Men's Guide to Women

After watching American Idol for the first couple of nights (yes, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery,) I now understand why people are looking for a faster way to date, and why online dating is exploding.

My epiphany came while watching the masses sing badly. A few of these vocal giants had the audacity to get angry when that simple fact that they cannot sing was pointed out to them.

Amazingly, on something tangible like the sound of ones own voice, seemingly normal people begged, argued, cussed, broke out a hand gesture or two, and in one fine example, bent over putting their butt in the camera telling Simon to kiss their backside, threatening to moon the audience, imagine how reasonable and lucent these people are with the intangibles, such as their own emotions and feelings for themselves and others.

It is somewhat sobering to think that somebody somewhere is dating, has dated, or is/was married to some of these people.

When dating, your perspective is limited by only seeing one or two people at a time. So a string of hags, hounds, and horror stories can just seem like bad luck, but watching American Idol you get some much needed perspective of the bigger picture on just how strange and delusional some humans can be.

American Idol proves that one problem with dating today is that we spend way too much time with the rejects and the emotionally challenged and not nearly enough time with the small percentage of people that have the right stuff. Efficiency is key to dating because millions of people are just, well, emotional ignoramuses.

In any American city, American Idol draws 15-25,000 potential candidates or “dates” for their show, but only 1/10^th of 1%, or roughly 20 people, will actually “go to Hollywood.”

If a person is not sharp enough to realize something tangible, oh like the fact your average bowl of Rice Krispies sings better than they do, how could that person possibly be considered competent enough to successfully gauge intangibles like their own feelings, let alone pick a partner to last a lifetime?

With so many potentially emotionally incompetent boobs walking around putting the normal citizen at risk, I am surprised there has not been a call for government dating legislation.

Fortunately, we are nearly as picky in selecting our dates as we are in selecting our American Idols. Most people will date far less than 100 people in a lifetime, let alone the 100,000 plus that will try out for a given season of American Idol.

Taking a few pointers from American Idol, here are 10 things you can do to bump the speed and quality of your dating game.

1. Take a tip from Simon; be able to be honest and tell the person you are dating that they are not right for you so you are not wasting weeks and months with a person that does not make long term sense.
2. Have a game plan or preset criteria of what you are looking for so you know it when you find it.
3. Get some help wading through the masses. Tell your friends what you are looking for in a woman and see if they can turn up any potential females for you.
4. Listen to the feedback from others. Follow your gut, but keep your ears open to what your friends are saying. They may offer a different perspective that may shed some clarity on the long term viability of your new relationship, or at least keep you on your toes.
5. Don’t let one mistake throw you off your game. If you screw up and end up with a girlfriend from Hell, throw her back and keep looking. The next woman does not want to carry your dating baggage, so you might as well drop that where you stand as well.
6. Be able to quickly assess the room. When you arrive somewhere with the intention of meeting women, look around. If there are no potential candidates in the room, evaluate if you want to stay or continue the hunt somewhere else.
7. Challenge the people you go out with. How do you find out if a person is truly the next big singing sensation? You put them through their paces, trying to find their limits. I am not a big fan of tests, but finding out how people act when they are outside their comfort zone can sometimes be very enlightening.
8. On American Idol, they are all competing for 24 spots; introduce some of your own scarcity by not chasing after every woman who winks at you. Be a little selective. A woman is less inclined to be interested if she thinks she can have you at any time. The reverse is also true, she will tend to show more interest if she thinks an opportunity with you is something she won’t get again.
9. Target the masses. When looking for women go to the places where they are in mass or come up with compelling reasons to invite them to where you are going to be. One gentleman I know has regular high end shoe and designer clothing sample sales at his home to attract the type of women he is after to his turf.
10. Once you figure out which people and situations encourage you to be a better man and which ones don’t, deal with them accordingly.

So, single or married, watch American Idol for the entertainment value, but think about what it must be like to date this or that person. As a single person, you can see first hand how many low and no talent sharks, snakes, slime-balls, sluts, and sleaze bags you might have to date in the Sea of Stupidity to single out your “special someone.”

If you are unhappy in your relationship, buck up, it is not that bad, even industry professionals occasionally let a talentless freak through the gates from time to time, you just do not have the luxury of a weekly mass vote by your friends to correct your mistake and send them home.

“Sing like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching and love like you have never been hurt.”

Picture courtesy of http://www.gambling911.com

I have solved one of the universal puzzles in life.

All of my adult life I have been watching two dating scenarios unfold before my very eyes that did not seem to reconcile. It did not seem possible that both scenarios could co-exist except on a case by case basis. Or so I thought.

Scenario 1: Nice guys and geek friends of mine complaining, first over root beers, now over cold beers about their lack of success dating beautiful women, and the lack of attention they are getting from these women as well, even though they are the (self proclaimed) epitome of the nice guy, being considerate, warm and funny, just the guys these women always say they are after.

Scenario 2: Walking around anywhere there are large numbers of people, I invariably see some amazing women that seem quite content with complete geeks, oddballs, freaks, nerds or other member of one or another fringe class of guys they are dating or in relationships with.

Why do some beautiful women date geeks while other geeks cannot get past hello with any woman?  

Until recently, the only way I could reconcile that in my head was to simply write it off as “that guy got lucky”, “she does not know how beautiful she really is,” or “she is just one of a very small number of women that like to date geeky guys.”

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong again.

Finally, after completing a recent interview and going back over my notes with some other dating research I was hit with an amazing ah-ha moment.

I figured it out.

I always thought women wanted to go out with popular, confident and successful men.

Just because a guy is popular, confident and successful in his own right, does not mean he is not a nerd, geek or a dork. A popular nerd? Yes, they are all over the place.

• Women want men that are popular, but by popular I mean popular in any social circle that women can be or are a part of and where demonstrating confidence and success are possible.

• Women want men that are confident, but they do not care as to the source of the confidence. That confidence could be from being an exceptional chess player, an amazing network administrator, a great trumpet player, or by being exceptionally smart.  The source of that confidence can be anything, she just wants the confident end product.

• Women want men that are successful. To a degree this goes hand in hand with popularity. It could be that the popularity creates the contacts that in turn help a man find success or it could be a skill that creates the success and in turn makes a man popular. Women do not necessarily care about the source of the success; they just want to see success.

For almost every class and occupation of man there is a group of women that like that class and occupation and are attracted to the most successful confident guys in that group.

Let’s look at three examples.

Death row inmate. How does this guy meet a woman and get married while on death row? Simple, his crime creates the celebrity or popularity to attract the attention of women interested in that kind of man. You could argue, in a sick way, that she was attracted to his success. She could also be a woman wanting to fix or reform him.

Band Geek. Why is that beautiful woman with that band geek? Because he is not your ordinary average band geek, he has confidence brought about by being one of the best in the band. He is good at what matters to his social circle and as a result he is rewarded with attention from females that are part of that social circle.

Traveling Magazine Salesman. How does a traveling magazine salesman attract a woman? By selling the most magazines day in and day out, raising him in the ranks of other magazine salespeople and earning quality time with the females traveling around in the group as well.

Would any of these example men stand a chance with the women that, let’s say, follows NFL football players? No. They would be out of their area of expertise and away from their natural support base.

Because it is an easy one to follow, let’s take the band geek as an example and look closely at what happens to him socially as he gains popularity, confidence and success.

Band Geek decides to join the band at school, playing drums. Skill zero, popularity and success zero (unless he is carrying any popularity or skill points over from another social group.)

Band Geek practices and gets pretty good on the drums, picks up some skill and some popularity in the band social group and begins to attract the attention of females in the band.

Band Geek gets better at the drums and decides to setup a garage band with a few of his buddies. Skill medium, band skill zero, no songs, no success, social group of females from the band are still in play.

Eventually the Band Geek’s band gets good enough to finish a set and land a small gig somewhere. Now there are females interested from the same band social circle and a new club/band social circle that includes a local groupie or two.

Band Geek and the boys play in the local clubs and get their name on the sign out front on Friday and Saturday night. They get more exposure and the quantity and quality of groupie go up. Once Band Geek appears to have left the band social group he may lose his female followers from that group as well.

Band Geek and the boys hit the road opening for a mega band, increasing their exposure looking more like rock gods than garage flunkies. Again, the quantity and quality of the women/groupies go up yet again.

Band Geek and the boys become a mega band with buckets and buckets of women/groupies all over the place.

Band Geek may be a rock & roll god, but is he still a band geek? Yes. They are all still the same band geeks. The difference is in the popularity, confidence, and success they have collected along the way.

Do hot women go out with band geeks? Yes…. They…..Do.

Heidi Klum & Seal

Lia Neil & Vince Neil (of Motley Crue fame)

Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee (of Motley Crue fame)

Pamela Anderson & Kidd Rock

Mitzi Martin & Josh Todd (of Buckcherry fame)

Heather Locklear & Richie Sambora (of Bon Jovi fame)

Trisha Yearwood & Garth Brooks

Jennifer Love Hewitt & John Mayer

Shannon Tweed & Gene Simmons (of KISS fame)

The Takeaway for the Average Guy

• Determine what you are good at. Where do you experience success? Where is it that you feel best about yourself? Maybe you are a master Trivial Pursuit player. Maybe you are a good piano player. Maybe you are a World of Warcraft master.

• Define your social circles. Where do you work? What are your hobbies? (i.e. people that work on genealogy, people that play online computer games, people that are woodworkers, people that blog, people that Digg!, whatever your hobby is) What groups or organizations do you belong to (church, charitable, sports, social?)

• Look for areas where what you are good at, and your social circles intersect or where you feel the best about yourself. These are areas where you can demonstrate some success and bump your popularity in that particular social group.

• Look for women that are part of one of your social groups, where you can demonstrate skill and have some confidence/popularity. These women should be your first targets as they are already part of your life in some way if only as a bit player.

What do you do if you are not good at anything or there are no women in any of your social circles?

Well, that should tell you why you are having a problem getting a date. You have to go outside of all your social circles to find someone.

Add to your existing social circles, drop a social circle or two, or reshuffle them in importance to find a social circle that has women as a part of it where you can demonstrate some success earn some popularity.

Get good at something. It does not matter what it is just that you are good at it. The more specialized the skill, the smaller the group of women you will have to pick from.

Look for bigger and bigger stages to demonstrate your skill to attract a wider pool of women. An example would be if you are a hard core gamer, enter a tournament to get exposure. If you are a working professional, look for professional organizations or groups outside of work like groups dedicated to accountants, lawyers, architects, engineers, etc. Again, the bigger the stage the more females there will be interested in the popular, confident and successful guys in that group.

When all else fails, it comes back to confidence. Confidence is what allows you to fake it until you make it.

Get good at what you do and there will always be women that want to do you.

-Archer Parish

Image provided by staticfade.blogspot.com

Part II - What a "Nice Guy" can learn from an "Asshole"

See Part I of  Nice Guys Learn from an Asshole on "Why Women Date Assholes" to catch the beginning of this interview… This is the second and final part of an interview conducted by Archer Parish with Mr. Hole, a confirmed asshole, sharing his dating advice, throwing a few dating tips to the “nice guys” out there and providing his opinion on why women date asshole guys.

_________________

Archer: OK, we are somewhat off the subject, let me bring us back a bit. I understand women want to date confident men or certainly men with certain emotional qualities, but there are a lot of beautiful women out there dating real jerks, surely there is more to it than that.

Mr. Hole: I know there is. I think it starts in high school, maybe sooner than that. Picture the girls that were 8, 9’s and 10’s. Here is where I think it really begins.

Who were those girls that were 8, 9’s and 10’s in your high school?

Archer: That was a long time ago. Let’s see, they were cheerleaders, they were band geeks, they were in advanced classes, I don’t know, there were a few all over the place.

Mr. Hole: Who did they date?

Archer: They dated football players, or athletes anyway, and more or less the popular guys in school if they were really attractive.

Mr. Hole: Exactly, what about the beautiful girls that were klutzes or acted like dorks?

Archer: If they were pretty enough to override the dork factor they went out with the same types of guys, or at least a guy that excelled in some area or was high on the social ladder, anyway.

Mr. Hole: Exactly. I bet most of those guys were considered a**holes, but they were the only ones with the confidence to go ask the beautiful girls out. If a beautiful girl is only asked out by a bunch of confident a**holes, she is going to date confident a**holes. The same is just as true today.

Archer: Never thought of it that way before. So you are saying women are in relationships with a**holes because they are only asked out by a**holes?

Mr. Hole: What I am saying is that in high school, those guys got confidence from somewhere, maybe it was being the best damn band geek there was, whatever, and they leveraged that success into the confidence they needed to go talk to the pretty girls and get dates.  Confidence got the date, they may or may not have been a**holes.

Once you have a successful date with a beautiful woman in any circle, it is suddenly OK for the other beautiful women in that circle to date you. That was true then and it is true to a lesser degree today.

Archer: OK, OK, so that was high school. I follow your theory there, how does that theory hold up today.

Mr. Hole: Well, I have no complaints. I think it holds up very well. The major difference I see is in how the women think.

Archer: What do you mean?

Mr. Hole: In high school and college to an extent girls were into “group think.” Ask a girl a question and she would not give you a straight answer until the question had been passed around her 3-20 girlfriends to arrive at an answer by committee. Now these women have figured themselves out a little bit, maybe got some of their own self confidence, and are better at doing their own thinking now.

Archer: So all women, or at least the women you are dating are more self-confident, what else is different? What about the women into the whole status thing? The cars, jewelry, nice house, etc.

Mr. Hole: Man, nothing is new about those women except for the plastic boobs. A nice car could bump your game in high school, the same is true today.

Wealth, or at least the appearance of wealth, is a great leveler for the quiet guy that can’t talk to women. The nice car does two things, it does his talking for him and it helps women that are into that sort of thing sort out the rich quiet guys from the broke ones.

Oh, and no, all women are not more self confident. Some are completely insecure and in many cases a total wreck.

Archer: So the quiet guy can use wealth to fill in the gaps between his game and yours, basically. Clear up this confidence thing for me.

Mr. Hole: Some women have the self confidence, or I should say self esteem of a turnip. These women can be fun to date but the wrong one can get real clingy in a relationship or go mental on you. This is THE woman in the habitual mean asshole dater category.

Archer: Are the beautiful women, the 8, 9’s and 10’s, all stuck up and bitchy? That is what “they” say.

Mr. Hole: Where did you get that from? Probably from some ugly bastard too afraid to walk across a room to talk to a beautiful woman because his loser friends convinced him they are all bitchy hags.

Hell no. Women are women. There is no difference in how women act from a 1 to a 10, in general. I have met evil, mean bitchy women that were 1’s, I have met absolute sweethearts that were fiercely competitive, intelligent and in every aspect a 10.

Really, it is simple supply and demand. 9’s and 10’s are in short supply, so they are in general able to command a premium in the dating market. It is up to you to determine if that premium is too high for that particular woman. Sometimes the pain of putting up with her is not worth the benefits she has to offer.

Archer: I have heard women complain that all men are shallow; they just want beautiful stupid women; men don't want or are afraid of the really intelligent women. What do you say to that?

Mr. Hole: It sounds like you have been talking to very intelligent, ugly women that are having a hard time getting a date.

Look at this logically. Why would I date a 5 that is very smart and has a fantastic personality, when I could date a 9 with the exact same qualities? Why would I make that trade off? Simple, I wouldn’t.

Archer: So, you would never date a 5?

Mr. Hole: You can never say never. I am not walking around looking for a number I am looking for women I am attracted to. There would have to be something very compelling about that 5 to make me throw back a 9.

Archer: Is there anything else that you would say to the “Nice Guys” out there?

Mr. Hole: Thanks for staying out of my way. (laughing)

Archer: There is the asshole coming out in you.

Mr. Hole: No, seriously, be nice but do not be a puss. Absolutely do not act like any woman you are trying to date is the only woman on the planet. One of two things will happen and neither one is good. Either she will feel suffocated and “need some space” or break out the “be friends” speech, or she will actually start believing that she is that hot and be absolutely impossible to deal with. Either way you lose and if you create one of those little divas, we all lose.

If you are a mean asshole, the low self esteem women will put up with it for the most part, no matter how many nice guys try to wake her up.

In my life as it relates to women, I make a woman part of my plan; I do not make the woman my plan. If that makes me an asshole, I am good with that.

If she is full of sh*t, tell her she is full of sh*t.

Women feed off of the emotional stuff in a relationship like you feed off a great set of boobs. You are not being a puss by being romantic; you are just feeding the woman her recommended daily allowance of emotional content.

Archer: I like that, recommended daily allowance of vitamin ME. Anything else before we wrap up?

Mr. Hole: One thing. (laughing)

Stop putting women on pedestals; it just makes it easier for them to kick you in the junk.

End.

What a "Nice Guy" can learn from an "Asshole"  Part 1

I have seen, read, and heard literally hundreds of guys complaining about why women date a**holes. I was recently asked for some dating tips on how to win the heart of a woman that was dating, or really in a relationship with, an a**hole.

Relationship advice is tough for me to give when we are talking about how to help one guy take a woman from another guy. That is a “net zero” game, and I am the only one who ends up looking like an “A**hole” in that scenario.

Officially, I have never been an “a**hole,” though for the sake of clarity, I do indeed have an a**hole and I have been called an a**hole by a woman more times than I have holes, but for this I have sought out a confirmed professional a**hole to get his feedback on the whole “Why women date a**holes” question. This interview was long so I have broken it up into parts.

“Why women date assholes” interview

Archer: Mr. Hole, I have heard and, in fact, experienced the fact that women do indeed date assholes. I understand you are a confirmed a**hole; can you give me your opinion as to why women date assholes?

Mr. Hole: (laughing) Very funny Archer. Thank you for calling me MISTER, though. That makes me feel better.

The way I see it most women do not date a**holes, I think that is painting with too broad a stroke. A guy should not assume that just because you think a man is an a**hole, or treats another guy like an a**hole, that that is how he treats a woman he is dating or in a relationship with.

There are guys out there dating and in relationships that treat their women like crap, but I think we are calling too many guys “a**hole” for the sake of getting a clear answer to your question.

That being said, women do date, are in relationships with, and in some cases marry what any guy would call an a**hole. From my experience this is more common in younger women, 18 to 25 or so, that are looking for the “bad boy” type. It seems the older women get the less they seem to be attracted to the bad boys for the most part, or they just marry one and are taken off the market.

Women can have a ton of emotional needs and as they get older I think they figure out that being in a relationship with a self centered ass is not always the best way to get those needs met. Maybe they stop dating a**holes because they just get tired of the putting up with it, I don’t know.

I used to be that jerk, so I understand it.

Mr. Hole: That behavior attracts a certain kind of woman and in my opinion, dating that kind of woman is typically more trouble than it is worth.

Archer: You are saying that it is typically younger women that date a**holes, yet I have personally seen women well into their 30’s and up dating a**holes. What’s up with that?

Mr. Hole: Look, there are some women out there that secretly love to be walked all over. For that matter, I could name a few guys that act the same way. I can’t explain it, and personally it sickens me to watch it.

I just assume they are so damn lonely that dating any warm body is better than dating no warm body.

Women like that are all over you like a cheap suit. The meaner you are to them the faster they come back for more. It makes no sense. I try to avoid them and I certainly do not date them anymore.

Archer: Why would you avoid them? They would seem like easy targets for you?

Mr. Hole: They are easy targets, but they are damn near impossible to get rid of. They are into the drama, trying to make a big deal out of everything; they keep calling, showing up where they know you will be, being an ass and making my life hell in the process.

There are guys out that like the drama or that kind of woman I guess. As far as I am concerned, they can date them, hell, marry them for that matter. Good riddance.

Archer: You do not sound like an a**hole to me; you sound like a regular guy. What makes you an a**hole, Mr. Hole?

Mr. Hole: I didn’t come up with that name, somebody else came up with that. You asked me to be here, why don’t you tell me why I am an a**hole, or excuse me, why I’m Mr. Hole.

Archer: Okay. That is fair. You are considered Mr. Hole because your wingmen have told me they always have to deal with the women you date, your ex’s, and all of the drama you create with females.

Mr. Hole: I think that makes them idiots more than that makes me Mr. Hole, but OK.

Look, women, well most women do not go looking for a**holes. I have never met a woman that said “I want to date an a**hole” or “I want to fall in love with an a**hole.”

I could not be successful with women long term if I treated them like crap all the time. At least not the women I want to date or be in a relationship with.

Archer: But, you do treat the women you date like crap? No?

Mr. Hole: No more than any other guy, I guess, but I do not let them walk all over me, if that is what you mean.

Look, it’s simple, women want to date a confident guy that has a life, is secure in who he is, and appears to have it all together, that is what they are attracted to, those are the men they want relationships with. Maybe he is fun and exciting, or just gives her a sense of security, I don’t know and honestly, I don’t care.

I think a lot of these types of guys are called a**holes because they are driven, have goals, and do not stop the world for a woman.

Archer: So women really want to date a man with confidence but the a**hole kind of comes along with it and they end up with a confident a**hole like you?

Mr. Hole: Easy Archer, you are starting to piss me off.

I have success with women because I have my own life, I am happy with who I am and what I do. If I ask a woman out on a date and she says no, no problem, I know I will not have a problem finding a suitable date.

When I go out with a woman we have fun, I make sure she has a good time and feels like I am interested in her, but I do not stop everything and drop to my knees every time her panties get all in a bunch. Hell no.

Many women have told me they hate dating “nice guys” because they tell them they love them way too early, or are all over them, suffocating them.

These “nice guys” start altering their own lives to revolve around her every little desire and that is just plain freaky.

I think regular “Nice guys” get a bad wrap from these spineless wimps because these spineless bastards are so damn desperate to get a date they act like it’s a life or death experience. They practically beg the woman to go out, she caves in and goes, then they bend to the woman’s every whim and give her the creeps. She freaks, stops returning phone calls and tells me all about it over a nice dinner.

Would you want to date that?

Screw that. Women want men, not doormats.

Archer: So why do your friends say you create drama with these women that they have to sort out.

Mr. Hole: I have no idea why they are trying to sort out anything for me. At a certain level I have a problem with that, but if that is how they want to spend their time, whatever.

“The drama” comes in when a woman tries to force me or “politely coerce” me into something I do not want to do or being a man I am not. I see no reason to accept that type of behavior, and I call them on it. I have ruined some nights and pissed off a few women with that, but that is not how you get me to do something.

Archer: Some would call that being selfish.

Mr. Hole: Wake up, Archer that is called avoiding manipulation, not being selfish. Selfish is ignoring her needs or continually putting my needs ahead of hers, which I do not do. Experience has taught me that might work while dating, but long term it is destined for failure. She should not put up with it, and if she does she is not a woman I want to be in a relationship with anyway.

Archer: I see your point.

Mr. Hole: When I am in a relationship with a woman, I am inviting her into my life to see if we are fit and can have fun together. The operative words there are “My Life.” I am not going to put up with a woman that tries to reshape me into her ideal man no more than I would expect her to put up with me trying to reshape her. Screw that.

Archer: I do not hear a lot of compromise in that statement, how do you get away with that?

Mr. Hole: I am the man I am. Sure, there are some tradeoffs in any relationship, but I am not a lump of clay to be reshaped into some woman’s idea of the perfect man. I am the man I am. The core of who I am has to be enough or she needs to move on. If she can’t see that then I will help her move on and then there is more drama, I guess.

Archer: So, it sounds like you have no problem ending a relationship.

Mr. Hole: I used to. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, but really what is the point? If I can see the relationship is not going anywhere, why waste one more minute of her or my time dancing around the subject.

End Part I, click here to go to  Part II - What a "Nice Guy" can learn from an "Asshole"  

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