can date them, hell, marry them for that matter. Good riddance.

Archer: You do not sound like an a**hole to me; you sound like a regular guy. What makes you an a**hole, Mr. Hole?

Mr. Hole: I didn’t come up with that name, somebody else came up with that. You asked me to be here, why don’t you tell me why I am an a**hole, or excuse me, why I’m Mr. Hole.

Archer: Okay. That is fair. You are considered Mr. Hole because your wingmen have told me they always have to deal with the women you date, your ex’s, and all of the drama you create with females.

Mr. Hole: I think that makes them idiots more than that makes me Mr. Hole, but OK.

Look, women, well most women do not go looking for a**holes. I have never met a woman that said “I want to date an a**hole” or “I want to fall in love with an a**hole.”

I could not be successful with women long term if I treated them like crap all the time. At least not the women I want to date or be in a relationship with.

Archer: But, you do treat the women you date like crap? No?

Mr. Hole: No more than any other guy, I guess, but I do not let them walk all over me, if that is what you mean.

Look, it’s simple, women want to date a confident guy that has a life, is secure in who he is, and appears to have it all together, that is what they are attracted to, those are the men they want relationships with. Maybe he is fun and exciting, or just gives her a sense of security, I don’t know and honestly, I don’t care.

I think a lot of these types of guys are called a**holes because they are driven, have goals, and do not stop the world for a woman.

Archer: So women really want to date a man with confidence but the a**hole kind of comes along with it and they end up with a confident a**hole like you?

Mr. Hole: Easy Archer, you are starting to piss me off.

I have success with women because I have my own life, I am happy with who I am and what I do. If I ask a woman out on a date and she says no, no problem, I know I will not have a problem finding a suitable date.

When I go out with a woman we have fun, I make sure she has a good time and feels like I am interested in her, but I do not stop everything and drop to my knees every time her panties get all in a bunch. Hell no.

Many women have told me they hate dating “nice guys” because they tell them they love them way too early, or are all over them, suffocating them.

These “nice guys” start altering their own lives to revolve around her every little desire and that is just plain freaky.

I think regular “Nice guys” get a bad wrap from these spineless wimps because these spineless bastards are so damn desperate to get a date they act like it’s a life or death experience. They practically beg the woman to go out, she caves in and goes, then they bend to the woman’s every whim and give her the creeps. She freaks, stops returning phone calls and tells me all about it over a nice dinner.

Would you want to date that?

Screw that. Women want men, not doormats.

Archer: So why do your friends say you create drama with these women that they have to sort out.

Mr. Hole: I have no idea why they are trying to sort out anything for me. At a certain level I have a problem with that, but if that is how they want to spend their time, whatever.

“The drama” comes in when a woman tries to force me or “politely coerce” me into something I do not want to do or being a man I am not. I see no reason to accept that type of behavior, and I call them on it. I have ruined some nights and pissed off a few women with that, but that is not how you get me to do something.

Archer: Some would call that being selfish.

Mr. Hole: Wake up, Archer that is called avoiding manipulation, not being selfish. Selfish is ignoring her needs or continually putting my needs ahead of hers, which I do not do. Experience has taught me that might work while dating, but long term it is destined for failure. She should not put up with it, and if she does she is not a woman I want to be in a relationship with anyway.

Archer: I see your point.

Mr. Hole: When I am in a relationship with a woman, I am inviting her into my life to see if we are fit and can have fun together. The operative words there are “My Life.” I am not going to put up with a woman that tries to reshape me into her ideal man no more than I would expect her to put up with me trying to reshape her. Screw that.

Archer: I do not hear a lot of compromise in that statement, how do you get away with that?

Mr. Hole: I am the man I am. Sure, there are some tradeoffs in any relationship, but I am not a lump of clay to be reshaped into some woman’s idea of the perfect man. I am the man I am. The core of who I am has to be enough or she needs to move on. If she can’t see that then I will help her move on and then there is more drama, I guess.

Archer: So, it sounds like you have no problem ending a relationship.

Mr. Hole: I used to. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, but really what is the point? If I can see the relationship is not going anywhere, why waste one more minute of her or my time dancing around the subject.

End Part I, click here to go to  Part II - What a "Nice Guy" can learn from an "Asshole"  

Are YOU an Asshole?  Take the Test!

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